What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

phone ahead, explain the situation to the restaurant and ask for her, at the end to be billed separately sans gratuity.

BTW, my DH insists of 15% if the service was great. Me, I’m more of a tightarse at 10%.

Ask for her/his bill to be done separately!

I understand OP. I have a friend who always makes a fuss about the bill and I get a bit anxious before going out with them because we always know its going to happen and it just makes things turn a bit sour after a nice night.
UK waiting staff do rely on their tips, regardless of what some people say. If she's your sister then just message her upfront and say that the restaurant add a service charge and you're letting her know in advance so that there's no issues when the bill comes.

I don't know why you are embarrassed so much really, you arent responsible for her behaviour and she can do as she wishes. What about going to the till to settle the bill while others are just finishing coffees and then asking for payment back to you afterwards if that's how you are splitting it. So no faff on the day.

Hello all,

looking forward to Mum and Dad’s anniversary meal! Just to let you know that there will be a 10% service charge for this place, and we won’t be removing it from the bill. I wanted to let you know before the day to avoid any discussions at the restaurant. You can choose individually not to pay and I am choosing to cover anyone that doesn’t pay it. Thank you.

I was out with people I didn't know well on a hen do. Noone else would pay the tip for the young girl (except me and the bride) I ended up paying rest of the tip myself, it was so awkward and I'm glad I didn't have to see them again after the wedding

I was out for a meal with my hobby group a while back. It was very busy and the service wasn't up to its usual standard. Several people didn't leave a tip, and the person who organised it was so embarrassed because the pub was owned by friends of hers that she refused to get involved with organising another meal out.

However, she decided that she would organise a recent meal (in another pub owned by more friends of hers) but said upfront she wanted a fiver from each of us to cover a tip, and no tip no meal. She is bossy like that.

I like this, but I’d probably end it with

You can choose individually not to pay the tip, but this means it will be me covering it as I’ve no intebtion of leaving the money short.

Let them know it’ll be covered but you’re not that impressed.

I would talk to the restaurant manager and ask for the tip not to be included in the bill for anyone, because different guests would like to pay different tips and they would like the chance to choose individually. Then guests can pay cash for their tip.

This way everyone can choose if and how much to tip, and there are no dramas.

I actually agree with your family member and disagree with the tip being added automatically. And tbh all the time I carried cash I’d remove it and then give the tip in cash. If the service was excellent I’d want to make sure it went to the person serving us. My dad palms it to the server in a handshake. He’s done this in very upmarket places (eg 15 years ago the bill was over £700 for 4 of us). That said I usually just leave it on now as I don’t carry cash in the same way and some restaurants don’t take cash either. It probably works out for the staff but I know I tip less when the gratuity is added to the bill. If it were me I’d let them remove the tip and then I’d give a larger cash tip. Eg if it’s 10% I’d leave 15% is cash, if it’s 15% I’d leave 20%. This makes it look like removing the gratuity was an intentional decision. Also, don’t split the bill at the table, one person pay and then get the money back afterwards.
ETA: just wanted to add that I split the bill at a restaurant with “friends” once. I made sure to leave a 20% tip in my part of the split. The bill was short because people were rounding down their meal. I was so embarrassed. But that’s why I hate splitting the bill by item, either split it equally or do it later.

I take it that your family member has never worked in hospitality where tips can make the difference between getting a cab home or waiting for the last bus.

If you’re worried about it speak to someone at the restaurant beforehand. If they are happy to remove a gratuity from a bill at the end of a meal surely they can do it from the outset. Then you can sort the tip on the evening.

Would it be better to deal with it directly in advance?

Tell her that while you understand she doesn't like tipping, most people don't mind. And that asking on the day for the tip to be removed is mortifying for most people there, and could leave a sour tatse on what should be a nice day.

Ask her to make an exception, and confirm she'll be happy to tip (barring any issues etc). Otherwise say you'll ask in advance whether they can run a separate bill for her (including drinks etc) and leave her to it at the end. (I'd actually give the restaurant a heads-up as to why, and say you don't agree with her approach, so are happy to pay service for the majority of the table).

But be clear that not tipping and causing a scene on the day won't be acceptable.

You can argue the rights and wrongs of tipping all day, but sometimes having a nice celebration is more important.

I'd have absolutely no patience for someone making it all about them.

The family member hasn’t a problem with the gratuity being added automatically. She (a) doesn’t tip at all herself and (b) presumes to remove the gratuity for everyone else.

Maybe check with the restaurant whether the 10% gratuity is optional or a mandatory service charge bearing in mind the occasion. If it is mandatory then forewarn your sister and she can decide whether or not she wants to come. If it is discretionary inform her the rest of the group are happy paying it and she is not to ask.

service is not just the wait staff, it is all the people behind the scenes e.g.the chef, kitchen staff, bar staff etc.

