To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

[WhatABigYikes]

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

I’m recently married and no one gave us more than £100 in cash, even close family. £500 is wayyy too much.

Ah, in that case then, yes, I’d give the £500. In DH culture we gift match; the period after our wedding was all about attending other relatives’ weddings and ensuring we spend the same amount on them as they did on us. One of DH aunts spent a huge amount on us; when her son married we had to match that amount. My MIL dug out her copy of the gift list and would tell us how much to pay! Thankfully wedding period is over now.

Love these gift ideas!

I think you should try and "compensate" so £300-£400.
A couple of years ago, fairly close friends of our family pulled out of daughter's wedding the day before, saying one of their teenage children was ill. No chance of cancelling their places (4 of them - at about £100/head) at that stage.
It was made even worse when one of them posted pictures on SM of the day out they had all had instead! I am still angry!
I know this is a totally different scenario, and you need to keep your child's appt, but it will still feel a bit of a let down for the couple, even though they will understand

I think that’s a huge amount! £100 is more than generous and £50 is more what most people would be able to afford.

You said the relatives parents gave you £500 when you got married, the relative didn’t give anything themself. Assuming your parents are still around, they’ll attend the wedding and gift an amount right? Therefore that would make up for what the relatives parents gave you, and so you can give £200. As your not that close to them, I wouldn’t part with £500.

I gave my best friend £25. It's all relative. I was on universal credit and had lost my job due to the company going under. £500 seems a crazy high amount.

Given that their parents gave you £500, you do have to match. Ignore the comments saying £50 is enough 😂
We do this culturally and it’s so annoying, no one ever ‘make money’ instead it remains the amount being passed back and forth 😆

@WhatABigYikes

I would certainly ring the clinic concerned in the morning to ask about re-scheduling.

If the appointment is at the end of June, that would give them time to offer the appointment to someone else, surely.

It would be a pity if you cancelled the whole thing when there was another appointment available in early July.

Your gift is not to pay for your room. I would give £50-100. Probably spend the top end of that if I was buying a gift but lower end if just cash.

It’s not last minute.

let them know you can’t come, and offer to cover any charges that result from you dropping out. I would suspect they can still change final numbers but it will depend on venue etc.

but definitely just speak to them, I wish the table full of dickheads that didn’t show up at my wedding had let me know before-hand because I could have changed the number up to 2 weeks before

I was about to say that’s way too much but on closer reading I realised you want to cover the costs of you pulling out which is very nice of you but I’m not sure if it would be expected by the couple. I imagine they’ll have paid it already and probably won’t be thinking ‘oh we are £300 out of pocket because x didn’t come’. £125 per person also seems awfully steep when you think that’s for what? A meal (albeit a very nice one), possibly a welcome drink and some entrees? Are you sure this is accurate information from the person who shared this? They may have just taken the total cost of the venue and divided it by the number of guests which isn’t going to give an accurate costing since there will be other costs that aren’t ’per head’. A couple choose to get married and ‘invite’ guests so it’s not on guests to worry about how much they are costing the couple!
By all means pay it if you want to, but I wouldn’t pay for a two year old. So £250 should do it
Me personally I don’t think it would cross my mind to pay ‘for’ us, so it would be £100 max. But maybe you are nicer than me….

I’d be giving £30 and I still wouldn’t be happy 🤣 why do people need money for their wedding presents?! If they need money, don’t have a wedding with guests 🤷🏽‍♀️

I can't get my head round the total do- lally antics around weddings.
If people want to spend an absolute obscene amount on the wedding food they give me that's fine but i feel under no obligation to reflect that in the gift i give them.
I didn't expect ,want or need gifts ,most couples have a home together before the wedding ,£500 !!!! far to much.

We asians keep an account of what is given and it is obligatory to match the gift. IF OP is asian, 500 quid is just right. If she isnt, I'd go with half that amount.

I usually give £50 max £100 so that more than generous

If any of you were invited to say, a colleague's wedding in countries like Singapore or HK, it is considered very declasse to give less than the per head cost of the venue/reception. That is the absolute minimum, people often give more based on the closeness of the relationship.

I would give what you would give if you were attending. They are not loosing out. They would be paying the same whether you attended or not so imo, you have no obligation to repay them for you not attending.

£500 IS about right for the circs you describe.

If you aren't attending with notice £300 would be fine too.

If you would.like to go i strongly suggest phoning the hospital admin team - explaining the situation and asking about cancellations or if anyone is looking for a swap OR if its possible to open up any new slots.

Change the medical appointment. ‘Sorry, we’ll be 200 miles away that day’ is perfectly acceptable.

I mean it’s been a fair while since I’ve been to a wedding, but I would say £100-£200 is normal, £200-£300 is generous, and £500 is insane, to the point of being insane. I mean, obviously not at Jeff Bezo’s wedding, but for normal ones.

I would say to them that you feel really guilty dropping out last minute but hope they understand as it’s for a hospital appointment. Say you hate the thought of them losing out financially and to let you know if they can’t fill the space/ cancel your meal so you can reimburse them. I expect they will be able to upgrade and evening guest or amend the total with the venue. Then just send a card with a normal gift amount.

If they didn't give you a wedding gift at all, I would give them no more than £150 tops. And only because you said in your culture it's normal to give £100+ at weddings. Giving £500 would be way too much IMO.

(Will your parents be attending and/or giving them a gift?)

Ahh, in that case gifting £500 is reasonable.