What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

It would be £5.60 surely, as the extra 20% tax would only be on the additional 50p (VAT presumably already incorporated into the original £5).

Dd served one young couple at the quite decent restaurant she works at they had had excellent service from her was a very busy night she’d even given them tips about places to visit as they were visitors. They were very happy with everything and said so. Then explicitly asked for the tip to be removed 🙄. Twats.

Yes you’re right. I made a typo when I posted!

I hate tipping too, particularly as they usually already add the service charge to your total. That's the tip IMO. However I do realise its a cringeworthy situation when with a group who do want to tip so I would grudgingly cough up. With this woman I would loudly ask for a separate bill for her, or just don't invite her at all.

Can you just pay her tip? (And do you mean tip or service charge that is usually added to all groups over 6 people?)

So for example final bill comes to £1000, she pays £90 and you pay £110. I know you shouldn't have to but you can't let her ruin this event.

It is different. Large groups cause bottle necks in kitchens that the continual serving of smaller groups don’t. So serving 10 groups of 5 is quicker and easier than serving 5 groups of 10. Bookings in restaurants are always staggered precisely to help with the flow of serving people.

Some groups do pay the whole bill, but the majority don’t so I understand why some places just have a rule of charging larger groups a fixed service charge.

From your comment you don’t realise the tip goes to the staff and is tax free so a real bonus to those who get tips and who are usually on minimum wage. If they “put the price they sodding want you to pay on the menu”
That would go to the restaurants profit

In my experience larger groups which split the bill are often less likely to tip if there's no service charge. The stingy non tippers will hide in the crowd or even pay for less than what they had without taking a tip into account, meaning that there's an awkward "we're still £30 short, guys" moment at the end, or the last person to pay ends up taking one for the team. The completely discretionary tip is always the first casualty of that type of situation.

Could you not just pick up the bill when it arrives at the table and say the total, so if we split that equally, that's £x each. If you are just splitting equally, she won't need to look at the receipt. I've never looked at the receipt (unless I'm the one designated to organise it all). She may insist on seeing it, so if she wants her extra removed, just say, "ok, I'm happy to pay my extra, would anyone else like theirs removing?" So each person can decide individually xx

UK here.

I always ask for the gratuity to be removed and then I leave a tip.

I do this because I really dislike that restaurants add this and lots of them DO NOT pass the gratuity on to the actual staff. I used to ask staff if they get the gratuity and lots of them were embarrassed to say no or would say they’re not allowed to discuss that (or words to that effect).

so now, I always ask for the gratuity to be removed and leave a tip of between 10-15% depending on service and size of group

I thought this at first. However, given it’s her principle, it’d be like telling a vegan there was no egg in a dish you’d cooked her

There is no need to tip in the UK because of the minimum wage, I used to tip but have cut down drastically because it just doesn't make sense, let's be honest we tip because it's been instilled into us growing up but it makes absolutely no sense.

If it means saving money I'll go and get my own plate that's not a problem but if we're not careful it'll become like America and they are insane with tipping.

I would argue that in “this day and age”, when people are struggling to manage on minimum wage, tipping for good service is definitely not outdated. Maybe when servers are appropriately remunerated for what (done well) is a bloody hard job then tipping won’t be necessary to supplement income.

In that case, why don't restaurants just put a limit on group sizes? The ones that find smaller groups easier can clearly say no more than 4 or 6 people in a group - and then refuse bookings from any bigger groups - then the ones that are happy to take the extra inconvenience along with the extra income from more diners can clearly state that they welcome bigger groups.

It does rather seem like they are begrudging people giving them too much business. Nobody is forcing them to accept it.

Maybe they just assumed that she took pride in her job, and was a naturally friendly person; and then they subsequently thought that she/her employer was the unreasonable one for clearly only being friendly in the expectation of more money?

Surely being grumpy, surly or just cold when doing a service job shouldn't be expected to be the norm - with friendliness automatically deemed worthy of extra payment?

Are they doing it because of meanness or because they can’t afford to tip? Call them out if it’s because of meanness- there is nothing worse imo.

Loads of people are struggling financially, in spite of doing a very good and important job.

You could have a lowly-paid but very hard-working carer wanting to come in for a meal with her family or friends to celebrate a very significant occasion - is she expected to pay extra from her NMW wages, in order to supplement the income of the waiting staff?

It is not your job to impress the restaurant!

Sometimes restaurants state they will add a service charge for large groups. This is non negotiable as it is not a tip, is clearly stated on the menu, and acceptance is assumed as soon as the order is placed.

Ok let’s assume you have to invite her (although I completely agree with those who say they wouldn’t)…

Many places add compulsory gratuities for large parties - and state quite clearly on the menu there is a compulsory service charge. In this case there is no optional tip to take off, it’s part of the price.

The tip is automatically put on the bill and because we are British too many are embarrassed to say anything, even if service is bad.

Waiting staff are paid minimum wage or more, along with bar and kitchen staff, and yes, if they do an outstanding job they may earn a tip… is it fair it is just for them or this tip shared with everyone else that made the evening excellent?

Do you tip the hairdresser, the cleaner, car valet, mechanic, etc EVERY time they do a service for you on top of the charge?

Working in a service industry in the UK myself I know the answer and I do not understand the old fashioned view of tipping for a one off waiting service that they are getting paid for. Suck up your embarrassment, understand other perspectives. Pay what you wish and let others do the same.

Now that waiting staff have hand-held devices there is no need for there to be any problem about splitting bills. Waiting staff can do this for you. Say to the waiter/waitress: "we're each paying separately, so please could you divide the bill by (however many people) and we'll pay each on our separate cards." This will put the onus on the "won't pay service charge" person to ask for their portion of the service charge to be removed from their equally divided portion of the bill, then they can pay accordingly.

I know it's quibbling over semantics - and I'm not getting at you personally at all - but it isn't a gratuity or a tip if it's part of the quoted cost for supplying the goods and services.

Gratuities/tips run on a goodwill basis - you can't give it a fluffy name in the hope that people will be super generous and then complain or pull them up on it if they choose not to be.

Either it's part of the agreed cost or it isn't. And if it isn't, it's out of order to call people mean, stingy, tightwads, unreasonable or similar if they don't randomly hand over an extra amount on top of what has been agreed. You can't keep your options open in the hope of cashing in bigtime, but then also reserve the right to cavil if you get less than you were hoping.

Before they say remove the gratuity, make sure everyone else is happy to keep it.

Subtract the gratuity from the total, split ten ways. Add the gratuity 9 ways. Let her pay the less one part. But make it clear in front of everyone.

Not everyone has to tip. But I would only refuse if poor service, if they’ve been really helpful and kind we always tip.

But she is paying for the service, it’s all costed into the completely visible price of the dish/dishes she chooses to order? 🤷🏻‍♀️