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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about my 8yo’s complete lack of empathy?

138 replies

Brighdaytime · 14/06/2025 22:03

I am a single parent to two children DS 8 and DD 7. My son is a very unempathetic child and I do not know how to bridge that gap or why it is happening? He is a lovely boy until he thinks that he has been wronged in some way.

for example, we’re away this weekend and we were going to go to the park, so I mentioned if to my children but decided to stay at the disco for longer. When on the way home I mentioned that we were going to go straight home he was infuriated, told me that I was a liar and not kind to him and had lied to him and had the biggest meltdown. We got home and I then told him to put his pyjamas on and he cried for a few minutes before I went in and discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel and also explained the consequences of his actions (having to go to bed straight away). He then cried for a good 10 minutes before I went back in to discuss why he was crying and it was because he felt sad because I had been mean to him and he didn’t understand why I had done so!

he also does not think about doing nice things for people, feels very personally attacked at the consequences of his actions being called out etc, etc

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/06/2025 23:47

Who goes to the park after 7pm?! Could you not have popped in before the disco? Sounds like you need to plan out your time better. Yes let your son know that sometimes plans change but this just seemed very avoidable.

Greenalien1 · 14/06/2025 23:47

My son is a little younger than yours and is the most empathetic child i know but he has called me a liar in the past when I've changed plans suddenly. He likes to know plans and what's going on and gets upset jf they change very suddenly.

In their mind you have lied we said one thing and now doing something else which is a lie. I've just tried to explain the situation explain I understand it's upsetting and apologise and talk it through. Just have a cuddle and a chat and apologise for the change.

cestlavielife · 14/06/2025 23:52

discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel

But
You said you would go to park
Then you changed plans
He didn't get to the park
He is 8 and was expecting park
Try be clearer when you change plans next time
Show empathy to him as an 8 year old

adviceneeded1990 · 14/06/2025 23:54

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/06/2025 23:47

Who goes to the park after 7pm?! Could you not have popped in before the disco? Sounds like you need to plan out your time better. Yes let your son know that sometimes plans change but this just seemed very avoidable.

Assuming they are UK based, it’s broad daylight until near 11 now? We went to the park at 7:30pm after a hobby class last night, stayed until around 8:15pm, then home, story and bed for 9.

JohnnyLuLus · 14/06/2025 23:57

Springadorable · 14/06/2025 22:06

To be honest I think it's you who is lacking in empathy. You said you were going to go somewhere he enjoys, he's looking forward to it, and then you decide you're not going and are going straight home and then wonder why he's upset about it. You then try and guilt him into having sympathy by saying you do other unrelated things for him. You then got cross and left him to cry and sent him to bed early, again none of which is really the consequence of his actions - it's your actions. No wonder he's in a bit of a muddle about how to do nice things if they always come with conditions attached.

I agree with this and was going to say exactly the same.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/06/2025 00:10

Oh Jesus OP. You were really over the top on this one.

You explain you spent more time at the disco than you all had planned but you’ll go to the park in the morning. End of… It sounds like he was overtired.

Instead you go on about all the good things you’ve done for him? Then you go on and on about how he has made you feel? That’s manipulative in my book.

Where you went wrong was not to gather them and say… “right it’s X o’clock we can leave now and head to the park or stay and go to the park on the morning”

You forgot about the park and they pulled you up on it.

LBFseBrom · 15/06/2025 00:22

For goodness sake, he is a child and he was disappointed in you. Don't list all the nice things you did for him, you're his mother and that's what you're supposed to do. He was disappointed, crying, you are acting like more of a kid than he is and being extremely unempathetic.

llizzie · 15/06/2025 01:10

Perhaps there is too much discussing and chewing over everything.

Do we sometimes forget we are talking to children not adults?

If there is too much discussion the issues get clouded.

user1473878824 · 15/06/2025 01:15

I am so confused by the comments on this thread. He is eight, not four. Sometimes plans change. Having tantrums and falling someone a liar and then crying for 10 minutes are not normal reactions for not going to the park at eight. Telling OP she’s “the problem” is mental.

