Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

It's not the "no true Scotsman" fallacy. No one is saying that if a child still misbehaves, it isn't gentle parenting - what we're saying is that if a parent isn't gentle parenting correctly, they aren't gentle parenting. If they're permissive or aggressive or neglectful, that isn't gentle parenting - that's not "no true Scotsman", it's just ensuring that the definition is applied correctly.

Gentle parenting techniques don't always work because kids and parents have good days and bad days and there are plenty of factors that go into it, but as long as the ideas are being applied correctly, it's still gentle parenting and I haven't seen anyone suggest otherwise.

Like most parenting theories, it’s followed by devotees and the rest of us get on with it.
My DM followed Dr Spock. Was I harmed by it? Don’t think so. Did she follow it slavishly - no. I followed Penelope Leach. My DC seem ok too. We did our best. Dc ok.

Out of interest, what did you do with your son hit his sibling/ another child? I try to be a gentle parent but struggling to know what to do what my son hits his little sister. If I make a fuss over her, he just carries on playing as if nothing had happened. Removing her is what he wants.

So I end up removing him, putting him in his bedroom for 3 mins to think about his behaviour (he just screams for the entire time when I do this) while I play/ comfort his sister. Is there something you would have done instead of removing him?

I've just parented, no clichéd or trendy terms either.

Because it isn't. Although as the definition of precocious is "unusually advanced or mature in development" I'm not sure what your point is.

Colloquially, precocious also means an assumption of superiority intelligence/advancement, whether it's actually evident or not. The child often thinks themselves cleverer or more mature than they actually are, and the parents reinforce this.
HTH

I agree with this actually. I'm all for not shouting, no hitting and not picking at every little thing with kids. I understand talking about feelings and modeling the behaviour you want to them to exhibit. I even get explaining and giving reasons, I think long term that really helps.

But a 2 year old doesn't need a massive, rehearsed script about stuff, they need clear, simple instructions/explanations.

I HATE the "scripted" version on gentle parenting. But I do agree with the general principles and it works well with my 5 year old autistic son, we often get compliments on his behaviour.

Gentle parenting is great as a proper concept with proactive parents, but I think too many people have taken all the positive parts of gentle parenting from various Instagram posts, but quite frankly forget the actual parenting part!

I was at the park with my kids the other week chatting to one of the school mums. Her daughter, who’s 5, started hitting her over something and her only response was a very wishy washy “oh no, that’s not kind, you don’t want to hurt me” type reaction. Went on for about five minutes. Later she told her child not to take her shoes and socks off in the park as there were stones, two minutes later her child threw them at her and ran off! She just sort of sighed, but said and did nothing. The ineffectiveness really winds me up!

There’s another parent I know who is very vocally into gentle parenting and when we ran into her once in the supermarket one of her children (aged around 5) was crawling around on the floor, getting in the way of loads of people trying to get bread from the shelves. My two kids were wide eyed, I was just mentally begging them not to say anything out loud, thankfully they didn’t.

We used the naughty step for time out and then a talking too with an apology given and then lots of hugs. Nursery did the same so we used the same approach - worked for us.

What a load of nonsense!!

I do gentle parent my children but I can assure you I’m not rehearsing any scripts

OP I haven’t RTFT just your responses so apologies if this has already been said, but gentle parenting I always think is a great parenting method with a pretty rubbish name. I think it has connotations of ‘permissive’ parenting and it’s so far from it.

I’ve done my best to gentle parent mine; in essence, it very much prioritises empathy, respect and understanding. There has to be discipline, but this is modelled and appropriate behaviour discussed, without relying on punishments. We do a lot of natural consequences. It also involves setting very clear boundaries and limits.

I’m far from perfect and I’d be lying to your face if I say I do the above 24/7 but I do try my best! And now at 7 I’m starting to see it pay off too (when they’re little christ it is a long game…) - I agree with others too it needs to match their age/development.

In my experience as a parent of preteens, having observed this for over a decade:

authoritarian parenting = ‘your feelings, needs and desires are not at all important. My feelings are very important and it’s fine for me to express them by shouting or lashing out at you.’

permissive parenting = ‘i can’t be bothered to help you manage your feelings, needs and desires, so do whatever you want. I don’t know or care about your feelings or how the way you express them affects others.’

gentle parenting as is often practiced = ‘your feelings, needs and desires are more important than anything else, and my feelings, needs and desires as your parent are unimportant. It’s more important for you to express your feelings than for those around you to feel happy and comfortable.’

gentle/good parenting as it should be = ‘i’m the grown up so I’m in charge of keeping you safe and making sure you grow up to be happy and able to function in the world. Both of our feelings, needs and desires are important and we can talk about them. Sometimes we have to compromise on what we want, and we have to respect peoples’ boundaries and limits - just like people have to respect your boundaries. It’s ok to have big feelings but it’s not ok to let them affect other people by being aggressive or mean.’

