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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

141 replies

WhatABigYikes · 14/06/2025 12:53

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

OP posts:
Devianinc · 16/06/2025 00:51

WhatABigYikes · 14/06/2025 12:53

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

If you rsvpd that you were coming and then bowed after the count was tallied for the wedding then you should send 300. If not, you have much more pressing situation on your hands and if you didn’t rsvp yes then 200 is enough.

Washingupdone · 16/06/2025 07:13

I think £500 is reasonable if that’s what they gave you. I don’t understand people giving £50 as there isn’t much they could buy that wouldn’t be tat.

GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen · 16/06/2025 07:28

Washingupdone · 16/06/2025 07:13

I think £500 is reasonable if that’s what they gave you. I don’t understand people giving £50 as there isn’t much they could buy that wouldn’t be tat.

In the days when people gave wedding presents it was absolutely perfectly acceptable to give a kettle, a toaster, a towel bale, a set of bedding etc i.e. the sort of thing that would currently cost about 50 pounds. If you give money the couple can put all of the money together to buy a big ticket item or two. If cousin Sam who just finished uni 3 weeks ago gives you 20 quid you don't have to buy something for 20 quid you put it with all the other money and use it for honeymoon spending money or to decorate or to buy a new sofa.

Oh and the couple gave OP nothing it was the parents of half of the couple that gave 500 so surely the reciprocal arrangement would be for the OP to give nothing while her parents give 500.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/06/2025 07:28

I think they've been entitled enough to book a midweek wedding.

£250.00, and if their parents gave you £500 presumably your parents are giving them £500.

I think if your families are rich enough to have weddings like these, you would have enough to have the child seen privately and could move the appointment.

Caligirl80 · 16/06/2025 07:59

Seems more than enough. Too much even.

petmad · 16/06/2025 08:52

For people youre not close too £300.00 is a bit much £150.00 will be adequate if they moan anc complain about it dont send anything.

Bikergran · 16/06/2025 09:04

WhatABigYikes · 14/06/2025 12:57

I honestly have no idea but I feel like I've seen this on MN and how people proceed if they are pulling out of something last minute.

Show quote history

It's not last moment, with a few weeks' notice, the venue should be able to adjust numbers. I assume you told the couple immediately you knew you couldn't attend? £500 seems a huge amount to me, but I have no idea of your and their income\social standing, so perhaps that's standard for you.

DarkwingDuk · 16/06/2025 14:19

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 14/06/2025 12:55

I would give £300.
It covers your stay each (children are usually free) and £50 for a gift.

Certainly in my family we wouldn't give such a large amount for someone who wasn't direct family (sibling, parent).

I think £50 is very reasonable. But you will know what your family expects more than I would :)

Children are not free at weddings - in some places they are half price, in others they are the same price as adults.

Not one person I know who has had a wedding in the last 5 years got to add children for free - a lot of people had child free weddings because the addition of children is just too costly.

enidblythe · 16/06/2025 14:22

500 is way too much.
300 is perfect.

lilkitten · 16/06/2025 17:03

I wouldn't give that much. At my wedding one couple dropped out with advance warning, we upped a couple of evening guests to the daytime. I didn't get or expect a gift from the couple who couldn't make it.
But the people who didn't show up on the day and didn't tell us they weren't coming...I kind of would have liked something to make up for the wasted money when I could have cancelled their space

Welshmonster · 16/06/2025 21:28

Tell them asap as they may be able to fill your space.

can you actually afford £500? Don’t put yourself in hardship

Reallyneedsaholiday · 18/06/2025 10:58

I think I’d just send the same gift you would have, if you had attended, and offer to cover the costs incurred by your absence.

Rinkali · 18/06/2025 15:09

This is one of those social moments where cultural expectations can vary so wildly, it probably needs to be clarified in the OP. If a cousin had given me (northern, rural) £500 for a wedding gift, there’d have been rumours of a lottery win/suggestions of mental health crisis going round before the speeches.

Londonrach1 · 18/06/2025 15:15

That's an Awful lot especially as you are not attending now. The bride and groom which expect less of a gift if you not there rather than more. Sadly I have to budget so I only been able to give £50 and I always buy something I use in the kitchen daily that costs less than £3 as something to unwrap. I always got nice thank yous and everyone said the cheap gift I use daily they never knew about and now use it daily too.

FragrantJasmine · 18/06/2025 15:17

Seems a tad over the top. Weddings should not be transactional.

irregularegular · 18/06/2025 15:18

Sounds far too much to me, unless you are very well off. I don't think you should think of your present as covering the cost of your dinner. I think it should be based on how well you know them. Unless you are close family or very close friends (which you suggest you aren't) then I wouldn't give more than £100.

They choose how much to spend on their wedding reception. You choose how much to spend on a gift. The two are not related. In fact, if anything, they may be inversely related ie I might give more to a couple that I know are not well of and therefore may be having a simple and inexpensive wedding.

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