Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about my 8yo’s complete lack of empathy?

138 replies

Brighdaytime · 14/06/2025 22:03

I am a single parent to two children DS 8 and DD 7. My son is a very unempathetic child and I do not know how to bridge that gap or why it is happening? He is a lovely boy until he thinks that he has been wronged in some way.

for example, we’re away this weekend and we were going to go to the park, so I mentioned if to my children but decided to stay at the disco for longer. When on the way home I mentioned that we were going to go straight home he was infuriated, told me that I was a liar and not kind to him and had lied to him and had the biggest meltdown. We got home and I then told him to put his pyjamas on and he cried for a few minutes before I went in and discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel and also explained the consequences of his actions (having to go to bed straight away). He then cried for a good 10 minutes before I went back in to discuss why he was crying and it was because he felt sad because I had been mean to him and he didn’t understand why I had done so!

he also does not think about doing nice things for people, feels very personally attacked at the consequences of his actions being called out etc, etc

OP posts:
Springadorable · 14/06/2025 22:06

To be honest I think it's you who is lacking in empathy. You said you were going to go somewhere he enjoys, he's looking forward to it, and then you decide you're not going and are going straight home and then wonder why he's upset about it. You then try and guilt him into having sympathy by saying you do other unrelated things for him. You then got cross and left him to cry and sent him to bed early, again none of which is really the consequence of his actions - it's your actions. No wonder he's in a bit of a muddle about how to do nice things if they always come with conditions attached.

myplace · 14/06/2025 22:07

That’s not lack of empathy. That’s a child struggling to deal with a change of plan. He’s not doing it to be mean to you, he just isn’t yet able to move through the necessary stages-
We’re going to the park.
We’re not going to the park
I don’t understand why we didn’t go to the park and I’m really upset.
Mummy’s telling me off for being really upset….

(Here’s the tricky bit…) That’s ok, because she’s my lively mummy and she bought me an icecream and we had a nice day, so I won’t be upset that we aren’t going to the park and I’m being told off for being upset.

myplace · 14/06/2025 22:09

Try being a bit more consistent, and try working out what’s going on in his head instead of just telling him he’s wrong.

You are the adult. You do the hard thinking. Don’t expect him to work it out without any help.

Pricelessadvice · 14/06/2025 22:10

You said you were taking him to the park and then you didn’t. That’s a big deal at that age because it’s a trusted parent lying to them.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/06/2025 22:10

He doesn't lack empathy, he expressed commitment and most likely is hyper focused on the plans in his mind.
My DS is always glass half empty, a stickler for the rules, you cannot change plans without consequences or a replacement deal.

Cadenza12 · 14/06/2025 22:11

You sprang the change of plan on him, didn't prep him etc. I think that you could have handled this better.

Icanttakethisanymore · 14/06/2025 22:12

That’s not lack of empathy… unless you think your DS should have felt empathy for you? If so, I don’t think that’s reasonable.

hepsitemiz · 14/06/2025 22:12

Why take your kids to a disco? That does not sound very family-friendly. For the rest, agree with PPs

purpleme12 · 14/06/2025 22:12

I don't know if this is just an odd example you've used but that example is really obvious why he's behaving how he is

So the post doesn't make a lot of sense

Nicebrightday · 14/06/2025 22:14

Agree with the others. You’ve described a child struggling with a change of plan, not one lacking in empathy.

FloraBotticelli · 14/06/2025 22:16

Agree with others. You need to show your child empathy first by putting yourself in his shoes. When he’s had a mostly consistent experience of you empathising with him for years, he’ll naturally start to show empathy to others as he gets older (with teen hormones etc getting in the way at times!)

GRex · 14/06/2025 22:19

I don't think you are using the correct word OP, empathy means the ability to understand and share feelings of another. Your kid didn't like that you cancelled plans and got upset. You seem to think he should want exactly what you want just because you want it. There isn't a word for that because it isn't really a thing.

You should have let them know when you changed the plan, apologised and arranged an alternate day or treat instead. Try to be kinder to the boy, he's only 8 and you've sent him to bed in tears over nothing.

Pinty · 14/06/2025 22:19

I agree with others I don't understand what he has done that is so bad. He hasn't demonstrated a lack of empathy in your example at all.
He was just behaving like a child who was upset because plans changed.You said you were going to the park he was looking forward to it and he was upset because you didn't go.
I think it's wrong to tell a child off and punish them for expressing their emotions which is what he was doing.
I also don't think children should be expected to express gratitude if their parents do nice things for them.