I do tip, but I resent it in principle. Not because I resent giving money to hard-working and low-paid staff, but because I think employers should pay them
properly. I also don't like the idea that it's sort of not compulsory, but in fact it actually IS. I hate that sort of hyprocrisy!

I only refused to tip once - and my sister tipped anyway! We'd been totally ignored and forgotten, not just once but throughout the whole experience (waiting to be sat down, for menus, to have the order taken, to have our order brought, then in getting the bill). We could see 3 different waiters messing about tidying piles of menus and chatting to each other - they were young lads who were not being managed properly, and all carefully avoiding any actual work!

I had to literally chase round the restaurant to find someone to pay! I said "I was just on the point of walking out without paying!". The member of staff ignored this comment and offered me the card machine to add a tip. I declined.

Ah, the old ‘discretionary’ addition. I’m so cynical nowadays, this reads (to me) as code for ‘we acknowledge we don’t pay our staff anywhere near enough for them to survive on, so we ask that you make up the shortfall so they might be able to afford a hot meal next week’

So i pay it anyway, out of guilt. But then my cynicism knows no bounds, so I also assume the business isn’t always 100% honest about how much they’re taking in ‘discretionary tips’, and take a cut for themselves.

Of course, a simple way around this is to tip in cash only, but I’ve also embarrassed staff in that way because I’ve been told on more than one occasion ‘we’re not allowed to accept cash tips, as it’s supposed to be shared between all staff’, then I feel guilty all over again for putting them in such a position.

All this guilt, stress, anxiety, its a wonder I can leave the house - let alone eat!!! 😭

So do you add an extra 10-15% on to what you pay for all goods and services of any kind that you buy or benefit from in life?

Do you insist on paying an extra 10% on top of your council tax? Checkout lady in Tesco? Train tickets? When you buy petrol? Your utility bills?

I do hope so, as being tight is an awful trait to have.

People have used societal shame to coerce others into falling into line, whether it is their choice to participate in a popular custom or not.

At one time, women (never men, mind) would have been whispered about and called names for not spending hours each week scrubbing their outside door step.

People still do it frequently now, when women believe that their (washed) natural-looking face is good enough to be seen in public. They are told that they 'look ill', are 'being unprofessional' or otherwise made to feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Only if they want to give a 10% uplift.

They don't have to up the wages by the same amount. I'm not here to do their accountancy.

It's so obviously a ruse in the fact that it's a percentage of the cost of the food. Bringing somebody a glass of coke and a chicken salad isn't any less work than bringing a bottle of vintage champagne and a lobster.

If, for some reason, restaurants choose to include the costs for everything else - toilets, heating, lighting, use of the table and chair, business rates etc. - in the price of the food and drink but prefer not to include the service charge, if they were honest, it would be £X per person, regardless of what they ordered. The fact that they randomly charge a percentage of what you've ordered is very telling.

It's the equivalent of a taxi fare being three times the cost to take you to a posh, fancy, exclusive hotel over the fare for taking you the same distance to the Premier Inn next door.

You need to speak to her now and say that her behaviour around tipping makes you thoroughly embarrassed and ask her not to do it on this occasion and make it clear that if she does do it that you will never be eating out with her again .

I don’t see why it should be compulsory to tip for people literally just doing a job they’re paid to do, if someone goes above and beyond or the food/service etc really stands out I’m more than happy to show my appreciation with a generous tip but I think it’s cheeky when it’s automatically added to the bill. US automatic tipping culture is ridiculous and shouldn’t be encouraged here so I think YABU overall, even though I would usually tip I don’t expect others to feel like they have to.

There are two things going on here. One - is it acceptable to put a service charge on a restaurant bill, and Two - is it acceptable for a family member to spoil an outing/make it all about them, when it’s meant to be about their DPs. I concur with some of the sentiments around tips being on the bill, but this is a wider matter about ensuring DPs have a nice meal out with no unpleasantness.

I think the message you had earlier was good OP, I would amend it slightly “The restaurant Mum and Dad have picked has a standard service charge for large parties <link to relevant web page>. I know you have strong feelings about this Dsis but as we want the day to go as smoothly as possible, please either accept this is the T&Cs for the restaurant our parents have picked and don’t make a fuss on the day - if you feel that strongly about it I will pay your portion of the service charge, or find a new venue which doesn’t do this and book and advise Mum & Dad. Thanks.”

I'm personally with your sister on general principle, but why can't you just speak to her beforehand and ask that she suck it up this one time for the sake of your parents' celebration?

In the case of my relative im sure he actually enjoyed spoiling the celebration and making it all about him . Either that or he was incredibly non self aware.

I wouldn't have a celebration for my own milestone birthdays with him anymore , having had a previous one marred.

Hopefully this isn't the case with ops sister.