What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

The thing that's good about gratuity is it means you dont need to think about the tip and the amount must be paid in a TRONC scheme so you know the staff it

Id maybe split the bill as though there was no gratuity and then add the gratuity on to my share and pay it myself

As I said previously, as long as service has been good I always tip. Never really thought about it before, but I earn NMW in a shop. I can easily spend 15 minutes with a customer, helping them out (and they definitely aren't all lovely!!), but no one would ever consider tipping me. What is the reasoning behind tipping waiting staff but not other people on NMW who provide a service?

Don't be daft.
Each person who is paying their bill, still has the opportunity to add on whatever they want to.

Removing the compulsion to pay extra 10%, in no way stops anyone who wants to give an extra 10% (or 15 or 20%) if that is what they want to do.

This if he/she doesn't want to pay the service charge for an excellent meal don't invite them or shame them by offering to pay their share yourself. Alternatively tell them in advance that the service is part of the bill and not to embarrass the group by asking it to be removed.
I hate mean fuckers.

You are not responsible for her actions, her behaviour, or her dialogue with restaurant staff. I would not pay her tip, or make excuses to restaurant staff, whatever she says is hers to own, and it’s her choice on whether to tip.
This is not America, staff get paid minimum wage or more, tipping is personal choice.
People don’t tip the cleaner, or the check-out person at Sainsbury’s, or the flight attendant on a plane, the counsellor, the doctor, the dentist… the list could go on.

Tell her not to embarass/ruin your parents celebration, if she doesn't want to pay stay at home.

I agree with this

Agree

Indeed!

I don’t think it would be the end of the world if she asked for her share of the service charge (£8 or whatever) to be removed.
Try not to worry about it.

I’d split the bill with the tip between everyone but her and then ask for a separate bill for her as she refuses to pay the gratuity. Job done!

People calling the Op to purposely embarrass her sister and make a huge fuss are being ridiculous. You honestly think that is going to make things okay? You might think it’s tight or feel social pressure to tip but many people don’t. Shaming the non tipper is only going to lead to a fall out and ruin the meal. It’s not a big deal at all. Everyone pay for what they have, then those who want to leave a tip can. Hardly rocket science. A lot of fuss about nothing.

If the evening ends on a sour note because of her stinginess, that’s not on you.

Yes but you don't, as one person, unilaterally ask for the service charge to be removed when the other members of your group would rather you didn't.

Because then you're putting them in the awkward position of either looking as mean as you do, or having to explain that they don't share your views.

One thing's for sure, which is that at your mum's special birthday dinner, the principle of not spoiling a nice evening for the rest of your family should be more important than the principle of not tipping low paid service staff.

Oh god these people are a nightmare aren't they? Years ago,I was friends with a woman who point blank refused to tip, even if the service and food was excellent. One incident sticks in my mind. She'd had a meal that came to £19.99. She put a £20 note on the table and table and said 'Don't forget my change'. I thought she was joking.

And? It doesn’t affect your life one bit. She probably thinks you’re a sheep. Who cares, move on.

But do you tip everybody who serves you who is almost certainly on NMW?

If you do, that's great for you; but if you don't, what first gave you the idea to start tipping waiters and waitresses in restaurants? Did you carefully consider the situation and come to the conclusion that you think that waiting staff should be paid more than most other people on NMW, or did it originate because somebody once told you that you 'must' pay extra for a meal, and maybe tried to shame you as 'stingy' or 'mean' if you questioned it?

Call the restaurant in advance. Say 9 people will have one bill and split it (please include gratuity), one person will have her own bill (please remove gratuity). Make her known to the restaurant when you arrive (Valerie is separate bill (point) please)

Can you leave the tip in cash?
if so ask them to not include the gratuity in the bill, split it between all who can pay. Then you can say I’ll cover the tip and pay10% total in cash. Or how does everyone want to tip and everyone who wants can chip in. She doesn’t and if she complains say well you don’t if you don’t want to but I do and I am.

talk to her beforehand about tipping. If she disagrees, respect her choice and enjoy the meal without focussing on what you think is right or wrong.

I agree.. and I work in hospitality. I obviously tip in the US as they aren't guaranteed minimum wage like we are, but find the whole thing so unnecessarily complicated!

I mean there's nothing wrong with wanting change, but that's just rude to assume the person needed or wanted to keep her 1p 🙄

At risk of de-railing my own thread, I just want to pick up on this comment because I find the accusation of being a ‘sheep’ such a lazy and meaningless thing to say and it really gets my goat (pun intended!).

Did you get dressed this morning? So did everyone else, you sheep!

Did you cook a Sunday roast today? I bet you ate it off a plate and ate it with cutlery too. Such a sheep.

Bob’s family want him to stick to the speed limit and wear a seatbelt on the motorway, but Bob’s no sheep…

Calling people sheep is an ‘insult’ that can be applied to any social convention and so becomes meaningless. Deciding to ignore the norm and be ‘different’ doesn’t necessarily make a person any better or any cleverer. If you have a point to share, make the actual case for it, going for the ‘sheep’ line just makes people seem a bit dim I’m afraid.

Just ignore them op some posters are just absolute idiot contrarians.

Well you’ve completely contradicted your originally post haven’t you, asking for suggestions at what you can do. Which I suggested that everyone pays for what they have and then whoever wants to add a tip can.

I think people dressing up each day has more to do with the fact if they went out in public with no clothes on they’ll be arrested for indecent exposure. So not sure how that is relevant at all.

All your examples of what people do for example get ready- you’ll get arrested otherwise and probably be cold.
eats - need it to live
wear a seat belt- for safety

They are not great examples for being a sheep, of course people need to eat, they would die otherwise and wearing a seat belt is proving to reduce your chance of dying in a car crash. These are not social norms. Quite ridiculous to suggest otherwise. My point which I said in other posts is that continuing an American tradition just for a moral principle when the person tipping really has no idea why they are doing it is just a bit stupid. If you’re going to tip someone on min wage then why aren’t you doing that with everyone on min wage? So yes people that tip only waiters and not everyone on min wage are sheep.