Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

Precocious. Doesn't mean naughty. It means clever/skilled/able beyond their years.

My children have natural consequences and we talk to them about their choices. I would say we gentle parent, they’ve turned out to be really happy confident children who feel that they have a valued voice.

I much prefer that to the quiet children my siblings have produced. They are easy for them because they are detached and happy to play on their phones. Mine are louder, ask questions which means they talk to adults and want to socialise, will put down their devices in favour of interacting. Which involves effort on all the adults part but I always come away from get togethers feeling content with my choice.

It just sounds like "parenting" then.

Why does it need a title?

If anything it should be called "good parenting" as the word "gentle" invokes views of ineffectual, passive people who daren't say "no" to their wild children.

You have to acknowledge that not everyone is perfect all the time, every day.

Hm. Is it the descriptor 'gentle' that irritates and gives critics a sense that proponents of this parenting style are trying to smugly claim some kind of parenting trophy and congratulate themselves on outcomes which aren't necessarily evident to an outside observer? Given that some PPs are saying that "they did that too but to them, it was just parenting"?

I've gentle parented / attachment parented 2 DC into their teens. A teacher of young children, I felt I had seen enough evidence in my classroom over the 15 years in the run-up to my own DCs arrival that children parented this way were usually able to regulate their emotions well, treated staff and peers respectfully and were able to listen to and follow instructions. I also feel that, working with children, I was not afraid of being an authoritative (not authoritarian) adult.

When parenting my own DC, I have absolutely used boundaries and applied natural consequences. I have shown them appropriate emotional range and modelled how to regulate 'big' feelings, and how to repair and make good when things go wrong. I have had clear 'non-negotiables'; things which my DC would never question or try to 'get away with' in a million years. I have taught patience through being explicitly patient and lifted the DCs natural tendency for kindness and empathy with praise and positive reinforcement. What I have prioritised above all is being a warm, responsive and safe adult who is relentless in the consistency of this approach. My DC are no more amazing than anyone else's; one is ND and has had considerable challenges in education, but they are contented and secure in themselves and kind and respectful to others, as are most people's DC to a greater or lesser extent -I honestly think it is in children's nature to be good, thoughtful and empathetic. As parents, we just need to find the most effective and fulfilling ways of facilitating their development.

What a brilliant response. This sums up gentle parenting beautifully.

My child year old could do that too, from about 3/4 ish.
The case I describe is a child whose parent describes themselves as a gentle parent. I'm not sure she's setting herself up for great teenage years tbh.

I would tend to agree except for all the posters on this thread claiming they're beleaguered by gently parented children every time they leave the house

I was also either ignored or ridiculed for expressing any emotions, and I don’t think that’s very healthy.

I think historically people didn’t really see children as their own people with feelings and emotions, and now people are more conscious of that.

People really like to kick at 'gentle parenting' in a sneering way, assuming it's wishy washy parenting.

Some of these people seem to be very unhappy that violent controlling parenting is now challenged and are desperate to return to that so that they can continue with this style themselves without being criticised.

Most people pick a range of parenting strategies that work for them and their children.

If you're happy with what you do, and it's not illegal in the country you live in why sneer at other people?

I didn't say it meant naughty.

Fair enough. I’m only mentioning it as it’s just another thing being named wrong a lot of the time especially on here. A lot of people get upset when gentle parenting is wrongly named for certain styles (permissive etc) but yet natural consequences has also been taken the wrong way these days.

A natural consequence of throwing a toy would be the toy gets broken and the child no longer has the toy.

A natural consequence of inappropriate behaviour somewhere would be other children avoid your child and they don’t have friends, or your child gets hit by another child who is upset, or your child get hurt doing something unsafe like falling off something you told them to get off of.

If an adult has to intervene in a consequence it is no longer natural.

I've witnessed this so called gentle parent on many occasions.

Who has said that voilent controlling parenting is the way to go then? 🫣

It’s much like the ‘children using technology’ threads though - ‘I saw X on the bus / in the supermarket / in a cafe and I am disgusted by the terrible parents of today’.

They take an individual situation with no broader context / the behaviour of one parent / child and extrapolate that to a huge number of people based on some random thing they’re prejudiced about.

So I guess the consensus from this thread is that yes, gentle parenting does work, but a lot of people will get cross if you call it that, so find some other name like 'effective' or 'good' or 'normal' instead and all will be well.

Yes - why titles - it’s just parenting. All this wishy washy stuff isn’t going to help children when they get to school where they will be told what to do, no time for negotiations, punishments if they don’t do as they are told.

No wonder there are so many confused children who don’t do as they are told to.

So I guess the consensus from this thread is that yes, gentle parenting does work, but a lot of people will get cross if you call it that, so find some other name like 'effective' or 'good' or 'normal' instead and all will be well.

Gentle parenting is shit because no one ever does it right.

Yes gentle parenting works.

If there are no boundaries it isn’t gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is how you maintain those boundaries - with respect, without shame, without arbitrary punishments.

Behaving like your child is a person that you teach, not an animal to be trained.

Understanding what they’re cognitively able to do at each age, rather than assuming behaviour is naughty or manipulative.

It’s science-based and hard work, but rewarding. I did my best to be a gentle parent and, entirely objectively of course, my teen son is the most brilliant person in the world. He is not a gentle child. I am in no way a gentle person. It’s not earth mother bullshit. It’s just respect, empathy and teaching, not reacting.

Sounds about right! 🙄

Nonsense... That's like saying calorie controlled diets don't work because no-one ever does it right...

Of course CCD and GP works.... if you do it right..

There's nothing wishy-washy about not hitting and shouting at a 3 year old..

I saw a good opinion somewhere that perfectly behaved children in public are usually the result of horrific/abusive parenting. This is why it feels the standard of kids behaviour has gone down over the years compared to the 80s-90s. No child innately wants to sit still and not make a noise for 2 hours during a meal or flight or whatever. But if they do this just because a parent told them too, you can only imagine what consequences they would be facing at home for disobeying.

Who does any parenting 'right' all the time?

Parenting is a set of skills and knowledge that develops over time and takes active learning to build.

Listening skills, responsiveness, knowledge of child development, specific communication strategies for children at different stages, learning to deal with difficult emotions (usually our own)

Parenting is HARD