Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

This must be the most overdone topic on mumsnet lately.

Gentle parenting is firm but fair parenting with boundaries and limits. So yes it is very effective.

Maybe you are thinking of permissive parenting? Which has no limits and boundaries?

Oh yes, there were never any disruptive pupils in the 70s nope.

They definitely all sat there meekly and obedient.

That's why they had caning...to hit all those meek and compliant children... 🙄

But children of the seventies have turned into a generation of adults who are famed for their inability to tolerate personal inconvenience.

I am certainly not accusing you personally of this, but there is a reason (speaking in general terms) that boomers are frequently associated with a lack of empathy, poor boundaries, excessive individualism, entitlement and poor tolerance for discomfort and inconvenience.

This is a sweeping generalisation, but no more so than saying 'kids today' are running wild. That's not my experience of schools, certainly.

I would consider myself a gentle parent. I try to have strict boundaries but I attempt to not shout and I would never hit my child. (I apologise if I do shout... even if I feel they asked for it. That's the bit I struggle the most with).

I guess the thing I hate to watch is my friends who ask their kids to get ready to go 15 times. I think it's better to just take their hand and help them out the door.

Nearly every parent is doing their best and everyone is on a different path I suppose

Well that’s the thing. It should be re named to parenting.

A child actually raised in a respectful manner while having boundaries in place wouldn't be that disrespectful after being asked to do something so reasonable in the first place though!

I swore at my parents maybe twice as a teenager - because it wasn't the "norm" for me or just seen as not being polite, they recognised that I had something else going on and stressing me out. They told me it was an unacceptable way to talk to them, I already felt bad enough without needing my phone taken away for a week, and they helped me unpick the stuff that had me feeling in a way that made me erupt in anger like that in the first place.

My DC go to an outstanding school. I would say that their teaching method is very similar to genuine gentle parenting, calm classrooms, clear expectations, teachers that can manage their emotions, pupils feel heard and respected.

I agree with a PP that ‘gentle parenting’ needs a rebranding. Everyone can claim until they’re blue in the face that this & that isn’t gentle parenting, but the reality that I’ve seen is that a lot of people have taken the word ‘gentle’ and ran with it.

I’m in a couple of gentle parenting Facebook groups and some of the things that get posted, and validated by other users, are exactly why it gets a bad rep now. I’ve seen low level stuff like emailing schools to say they need to change their discipline and behaviour policies because they don’t believe in time outs/zones/whatever else. I’ve seen mothers at the end of their tether be told that there’s nothing really they can do about their child repeatedly banging against walls for the fun of it because the natural consequence is just that other people get annoyed & if the child isn’t bothered about that then you’re out of options.

I’ve also seen people be told to never say that your child doing something made you proud/happy or equally sad or frustrated, because that’s making them responsible for your feelings. You should only focus on them and say things like “I see you’ve worked really hard on that, you should be so proud of yourself”. Equally if your child hurts another child or does something to upset them, you can explain what may have been better for them to do but you can’t force an apology nor can you say anything that suggests that they are responsible for the other child’s feelings, because they chose to react that way.

All of the people on these groups also seem to say that their child is highly emotionally sensitive, and feels big feelings very deeply.

I actually haven’t witnessed a lot of this in real life, apart from a few in toddler classes, and none of this is to say that gentle parenting, in its true form isn’t effective, but the label seems to have been taken to extremes in some circles so I can see why some people hear ‘gentle parenting’ and think the worst.

No, they're not, in the healthy sense of the word.
Anything but 3 is probably abusive.
3 isn't just 'gentle' parenting.

No, we haven't. 🫣

When I had to man phones in my previous role it wasn't the younger generation that would shout and swear down the phone or threatening to come to my office to physically abuse people. Nor were the 20 and 30YOs in the office punching walls or screaming at colleagues after difficult meetings.

Depends on how it is done, and the personalities of both the parents and children.

I would define us as having gentle parented to date, there have been very few occasions we have had to properly tell off (as against mildly correct) any of our kids, and certainly haven't had to punish bar the odd natural consequence type thing. IE: well, you ate all of that when we had said just one today, that means there aren't any for other days now. Or, I think you've had too much screentime this morning so there won't be any later.

We have mainly talked through issues, explained, reasoned, worked together for solutions. Apologised when we've got things wrong, or over reacted. The latter I used to do a fair bit when my bigger kids were younger, combination of undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD leading to poor emotional regulation.

All kids are different, my youngest needs a former hand than the older 2, but at the same time is far more sensitive...so that's a tricky line to walk!

Turns out I did (and still do, as she’s not fully grown yet) gentle parenting without even knowing it was a thing. DD was/is described by the adults in her life (teachers, parents of peers, our friends) as a lovely, incredibly polite, well behaved girl.

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

Agreed. A friend of mine was horrified when her now 18 year old swore at her and slammed a door. They left it a few minutes, knocked and went in, found him sat on his bed crying cause he was just so overwhelmed with all sorts. It was out of character, they weren't angry and they talked it though. Once the situation was resolved, they talked about respect, appropriate use of swear words especially in the family home. Helped him see that they were on his team, not just there to correct him. It didn't become a battle, it became a point for connection.

This thread is a great exercise in the "no true scotsman" fallacy.

If the parenting works then it's gentle parenting.

If the parenting doesn't work, then even if the parent thinks they're gentle parenting it isn't actually gentle parenting it's some other unspecified thing and nothing to do with gentle parenting.

It's worked for us. We don't use punishments, only natural consequences. Don't limit things like screen time. The only really hard line rules in the house are about kindness to each other and our animals. The dc do well at school, and are kind and empathetic people.

I don't for a second think it's the only good way to parent, but it has suited our family. I don't understand why people seem so vitriolic on mn about it.

We definitely didn’t do what many are describing as gentle parenting - wasn’t a term around then. We issued warnings and punishments, naught step, grounded them and expected them to behave at home, school and elsewhere.
It worked for us - happy healthy children - now in their mid 20’s.

Not quite.

Gentle parenting can and does work, especially if no other issues are involved. Will it work for every family/child? No.

Is every single parent that claims to be a gentle parent actually doing that or any parenting at all? Also no.

Just like a parent that will claim to be strict, have boundaries, be loving, have their child’s best interests at heart can actually be an abusive, destructive and toxic parent.

I agree 100%.

Not sure what you mean by 'the younger generation' tbh, as that depends on perspective. 😬

So is DS, even as a teenager. We've even had 'delightful' a few times. Be proud you're raising a decent and kind human. ❤️

Gentle parenting IS authoritative parenting 🤦‍♀️

We got the same results the DT’s but didn’t follow gentle parenting - had never heard it it until I saw in on Mnet- not something anyone mentioned in real life.

This is exactly what I came on to say! These threads always have people insisting that if gentle parenting is not effective, that’s because it clearly isn’t gentle parenting.