Is gentle parenting effective

[Lifeisinteresting]

I was born in mid 80s so my parents parented like typical 80s parents, more tough love than softer approach. My daughter was born in the 00s we took a boundaries, firm but fair approach. I see posts on MN or with my friends who now have young kids who gentle parent and can't help but think half the reactions are down to not setting reasonable boundaries and responses.

I grew up under a strict regime of 80s parenting with an additional cultural layer of it being unthinkable to question elders even if they said black is white. My parents grew up in even stricter conditions.

We were "will behaved" children - did as we were told, but purely due to fear of the consequences, not due to being well adjusted.

People love to think that this harsher upbringing resulted in them becoming more resilient adults, able to take things in their stride as they weren't pampered and spoiled etc.

It is complete bullshit. You see people in their 40s, 50s, 80s losing their shit over minor things shouting at shop staff and call centre staff, moaning constantly about everything in the world instead of just getting on with it etc, absolutely no more sign of resilience than the average 25 year old despite what they claim.

My 5 year old is not scared of me, and is hard work sometimes especially when she doesn't get her away and will answer back far more than I did, but only because I had to suppress those reactions due to fear of a slap. But she's much more stable internally, understands much better when she is emotional and how she should behave, and she's harder work for us now then we were but I am confident she'll be a much better adjusted adult emotionally than me.

My goal is to raise a good adult, not a perfectly behaved child.

I think it's child-dependent, and depends on their own personality.

Gentle parenting, very possible and effective with my eldest. Not even close, with my youngest.

I think most decent humans would class what you wrote as just normal parenting.

You arent practising natural consequences. Those are logical/linked consequences. Removing the toy or leaving a day out involve you actively doing something to intervene. So the consequence isn’t natural.

That said, there are some good benefits so long as the parent proactively TEACHES the child routines, manners and social rules and then says ‘well done’, rather than relying on reactive moments and asking the child what what they ‘think’ they should’ve done instead of, say, snatching a toy.

I have observed gentle parenting that has become like white noise. Not sure if parents are aware of this. A mother saying in a kind, sweet, praise-like voice ‘oh come on now Oliver. We use kind hands’ while her child repeatedly hits a cat. The child doesn’t hear an instruction, he hears praise because his language and communication skills are behind - he interprets the sing-songy nature of the mother’s instructions rather than the words.

Okay so if gentle parenting is basically authoritative parenting without being a dickhead (when I don't think authoritative parenting probably involves being a dickhead anyway), it is possible my friends who say they use gentle parenting are just reading all the books but then applying what they've read in a totally different way. Stuff like negotiating for ages with the child about whether they'd like to wash their hands to gain their free consent rather than being directive about it, which it seemed to me would have meant less distress for the child as small things like that got turned into a big deal. I think the kids seemed to miss out on having to kind of get on with stuff that was less than ideal but not actually terrible, and I wasn't sure that was helping them.

I also think it's interesting that whenever there is a thread on gentle parenting, posters claim to be overrun every time they step outside by 'gently parented' children whose mummies are narrating a two thousand word bill of rights every time they push over another kid in the playground. This is very much not my experience. The kids I see running wild in the playground are the ones whose mothers are sitting with their noses buried in their phones, looking up every five minutes to ineffectually yell at their kids, somehow managing to both be permissive and inflict punishment at the same time.

This.

It's easy to be permissive and it's easy to be strict. Finding that middle ground (gentle parenting, or "just parenting" as some posters prefer to call it) is hard work.

I've heard these described as natural consequences but happy for them to be called logical / linked consequences too. I just mean I wouldn't punish unwanted behaviour by removing a totally unrelated treat or privilege. I would only remove what is necessary to prevent the recurrence of the behaviour in the moment.

If they're negotiating for ages about washing hands, they haven't interpreted it correctly. Things like hygiene and safety are firm boundaries - the conversation would go "we are going to wash our hands so that we don't spread germs" or similar - no long winded negotiation, it's the middle ground between "just do as I say and wash your hands" and an hour-long negotiation and bribery to wash hands.

Then why, as this thread proves, are so few people doing it?

Yeah I agree, I'm trying really hard at the moment to find a balance with co regulation and helping my kids feel safe when they are disregulated by being there quietly with them, and holding the boundary about how they can express it, then moving on swiftly once the moment passes and reflecting briefly later about how to deal with difficult feelings. It is absolutely exhausting (I will mention my kids could be ND as autism and ADHD run in my family), I feel like an untrained support worker at times, and it would probably be easier to either shout and punish and ignore or just give them what they want all the time.

Precocious .

Are ‘so few people doing it’?

Im pretty intolerant and I’d say 99% of children I encounter are pretty pleasant and don’t seem to be causing any issues.

Any type of parent can ignore or over-parent a child, but this thread was specifically about so-called gentle parenting.
Out of interest, should a gentle parented nearly 6 year old be able to walk round the supermarket with mum, or should they be sprawled in a shopping trolley (in the food bit) making demands on a stressed looking mum? Answers on a postcard.

Eh?

I'd say that is getting up and "let's go wash our hands"

Again, permissive parenting disguised as gentle.

Gentle parenting would look like firm redirection to do something different, removal from the situation if one attempt at redirection doesn't work, then a discussion immediately afterwards (not during) about why that behaviour isn't acceptable.

"Oliver, come and look at this book/toy/interesting thing outside/whatever". If Oliver doesn't move away, separate Oliver and the cat. Then have the conversation about kind hands, if you can't use kind hands then you can't touch the cat because it will hurt the cat etc.

I’d love to know more about gentle parenting as it I don’t really know much about it.

My DC are older now and I used to try and avoid shouting and losing my temper (although not always successfully!) and obviously they knew there were always boundaries but there wasn’t really a name for it then.

Or, how about 'Oliver, leave the cat alone, now'?

Completely agree with this. My parents were fairly typical 80s parents. I was spanked few times, shouted at regularly, and told off for being 'huffy' or sulking any time I expressed a negative emotion. I quickly learned to be an obedient kid but I turned into a terrible people-pleaser as an adult - profoundly conflict averse, unable to stand up for myself, unable to say no, and perpetually anxious that I have upset people. It is taking a hell of a lot of therapy for me to unpick that damage.

It is possible I'm a gentle parent who thinks I am an authoritative parent (or tries to be) and my friends are permissive parents who think they are gentle parents I guess.

Well. That's not gentle is it... That's ineffective
.

The parent should have removed the trolley from the child. Then he can't push it into the lady...

Well certainly my gently-parented four year old walks around the supermarket with me and is generally chatty, pleasant and helpful while doing it.

You could, but without the distraction of redirection, Oliver will probably keep hitting the cat while you keep saying "leave the cat alone now" and escalate into shouting and then Oliver doesn't understand what he's done wrong, only that he needs to leave the cat alone.

You can absolutely do it, but it's not as effective as the gentle approach.