To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

[WhatABigYikes]

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

Yes, those were my thoughts. It's so wrong, isn't it?

Yes it's what my American relatives explained one time when I was working out what to get them and wondered why all the gifts on the guest list cost what they did.

I went to TK Max and bought something on their list bit for far less!

Another thing puzzling me about this "cover your plate" stuff. Do the bride and groom tell you how much it cost per person? Is it on the invitation?

Well I did that

What I meant by "such notice" is that there is some notice. And what I did (and know other people have done in the past) is asked someone who was invited to the evening if they would like to come to the full day instead - phrased the right way it doesn't come across rude at all. I think I said so and so has had an accident so can't make it anymore, we'd love if you could now make it to the full day

they don’t normally need to give final numbers to the week before. Maybe tell them now do they can reduce the number

It's not last minute, they have a couple of weeks to fill your places or get the venue not to charge for them.

I'd say £250 was enough.

That's loads! We got married a couple of months ago, and the most common amount we got from people was £100. The only people who gave us more than this were an aunt and uncle on each side.

Exactly I frequently have no idea prior to arriving at a wedding if it's a buffet catered by a family friend for ingredients costs at £10 per head or a 5 course gourmet meal for 20 times that.

My Dad was sales negotiator by trade, thanks to him I paid way less than list price for mine so anyone googling the venue would have been way off in their estimate, even if they correctly guessed which 'package' we were having.

£50 is the amount everyone was giving back when our friends were all getting married en masse. 20 years ago. When the average house price was £114k and petrol was 87p/litre. £50 is tight AF in 2025.

I think £100 feels acceptable, £250 incredibly generous, £500 deranged.

how do you know how much it’s costing per head?

How much a fully grown working adult's parents gave you is irrelevant

No, 20 years ago in England, giving gifts was still the tradition. Giving money has been a fairly recent thing.
People used to have wedding lists, with gifts to suit every budget. Nowadays, because couples aren't starting out on a new life, gifts are less welcome, so money is the alternative. I don't think £50 is as "tight AF".

I know. I went to so many weddings 20 years ago, like I said. Some had wedding lists, where the going rate for gifts was £50. One friend asked in lieu for contributions for the builders on their extension, where the going rate was £50. One asked in lieu for contributions to their honeymoon, where the going rate was £50. £50 in 2025 has a fraction of the purchase power it did 20 years ago, and is tight AF.

Well, all I can say is that experiences vary.
I personally think £500 is ludicrous unless you're the Beckhams.

This. I got married 20-odd years ago, no-one gave us money, it was all gifts.

Plus yes, everything is more expensive now than it was then, but unfortunately this means most people have less spare money to give away.

My DH said it to me when we were debating how much to give for a wedding present and he's never set foot on Mumsnet.

😂 I’ve heard this before too.

”I don’t like/agree with/haven’t heard about what PP said…ergo, it must be American.”

Have you spoke to the bride and groom and told them the situation, they may say they can fill your space with a friend or someone

Id go £100

I would give a cousin £500 for a wedding gift so I don't think this is outside the realms of normally but it obviously depends what is normal in your culture and family. I don't think you have to give extra as you're not going. They may also not have to pay if the wedding is a couple of weeks away but even if they do it sounds like it can't be helped.

£50 is not ' tight as f**k '
The question around how much money to give for wedding gift has been asked a million times on here. You give what YOU want to give and can afford to give. Other peoples opinions are irrelevant.
£500 is a bonkers amount though!!

Genuine question then, do people go into debt to give a wedding gift?
Deplete their savings?

You can change the date/time of hospital appointments. I have a lot and often have to do it. It is usually within a week or two of the original date. I know you didn’t used to be able to years ago, but you definitely can now.

No, I don’t go into debt by buying wedding gifts. I have a line item for gifts in my monthly budget, and if I have no birthday/wedding/Christmas gifts to buy that month, it rolls over into the next month (a “sinking fund”).

Maybe they don't want to. My child has a long awaited appointment coming up in the next 2 weeks. This appointment is the final one before surgery. It has taken 5 years from seeing this consultant to get to this point. The condition that the surgery is for has been affecting their life for over 10 years. Surgery was cancelled 3 times during covid. It has taken 4 years since the first cancellation for the surgeons list to be caught up. Nothing would stop us being at this appointment.