To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

[WhatABigYikes]

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

I don't understand the concept of evening guests anyway 😂

Either you invite people or you don't.

I still think it's rude

Ok so we need to agree to disagree, evening guests are very normal. We had a very small ceremony partly due to logistical reasons so most of our friends were evening guests.

Me too, and bumping people up when you have a space! It must have been tricky to phrase that well.

i didn’t say they had to. Was just sharing that they could.

I would give what I could afford and what felt right to me. I attended loads of weddings in my 20s when I was on the bones of my arse poor. I gave what I could afford. If I had been told the rule was to cover the cost of attendance + £50 on top I would have had to politely (and with great sadness, as I loved dearly all those whose weddings I attended) declined.

I would give more these days as I am now comfortably off but if I wasn't then I wouldn't!

I've been married nearly 25 years and guests at our wedding gave a range of: nothing (mostly single blokes who gifts had not crossed their mind); bottle of champagne or brandy; cash gifts and vouchers ranging from £10 (neighbour invited last minute as we suddenly had an extra space) and £3000 (PIL); and items from our list ranging from tea towels to a full dinner set. All appreciated and thanked. Cash to offset the cost of the event was not a factor, we had already budgeted for that. I would have been so sad if anyone had declined because they couldn't afford a gift. Everyone was welcome regardless.

I’m from a culture that give quite large amounts for weddings and yes we do “cover ourselves” (no, we don’t publish how much we spend per person but you can usually make an educated guess). I doubt the couple would be charged for the two year old and with two weeks notice they shouldn’t even be charged for you so I would send £200/250.

So you'd give less well off couples a less generous gift, because they can't afford an expensive venue and catering?

Not at all, if I was close enough to know they are struggling then I’d cover myself and give a larger gift amount. So if covering myself only cost £100 for my family I would give them say £400.

So you'd make an educated guess in order to "cover yourselves", but not in every case? I don't understand.
Why not give the same gift and drop the "covering" yourselves? Seems unfair.

Id change the appointment. I work shifts and have to regularly change appointments that are sent out. Its never a problem

£500 for a wedding gift is unnecessary

That is wayyyy too much in my opinion.
If you're cancelling weeks in advance, they won't have to cover your food.

Ok, let me try and make it clearer.
I will always make an educated guess to cover myself but then add a gift on top, for some couples that gift on top will be £50 for others it’ll be £300.
Do you mean I should gift the same no matter who is getting married? Do you always spend the same amount on everyone’s birthday?
I don’t believe that at all. My close friends received more from me than someone who I work with for example. There are loads of variables.

No that's not the point. This thread is about wedding gifts. I do not, nor have I ever, checked up on caterers and venues to "cover my plate".
I give a gift according to how close we are.
Oh, and I certainly wouldn't give less of a gift for someone who could only afford a modest buffet because it would be cheaper to "cover". .

Your comprehension skills are severely lacking. I said in my post that I wouldn’t give less either.
I've never called caterers either but I still have an idea of costs.

There's no need to get personal - no need.
I won't do that back to you.
All I'm going to say is that you were making an "educated guess" about the cost of the cover.
I am saying that I give gifts according to how close I am, and don't care how much they've spent on the meal.
I am too polite to comment on your comprehension abilities.

I’ve got personal because you’ve taken my comment and twisted it. You also don’t seem to believe I could make an educated guess on the cost; I’ve been to lots of weddings and have had one so I’m not sure why it’s so shocking.
I also give gifts based on how close I am, while making sure I cover myself. I’m allowed to do things differently to you.

I twisted nothing. It's fine if you take into account the cost to the couple. You can take into account the phase of the moon if you like. In my opinion we can simply agree to disagree. I think that's ok.
I would never get so personal as to question another's comprehension skills.
So I suggest we leave it at that.

I think that insinuating I would give someone close to me less money because they had a smaller wedding/ were not as well off as other is much more offensive than me questioning your comprehension skills. I’ve given my opinion on the matter so I’ll leave it there now.

Me too.

Just wanted to address a few points:

• we are paying for our own hotel room not the couple. We were planning on going the night before because the journey was too long for DC and she'd just be cranky throughout the service if we did it on the day

• in my culture (Indian) it's a blanket £100 attending the wedding of anyone, more if it's a close relative. An uncle very kindly gave me £1500 at mine. £500 is a very big amount for us and I was only considering it because it's a close relative.

• the appointment can't be rearranged as it is a really important one and we need to get to the bottom of a problem DC is experiencing

I’d give £100 tops if i wasn’t even going to the wedding, I doubt they will have given final numbers to the venue yet so won’t end up having to pay for you

Yes but it is the norm in the US not a mumsnet thing

I would agree that this amount is entirely reasonable. £500 is just bonkers (unless you’re wealthy)!

Are u able to change the appointment? I've done this many times. Just call the number on the letter and ask if they can change it for another day.