What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

You could go the other way and ask for it to be removed then at the end say
As Sis doesn’t agree with tips I’ve asked them to leave it off so remember to add one if you want.

If the service is good many will give more, if it bad they might get less. Depending on how public paying is there may be some who don’t include a tip because they are struggling a bit at the moment or secretly agree with Sis but don’t want to be called tight.

Practically how will it work - will each pay on a card or are you making sure people have cash to give you and you pay? If the second make sure you remind everyone.

I would pay the bill in full myself at the table and do the splitting later. No embarrassment in the restaurant then.

I think you’ve got two choices which are either a) tell her it’ll be a split bill including tip and if she’s coming she needs to pay or you understand if her principles mean she’d rather not come. Or, go and when the bill comes say “ok, I’ll pay the tip and we’ll split the rest”. If you do the latter, hopefully everyone will say they are happy to split including the tip but if not at least you will have tipped.

I prefer the former as the latter means you are essentially pussy footing around her on your birthday but they’re both options.

I don't understand why you'd be embarrassed by her having the added gratuity removed. It's a perfectly valid response to something snuck onto the amount in the hopes that people a)don't notice or b)are too embarrassed to ask to be removed 🤷‍♀️
I also don't understand why she should feel forced to pay for something she doesn't want to.
She can pay less the tip or ask for the bill without the gratuity added and then everyone can add their own tip.
I tip for good service but I don't want to be TOLD what to tip. Besides, unlike many states in the US, people are paid a wage and tips are a bonus not a necessity

I just don’t eat out with this kind of person. Meals out are a sensory treat, and I’m not spending money on indigestion.

The meal they did this would be my first and last. Also, why does this 1 person get to make the whole group feel awkward?

If you have to go out with them I’d just say to the server, “ can you take off the service charge and we’ll do it individually in cash”. To the annoying diner I’d say “We know you don’t want to tip, and that’s your choice, but the rest of us can speak for ourselves thanks”.

Is your family member… my mum?
What we tend to do if eating out with my mum is an apologetic mouthing of “sorry” at the waiter at the table then stay behind to hand a tip over personally when my mum leaves. It’s embarrassing but she’s one of these people who feels no shame

This is where you need to grow a spine I’m afraid.
you need to say beforehand “Doreen, we all know that your cheap and won’t pay for your service. So when the bill comes, you can ask to take the gratuity removed from your share, but don’t presume to do it on other people’s behalf, especially mine.”

”Doreen, we all know what your view is, you’ve explained it ad nauseum. No need to go on, I just disagree with you.”

What is selfish about choosing not to pay an optional tip?

Who else do you tip in life?

@Heritagehog Surely it depends on how you are going to pay the bill, doesn't it? If everybody is going to pay their own bill separately, she can ask for the service charge to be removed from her portion. If she asks in front of everyone for the service charge to be removed, can't you just say, "Not from everyone's bill, thanks, just from hers. The rest of us are happy to pay it." Or just tell her to pay for her part of the bill first and then the rest of you will split what's left.

What might be better, though, is if one person (not your sister) pays the bill and others pay them back. Agree this in advance, then you just go and take care of it before she can make a fuss about the service charge.

But I actually wouldn't hesitate to say to her in advance that you are embarrassed by her stinginess every time you go out for a meal, you don't want her to make a fuss about removing the service charge at the end of what is supposed to be a lovely family event for your parents, that you're happy to cover her share of the service charge if necessary, but if she says anything to the waiter or waitress about wanting the service charge removed you will be forced to say that the rest of you are absolutely happy to pay the service charge and she is the only skinflint in the family.

Or, plan to pay in a way that allows you to leave a cash tip, let her ask for the service charge to be removed, then smile sweetly at the waiter or waitress and say, "Yes, we prefer to leave a cash tip that reflects the level of service we received, if that's alright" and leave a cash tip of 20%.

The one thing you absolutely must not do is have everyone pay their share of the bill by card and her be the last person to pay. I've been caught out like that with a non tipper before, who watched me pay for my half of the bill plus a bit extra for a tip, and then said, "I'll pay the rest", effectively pocketing the tip.

If it's optional, the other members of the family should have the option to pay it.

She shouldn't be taking that decision on behalf of the whole group.

I wouldnt want to associate or socialise with a non tipper. It says so many things about their personality none of them good. Fortunately i have never actually met one.

Me neither, but difficult to avoid when it's a family member.

I think I'd ask them not to put the tip on the bill when I got there.
Then when the bill arrives say something like "oh, no tip on the bill, I think I'll leave an extra £5 as a tip from me"
Then everyone else can tip or not as they feel like

Are you a performative tipper, I bet you are.

Tipping isn't performative the way not tipping is.

Err no because that would be fucking weird.

Although I do it in restaurants with service I don't agree with tipping. There are many people in customer facing roles on minimum wage who don't get tipped on good service. Are you expected to pay the one man band hairdresser who has her own business? The person in the chip shop? The cashier in the supermarket?

I can see why people don’t pay it, waiting staff are paid the minimum wage ph here in the UK, like many other workers.
Since it went up again recently many of us aren’t on much more and never get anything extra.
I do however leave a tip for good service purely because I think being on your feet all day, dealing with potential tricky customers and all with a smile when I would just want to tell people to bog off should be appreciated.
If your friend says to remove it, you simply declare that you’re happy to pay it and then it’s down to each person.

Honestly don't get the tipping culture in the UK. As others have said they are already being paid to do their job others on the same wage don't get tips.
If you want to tip that's fine but equally if you don't want to that should also be fine. Why is it tight or mean?
Adding on a service charge that you then need to ask to be removed should be stopped.

In my experience it's not people on low incomes who refuse to tip.

Seriously if you are a none tipper you are embarrassing yourself whatever nonsense justifications you may have. And the majority are judging you even if they are too polite to say so. Hope your saving of that cash is worth it!

So this isn't a tip.

It's a service charge for the whole table with it being a larger group.

You know this upfront.

I'd do as PP said and make her aware. It's her choice to go or not go or to find a workable solution that is comfortable for her but without making it a debate in front of your parents.

The relative will ask for the tip to be removed from the whole big which is taking the choice away from the rest of the group. (Not to mention, mortifying and tight)

Unfortunately I don't think they are embarrassing themselves, they are embarrassing the people they are with.

*bill