I was parented in the latter way, and that’s how I’ve parented. To me it’s just common sense and a continuation of how I interact with anyone else - respect, boundaries, communication and clear rules/hierarchies when needed.

You say that but no one I know who processes to use gentle parenting is like that at all. I've just remembered a third - met her for a play date once. Still baby wearing a 3 year old. Her son repeatedly snatched toys from my daughter and shouted about it with no word from mum. Was so bloody awkward we just left in the end!

I will stress that none of the parents I know who talk about gentle parenting are ignoring or permissive in the hands off sense. They are extremely involved, and talk a lot about the parenting style.

It is weird that everyone here is saying gentle parenting is authoritative when the parents I know who are really into it are the opposite.

Maybe the word "gentle" just attracts lots of parents like I'm describing.

I'm not saying that as a traditional or strict parent either.

A big Part of gentle parenting is having clear rules, expectations and boundaries. Some parents completely skip that part which is 1.what causes the issues and 2. why it isn’t gentle parenting.

DD slightly (and completely inadequately) fucked up today when buying something.My options were :

1. rant , rave ,swear ,be annoyed/angry , make her feel even worse than she already was feeling, apply some sort of consequence (like losing money) .
2. force her to sort it out by herself even though I knew she would be extremely uncomfortable with it and would struggle
3. swoop in and fix it for her
4. pretend it’s not a big deal(it kinda wasn’t, but hey ho) and just let her forget about it
5. ask her to fix it, explain why (and why it’s good practice for the future), reassure her we all make mistakes and it’s how we deal with it that matters and that we try to fix it, then stand nearby for support/reassurance while she did it herself.

I did 5, which I consider to be gentle parenting. It was also the least effortless action (especially since it meant putting my bra back on and leaving the house again ). Anything else would’ve been 100 times easier .

I don’t know anyone who talks about a style of parenting - it’s just parenting - you get on with it the best you can. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

I do!!! That's how I know about gentle parenting in the first place. They're actually the only people I know who do talk about a parenting style.

The posters on here claiming that it’s some wonderful concept are deluded. I taught for 20 years and during that time I saw a massive decline in behaviour and of basic manners. Of course there should be consequences for poor behaviour! It’s ludicrous to suggest otherwise. Those of you who claim your ineffectively parented little darlings are a delight, I can guarantee their teachers would say otherwise! Nobody likes a spoilt brat who thinks everything revolves around them and who has a tantrum whenever they are told no!

Who said there shouldn’t be consequences? 🤔

Mr teachers love my calm, respectful children. I have never had a single issue throughout their entire school life. Thanks.

I don't really know what the definition of gentle parenting is compared to other types of parenting, I haven't decided to do a particular method. (I did read about attachment theory for my degree before I ever had a baby though.)
When I had a baby I decided never to do controlled crying (felt too cruel and not in line with attachment theory.) and also vowed that I would never smack my child. Other than that I've just winged it.

I only have one child and I think I largely parent according to who he is and what works for him, rather than picking a particular parenting style. Suspect most other parents are the same and everyone is mostly just winging it, but certain things like smacking have become very outdated, so older generations think we're all too soft.

@IDroppedRocky
In the vast majority of cases I’ve witnessed there aren’t any consequences! The kids are feral. Everyone else can see it apart from the clueless parents!

Those are permissive parents, not authoritative ones. It is concerning that as a teacher you apparently cannot understand the difference.

Feral? Where on earth do you work?? You don’t think much of them or their families which is probably the root of the issue. You sound very harsh and judgemental.

@Fitasafiddle1
Well in that case your parenting isn’t what posters on here are describing or you’re deluded. I’ve yet to meet a child who has been brought up to think the world revolves around them, is not used to being told ‘no’ and has has conversations rather than consequences who has grown up to be anything other than a nightmare in school! It’s worth noting that teachers are no longer allowed to be as honest as they once were. Behaviour is such an issue in schools at the moment that only the most extreme (if any!) is being dealt with therefore teachers simply don’t have the time and energy to deal with the rest.