Nicebrightday · 15/06/2025 01:18

user1473878824 · 15/06/2025 01:15

I am so confused by the comments on this thread. He is eight, not four. Sometimes plans change. Having tantrums and falling someone a liar and then crying for 10 minutes are not normal reactions for not going to the park at eight. Telling OP she’s “the problem” is mental.

Having tantrums and falling someone a liar and then crying for 10 minutes are not normal reactions for not going to the park at eight.

Possibly not, but neither do they indicate a lack of empathy, which is what OP said she was concerned about.

pottylolly · 15/06/2025 01:22

Think about it for a sec from his point of view. You made a promise to him that you then not only didn’t honour, but you also then gaslit him into thinking he was the problem for being upset. All of this without ever telling him why you changed the plans.

He’s only 8. It’s not on him to mind read and automatically empathise with every decision you make - it’s up to you to explain them.

Nicebrightday · 15/06/2025 01:25

Gently explaining it gets me nowhere and shouting gets me even further away.

OP, when a child (or anyone!) is having a tantrum or is crying and very upset there is absolutely no point in talking to them in that moment. They can’t process it.

They need time to calm down first and you need to relate to them. Only then can you discuss the problem.

scotstars · 15/06/2025 01:52

So you are away from home and probably in a different routine with a busy day. You changed your plans which a tired, overstimulated 8 year old struggled to cope with and then because he got upset he got punished with going to bed early and guilt tripped about everything you do for him. The 8 yo is not the issue here he behaved as many kids this age would

coxesorangepippin · 15/06/2025 01:55

Sound alike he's exhausted and needs to sleep

coxesorangepippin · 15/06/2025 01:57

It needs to be spelt out to them, every time:

Yes, we can stop longer at the disco, but if we do, we can't go to the park. Which is it??

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/06/2025 01:58

Brighdaytime · 14/06/2025 22:38

Okay, I understand a lot of the comments. A bit more context. We had gone to a kids disco and was planning on leaving at 7 but stayed until 7.45 as we were having such a nice time dancing/playing etc until the kids said that their feet hurt. I had completely forgot about the park but when they mentioned it to me I said we’d go in the morning because we’d just gotten carried away and then it all started from there. I completely get the comments that I was probably being manipulative in that situation but I don’t know how else to deal with it. Gently explaining it gets me nowhere and shouting gets me even further away. I think that I just get so frustrated because it’s me on my own.

Look we’ve all been there where we have had to change plans or can’t do something we said we’d do or forgotten a promise we made.

Another way to deal with this situation:

In response to him being upset with you, you could have acknowledged his feelings. Then show that you understand how he feels. You could have said I’m sorry we’re not going to the park today. It seems really unfair doesn’t it? I’m sorry you feel like I lied to you, I didn’t mean to, I really just forgot. Then just comfort him or let him be upset and process his feelings. Show him empathy because that’s how he will learn to have empathy himself. And even though you didn’t mean to let him down or you feel it was unavoidable, you still did let him down. Apologies for that. Just because you are the adult and he is the child doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apologise.

From what you’ve written about what he said my impression is that he doesn’t know if he can trust you or believe you when you say you will take them to the park tomorrow. And that’s fair enough because in his experience you said you would take them and then didn’t. So why would it be any different tomorrow? A simple apology of I’m sorry I forgot or I’m sorry that we ran out of time could go a long way to restoring trust.

AngelaBeverage · 15/06/2025 02:14

"Gently explaining it gets me nowhere and shouting gets me even further away."

How about empathising instead? He can't help feeling sad / upset / frustrated about the change of plans. Children often find it helpful to feel listened to.

"I know love, you're disappointed about not going to the park. You were looking forward to it. It is hard when plans change, sometimes. I like going to the park too. Let's have a cuddle."

Then cuddle and bed and we're looking forward to the park tomorrow.

SecondWoman · 15/06/2025 02:19

OP, he’s just an overtired child on holiday who was disappointed when plans changed and threw a tantrum. Nothing to do with ‘empathy’.

