To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

[WhatABigYikes]

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

I would give £300.
It covers your stay each (children are usually free) and £50 for a gift.

Certainly in my family we wouldn't give such a large amount for someone who wasn't direct family (sibling, parent).

I think £50 is very reasonable. But you will know what your family expects more than I would :)

That seems more than generous to me. I honestly don't think it is needed though.

That is an insanely large amount.

Wedding gifts are not based on how much the couple are paying for their wedding. That's an incredibly crass and unpleasant way to decide how much you are giving as a gift. You don't have to change how much your gift is because you are no longer going.

£100 would still be more than generous.

I honestly have no idea but I feel like I've seen this on MN and how people proceed if they are pulling out of something last minute.

I would say it is totally unreasonable as it is way too much. Even in Irish terms we are generous with wedding gifts. But that is way off for a cousin. If I was going to the wedding of a cousin I wasn’t close to I would have gave £350 for a couple. Surely they won’t have to pay if you cancelled early.

I don’t think OP means paying for 2 year old at the hotel, more likely the reception, which could well charge for a 2 year old. There was a post here recently where children were charged at £80 😳no wonder people have child free weddings!
Seems pretty generous but if you’re comfortable with that , go for it

We didn't have to pay for any guests who cancelled with a week's notice or more. If you couldn't come, if anything I would expect a smaller wedding gift, not bigger!

£500 for someone you aren't close to, and a wedding you aren't going to is really high.

Most people will 'cover their plate' - i.e. food costs, not throw in some more the venue/flowers/clothes and not more for a gift either.

And if the mum was passing on the cost to hint at gift amounts, rather than just having a natter with a friend, that's very rude.

In your situation either no gift or £50 would be fine.

YABU as this is excessive.

At my wedding this relative's parents gave me £500. And so I suppose I feel like I have to match that a bit... But I guess the relative didn't give me anything themselves (this wasn't very long ago so the relative was also an adult, working etc etc)

That’s nuts.

They’ve probably got someone else who can fill your place. I would give £50 or £100 if they’re a close relative.

£500 ?!?!?!?

A wedding gift isn't "covering your plate". I hate that idea from MN. You are a guest, you shouldn't be considering how much you've cost them

£50 would be plenty tbh

I know this might be to obvious to suggest but can you not change the medical appointment? My DD has a chronic life long condition I am often changing appts. Changing an appt to go to a relatives wedding should be understandable to the hospital even if it’s urgent. I agree £500 too much & for most weddings you can change numbers up to a few days before (when the venue orders the good)

That’s too much unless close family.

Chances are they have already got someone to fill your empty seats. I also hate this trend of a gift needs to cover the cost of the plate.
Send an actual gift e.g. a nice vase with a subscription for letterbox flowers every month for a year. Or a cafetiere with different coffees (my aunty got this for me and while the coffee is long gone, I still use the cafetiere and think of her and my uncle, neither of whom are still with us).

That’s an insane amount of money to give, especially if they didn’t give you anything?

Good lord, that's a ridiculously large amount! Are you loaded?

Not what you asked but could you go and your partner (presuming you have one) stay home to take the child to their appointment? I agree £500 seems WAY too much. £100 would be plenty.

Wayyy too much in my opinion. I would say £50 is absolutely fine 🙂

Crazy. I was chuffed if people gave us £50!!! Didn’t work out anything ‘per plate’ we invited our guests because they are family or friends not to cover their cost… I know some cultures view this differently

I don't think people really do this unless they are well off.

You could contact the bride and say do they want you to put something towards the meal if you want but don't give £500 as a wedding gift out of guilt,

As an aside guests pulled out of my Dds wedding a couple of weeks before the venue reimbursed the money I know everywhere won't but it might not be as bad as you think.

Give £200 if you want to push the boat out.

I'd bet they definitely have to pay for your child.

I'm with PP, just change the appointment to a few days later?

I wouldn't give anything under £50 for a wedding even with travel. I think money is the way to go vs a gift.

If its very close to the wedding now I'd feel bad and want to cover our places 3 x £125 at least. However I couldn't afford that so it's a bit mute! What can you afford?

My understanding is that the wedding couple are willing to pay for your hotel - that's more than generous of them IMO.

In my family - rather large Irish origins talking 7 children, over 20 cousins then there are cousin's partners, children, grandchildren, partners of grandchildren, great grandchildren etc - amounts to well over 100 people. Would cost a fortune to pay for accommodation for their guests.

Your DC's appointment is more important. If you cancel it could take a long time before you get another appointment, not the mention the stress on you while you're waiting. I'm sure that if you explain the situation that the wedding couple will understand. I would suggest that you offer to cover the cost of your stay & give them £50 (which I think very generous) or buy something from their wedding list.

I wouldn't feel guilty about this as your DC is obviously your first priority & am sure they understand this.

I hope that your daughter's appointment goes well. God bless you all. 😘

Did you not try re-arranging the medical appointment first?

I'd send £50. £500 is ridiculous, unless you're wealthy!