Dramatic · 14/06/2025 22:20

In what way does that mean he lacks empathy?

hardtocare · 14/06/2025 22:22

OP, you’re doing your best but kids that age are so black and white. Everything you do/ say feeds to be one way or another. I get why he was upset even though you did your best to give him a lovely day

Aria2015 · 14/06/2025 22:25

I think it's important to keep in mind that an 8 year olds world is smaller than an adults. An adult (who probably would never go to a park unless they had kids) would feel like they're missing nothing by the plans changing and the park trip being skipped. But to an 8 year old, who feels excitement and joy at the idea of going to the park, they feel like they're missing something that would have brought them lots of enjoyment if a change of plans occurs and it doesn't happen. So I think him expressing upset and disappoint is very age appropriate imo. The perception that you lied, is also age appropriate. You, the trusted adult, said something would happen and then later told him isn't wasn't happening. He feels deceived.

Listing off all the nice things you'd done that day can be interpreted two different ways. It could be seen as an attempt to help him gain some perspective over the day and try and look at the day overall and not just this last event or it could be seen as an attempt to guilt trip and shame him for complaining, which essentially invalidates his feelings and I don't think that's fair in this instance.

I feel like in this example you're expecting adult perspective and responses from a child and they just don't think like we do.

rosydreams · 14/06/2025 22:25

in this situation i would have asked him do yuo want to stay later at the disco or go to the park. At this age their opinion matter ,their feelings on being let down matter

start by saying i am sorry i didn't ask i thought you would be happier staying at the disco. Start talking listening

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 14/06/2025 22:28

Is this a joke thread? I'm trying to work out if it's one of those stupid ones based on a TV program or something.

Snorlaxo · 14/06/2025 22:29

That’s not a lack of empathy. He struggled to deal with a change in plans which is reasonable for his age. (I know it’s hard work dealing with the fall out but it’s a common way for someone his age to express disappointment)

I went in and discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel You chose to offer those treats and it is mean of you to offer those with strings. If you want to do nice things for him then it should be done because you want to, not so that you can use it to control his behaviour later. The bit about how his behaviour made you feel is very unreasonable. He should behave well because it’s the right thing to do, not because it makes you happy. He’s not responsible for your feelings - especially when you are the cause of his disappointment.

You lacked empathy. You should have empathised with his struggle to deal with his disappointment. If you think that he lacks empathy because your other child was ok with the change in plans then that’s also unreasonable. It’s a personality difference that he shouldn’t be punished for.

If he’s prone to not coping with a change in plans then don’t tell him your plans in future so that you can prevent this kind of incident. One of my sons had this personality and I didn’t announce plans because rain often led to things changing and I couldn’t be hassled with the fallout. He’s an adult now and likes plans not to change but he doesn’t sulk, whine or become angry when they do.

AyeRight78 · 14/06/2025 22:29

Sounds a lot like my DS who is 10 and hates plans changing and just not getting his own way. But my son is incredibly empathetic so I think you’re confused about what empathy actually means.

JustFeedMeCake · 14/06/2025 22:31

First post nailed it. You let him down. You are the issue here.

namechangedforvalidreasons · 14/06/2025 22:31

If I’d said to my kids ‘change of plan’ at 8, after a day of kid-centred fun, and been called a liar, and met with a tantrum, I’d have invited them to retire early too. Because that sounds to me like someone who needs to go to sleep. A bit of a moan or a brief huff or whatever, okay, reasonable reaction of a tired child to disappointment. I don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect empathy from kids, as such, you’re their mum, not a person, but by 8, with an NT child, you’d want them to get that it can’t always go their way and plans change, surely?

rosydreams · 14/06/2025 22:31

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 14/06/2025 22:28

Is this a joke thread? I'm trying to work out if it's one of those stupid ones based on a TV program or something.

maybe but i have difficulty understand others feelings .I suffered brain damage when i was born ,i have difficulty like with people with autism understanding their feelings .

Its been a challenge trying to understand my teenage daughter ,i want to empathetic and kind but its hard with this wall

myplace · 14/06/2025 22:32

I’m 55 and my mother keeps complaining I lack empathy. She means I don’t do what she wants. She thinks I should agree with her, and make sure she’s never sad. Anything less and I lack empathy. She would let you set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Don’t be like her. She’s a rubbish mum.

AndImBrit · 14/06/2025 22:33

You’re the one not showing empathy in this scenario…