Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

Well, have you?

Or have you witnessed lazy/permissive parents?

Because all gentle parenting is, is not using fear/violence/aggression to get a small child to comply. Not simpering at a small child hitting a dog.

Nobody is 'cross'.
Good parenting is good parenting - consistent, with boundaries, with love and respect, accepting that we are all individuals and have a right to express that in a way that's meaningful to us, whilst also being part of a community and wider society. Children aren't mini-adults, remembering that is generally always helpful.

At risk of inflaming the situation, you've just described gentle parenting.

I've witnessed the behaviour of this particular parent, who has expressed that she practices gentle parenting.

No, they aren’t mini-adults, and that’s why you have to be thoughtful in helping them to understand boundaries and why they can and cannot do certain things - vs just dictating to them without explanation and expecting them to conform.

Just parenting.

It's good parenting, no need for the 'gentle'.

So gentle parenting is good parenting?

There we go, happy days.

I think a lot of people don’t know what “gentle parenting” actually means. It’s just about setting clear boundaries without screaming, shouting or belittling the child, whilst also encouraging children to make positive choices. It’s understanding why children might react in a particular way, but guiding them to regulate those emotions effectively. Sometimes it requires repetition, warnings and consequences. It always requires patience. It never requires a free-for-all; that neglectful parenting, not gentle.

Fab. What shall we call it when people are permissive, or hit and shout at their kids? Unparenting? Nonparenting?

That’s parenting - you never hit anyone let alone a child. Why give parenting a title?

Sometimes a 'no, you cannot' or 'please stop that now' is appropriate, with the discussions regarding why taking place later. The discussion does not have to happen there and then every single time.

Again, who is suggesting we do this?
Ah, yes, nobody.

Shit parenting! Or further up the scale, child abuse

This is a very interesting point! I think there could be some truth in this.

Bad parenting.
Quite straightforward.
(If you're concerned about how bad it is, be 'that person' and report it, for the child's sake).

That's gentle parenting - authoritative but respectful. A permissive approach would be to allow the behaviour to continue, an authoritarian approach would be to punish the 'disobedience' of the second throw

What is wrong with punishing disobedience? This is where one of the great blindness of "gentle parents" comes in. They think their child is well behaved because they can eventually be coaxed to do as you've asked. They visit my home & I think they are badly behaved because they:

• don't do as they are told first time, even great big kids of 8/9
• question instructions, wasting time & disrupting activities for others
• have to be nagged several times/don't listen when told no.

People always give example of toddlers with gentle parenting/natural consequences, but in RL what I see is ineffective toddler approaches but with a child of 6 or 7. They are still doing things a second or third time after being told not to.

Suggesting that the parenting has not prevented recurring behaviour. What do you do when it keeps recurring?

There are no real consequences of risking it, and often a child gets away with bad behaviour because older children don't always have grown ups hovering a few metres away the way toddlers do. The sorts of transgressions older children make often don't really have a natural consequence they care about either:

• Bully that kid you don't like - natural consequence, he won't play with you - you don't care, he's not one of your mates anyway. Other children don't tend to exclude the popular bully either so there's no meaningful natural consequence.
• don't do your homework - natural consequence, bad marks - you don't care until its too late to remedy.

Schools, police, society, need children to learn to obey first time, in group context where they won't get a one on one adult managing behaviour. If you don't apply real, meaningful consequences (i.e. punishments!!) for bad behaviour, in what sense are you maintaining firm boundaries?

No.
There's no need to call good/proper parenting 'gentle'. 🫣

This thread is like banging your head against a brick wall 😂

Allowing the behaviour to continue while attempting to have an ineffective negotiation there and then - not gentle parenting.

Redirecting / removing the child from the situation and then immediately having an age-appropriate conversation about why - gentle parenting.

Why call it gentle parenting? Parenting doesn’t need an extra title.

I think you’re over-egging the amount (and depth) of discussion when asking a child not to do something here.

Everything isn’t a massive discussion - ‘no you cannot do X, because of reason Y. We do not do x in y situation’

Explaining in the moment relates the activity to the instruction, doing it days later means they’ll probably have forgotten what they did, how it felt, the impact it had etc.

‘no’ becomes meaningless very quickly if just barked repeatedly without context IMO.

Because a surprising amount of people think that screaming, shouting and hitting, or, on the other side of the scale, ignoring their children and letting them “get on with it” is also “just parenting”.

Exactly - schools aren’t going to follow’gentle’ parenting style in the classroom.

Schroedinger's gentle parenting - simultaneously the reason kids are little shits in public, and also the thing all good parents have being doing all along anyway.

Or, some children are just lovely little people, who realise that they can behave and have fun, and they don't need to whine/tantrum because they're loved and secure.
I also think we have to note that some bad behaviour isn't bad behaviour at all, but overstimulation (in ND, but also sometimes in NT, children) and/or children learning to regulate their emotions.