To be concerned about my 8yo’s complete lack of empathy?

[Brighdaytime]

I am a single parent to two children DS 8 and DD 7. My son is a very unempathetic child and I do not know how to bridge that gap or why it is happening? He is a lovely boy until he thinks that he has been wronged in some way.

for example, we’re away this weekend and we were going to go to the park, so I mentioned if to my children but decided to stay at the disco for longer. When on the way home I mentioned that we were going to go straight home he was infuriated, told me that I was a liar and not kind to him and had lied to him and had the biggest meltdown. We got home and I then told him to put his pyjamas on and he cried for a few minutes before I went in and discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel and also explained the consequences of his actions (having to go to bed straight away). He then cried for a good 10 minutes before I went back in to discuss why he was crying and it was because he felt sad because I had been mean to him and he didn’t understand why I had done so!

he also does not think about doing nice things for people, feels very personally attacked at the consequences of his actions being called out etc, etc

No one is saying it’s a negative but you simply cannot diagnose something with something based on one single interaction.
Let alone one where OP’s claim that he lacks empathy and her own example doesn’t back that up.

I don’t recall diagnosing anything either. OP has plenty of comments on here anyway that will surely be helpful.

Nobody is diagnosing. This is an internet forum not a medical clinic. Suggesting that a child has some similarities to a child the respondent knows with a diagnosed condition or suggesting OP look into a possibility is not diagnosing. As others have said it's not a shameful thing.

I can see parallels to both how the child behaved and the parent's response (parent child dynamic in general) in myself before I was diagnosed with ADHD as well. I think a lot of posts are being way too harsh and jumping on a bandwagon to "look for the villain" which they have decided is OP.

On the one hand yes children are more emotionally volatile on holiday, it's difficult for them when plans change, adults need to be aware of this and plan for it.

OTOH this response sounds like more than holiday excitement, it's an older age than you'd usually get this kind of thing and by the sounds of the post it's not only happening on this occasion. Plus it's bloody hard being on your own and an imperfect response is more likely when the parent is stressed out and tired as well.

Forgetting something you said earlier can happen especially if it was a throwaway comment that you didn't realise a child had taken to heart. When this is happening frequently due to an adult having their own struggles whether that's general stress and burnout or something like ADHD, it can make the child feel like they can't trust anything the adult says and provoke more anxiety or rigidity trying to get a clearer sense of what is happening. It's like a vicious circle. The adult finds it difficult to provide a stable calm environment so the child (already primed to find life difficult) responds with stress behaviours which are very difficult for the adult to deal with and make the adult more stressed and even less likely to respond in a calm and consistent way.

If you tell a child that something is planned and then cancel it they will kick off.

Put yourself inside their mind, add in the immature emotional control of an 8 year old ............ what did you expect to happen?

He then got punished for having a meltdown ........

Maybe next time talk with him. Discuss what time you have available and what can be fitted in, and if this is cannot be then talk about how this could happen in the future - don't just drop this on him - prepare him.

This is not about empathy.

No one has diagnosed ND - but many many people if you have read the full thread have commented on their personal experience of having children with ND who have / would react the same.

We all know all children are different and this is a one off example the OP is talking about. I don’t know why this is so triggering for you and why you are commenting so aggressively about it. It’s quite common on mumsnet - someone will say - my child has poor sleep or isn’t talking or has poor eye contact - and people will say Oo have you considered ND - Ofc that is not a diagnosis but a reccomendation from one parent to another.

I don’t know that anyone who isn’t in the shoes of a single parent can confidently say that parenting as a single parent is irrelevant when it comes to children’s behaviour / difficulties in parenting. I have watched many many 2 parent families struggle with tantrums / difficulties with parenting. I can only imagine that it will be much harder when you have the main responsibility for arranging / planning every activity / school / parties, extra curricular activities and then the only one that the tantrums and big feelings are directed towards. Obviously every co-parenting dynamic is different and there may be a supportive ex partner but I took from the OP (and the update) that this particular poster is overwhelmed precisely because she is a single parent and that’s why she mentioned it. So I would say it is very relevant.

@TheboymolefoxandhorseWhat I meant is that it’s irrelevant to HIS behaviour and the question of HIS empathy but everything to do with hers.

As I’ve pointed out, the fact she’s even mentioned it shows she is clearly exhausted and feeling unappreciated and undervalued. So the post is more about her and her reaction than his.

There is no doubt that single parenting is much harder.
I feel for OP. I’m not a single parent but I often find it hard to control my reactions and behaviour so it must be super hard in her situation.

@luckycat888 so sorry I read that completely the wrong way. We’re both saying the same thing 🤣 my mistake !

When a child is playing up, a bit hysterical, screaming, you can try to diffuse the problem by giving DC something to take their mind off what they cannot stop themselves.

Fizzy drinks works. It enables them to think of something else. It doesn't have to be a fizzy drink, but that is more commonly available in the cupboard. Anything new can do it.

If a child has a favourite toy, that works too. You just have to change the mind set.

Is it just me, or is this just a huge drama over nothing

He was upset because he missed out on the park. That's it.

No, it’s not just you.

It really is manipulative.
it’s a parents job to provide, and it shouldn’t be transactional. Children don’t owe us because we provide, that’s what we signed up for.
Reading through the full thread might help, because there’s other examples

I thought you were going to say he tortures animals or something. Or couldn't care less when you're ill or injured or crying or something like that. Getting a bit upset when plans they were looking forward to get scratched is pretty normal 8yo stuff.