Rayqueen · 15/06/2025 02:27

Lol it's the child's fault yet clearly the parent so take responsibility

Chickensky · 15/06/2025 02:35

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/06/2025 00:10

Oh Jesus OP. You were really over the top on this one.

You explain you spent more time at the disco than you all had planned but you’ll go to the park in the morning. End of… It sounds like he was overtired.

Instead you go on about all the good things you’ve done for him? Then you go on and on about how he has made you feel? That’s manipulative in my book.

Where you went wrong was not to gather them and say… “right it’s X o’clock we can leave now and head to the park or stay and go to the park on the morning”

You forgot about the park and they pulled you up on it.

This. He's an overtired kid disappointed (not the end of the world) but avoidable.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to just "make doos with the park" and then crack on.

I hope you and your family enjoy your hols.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 15/06/2025 02:47

Pinty · 14/06/2025 22:19

I agree with others I don't understand what he has done that is so bad. He hasn't demonstrated a lack of empathy in your example at all.
He was just behaving like a child who was upset because plans changed.You said you were going to the park he was looking forward to it and he was upset because you didn't go.
I think it's wrong to tell a child off and punish them for expressing their emotions which is what he was doing.
I also don't think children should be expected to express gratitude if their parents do nice things for them.

This. If anything it was you with the lack of empathy. You didn't acknowledge his disappointment and then kind of darvo'd him.

It is well known that children who are not taught to understand and label their emotions or who don't feel validated, struggle sometimes psychologically in later life. I really hope this is just a one off.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 15/06/2025 03:18

Sometimes you need to take their anger on the chin and not try to defend yourself or feel aggrieved because they are angry - he’s a child, not an adult.

My son melts down like this occasionally, he gets so disappointed or upset if he expects something to happen and it doesn’t. It’s normal for them to feel that way at this age, so much is out of their control.

The only thing you need to do is tell him that you understand why he’s upset and that you’re sorry that you forgot about the park and stayed at the disco longer than planned. If he keeps crying, it’s fine, he’ll let it out and then get over it, you don’t need to make him stop by guilting him, and for gods sake don’t shout while he’s crying about something 🥺
I get the feeling that you felt attacked when he did this - remember that you are one of the only people he can rage at without fear of rejection, I know it feels pretty crappy when it happens but just be there for him, you don’t need to defend yourself.

TooSquaretobehip · 15/06/2025 04:10

Sorry but I don't think it's your son lacking empathy here.... Have a look in the mirror. You sound cold, cruel and manipulative.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/06/2025 04:59

Evidently, he can't cope with a change like that or follow your adult logic.

You should have explained before hand, eg:

'We could stay here longer, but that means no time for the park today - we could go to the park tomorrow instead.

Or we can leave here now and go to the park.'

For you, the logic was clear, staying longer = no time for park, put park plan aside til tomorrow.

For him though, the expectation was disco then park. Time (particularly when it is still light outside until late) is far less meangful at that age, as he doesn't have to think about all the things you need time for -thats your job.

The crashing disappointment of your expectations not being fulfilled far overrides the nice things like 'I had a nice time at the disco' and 'I had an icecream', many kids of his age would not be able to over-ride the emotion of 'now' with the memory of nicer experiences in the recent past.

Then add in it being the end of a long day and you are effectively turning the volume up to 11 on those emotions.

Im really not seeing evidence of a lack of empathy here from him to you - but that is still in development for him and it might be that he struggles to see how others may perceive things differently to him, or you may simply be expecting way too much!

Whilst technically, kids start to develop a sense of empathy from around 3 on, a lot of it is mimicking adult responses, and performing expected/taught behaviours (saying sorry, giving someone a hug if they hurt themselves) rather than a true understanding and ability to imagine what someone else feels. Full, adult levels of empathy aren't there until early to mid teens!!

Oblomov25 · 15/06/2025 05:36

His irritation is blatantly obvious. Your lack of insight is worrying. We all saw it immediately. He's an 8 year old that was promised something that was withdrawn, changed, and then belittled and challenged on their emotions. Explain better in future. Is it possible that he has ASD and you have it aswell?

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