To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

[WhatABigYikes]

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

I think the OP is paying for the hotel (or not if she is in time to cancel) not the couple. The cost to the couple is for the meal etc.

I've always thought the 'cover your cost to the couple' as a gift idea strange. I've never had any idea how much people are spending on their wedding.

I don't think anyone would expect you to match it at all. Aunties and uncles being generous to their nieces and nephews doesn't need to be paid forward between cousins. Your parents may well have been similarly generous when their nieces and nephews get married.

I think the amount of a wedding gift is something that can have cultural expectations/the norm.

OP, if you are either Irish or Greek (I'm one of them...) then the gift will be generous. I think if it were me I'd give 100 for each of the two of you and 50 for the child. That's meeting your suggested gift amount half way and is generous without being OTT especially as you are not attending. Don't give any thought to covering your plate or any of that nonsense.

No offence to others on the thread, but UK wedding gifts are just not as generous as others, and that's fine as it's the norm for UK weddings generally. No wonder some of the posters are gasping in horror at the amounts you suggested!

If it happens to be a UK wedding then 100 between you sounds Ok to me.

Wedding gifts are not based on how much the couple are paying for their wedding

THIS!

I think £100 is very generous usually - but pulling out last minute is very rude (at least one of the adults could still go?)
so a gift the same value you would give if you were attending is fair.

You can give £500 if you want, but I don't believe anyone expects that or anyone else will give that much, it's a HUGE amount.

Maybe I’m getting old but I just cannot get on board with the idea of ‘covering your plate’ with a wedding gift. It’s the couple’s choice to marry, and to host a social event of a size and expense they’ve decided themselves. It already costs guests a fortune to attend, especially if they choose a weekday date that’s cheaper for them. Any gift is supposed to help the newly weds set up home, not underwrite a party they’ve decided to throw.

It’s a while since I’ve been to a wedding, being in that ‘parents’ funerals, but not yet children’s weddings’ zone, but I’d give them something nice off the list or £150, absolute tops.

I don’t think you need to cover the cost. The money has gone whether you are there or not. It’s possibly just more free wine for everyone.

You haven’t just decided not to bother going.

There’s a chance they can fill your spots.

You just need to send whatever gift you would give normally.

I think £500 is an overly generous amount to gift. I’m sure the couple would be thrilled to receive it but it’s not necessary. As a wedding gift, I gave my best friend £100 plus €100 to spend on their honeymoon.

I think it depends how wealthy you are but I couldnt afford that much. £100 would be my gift.

My DB and I used to give £50 as a present……..in the 1980s

I think that's an absurd amount - with such notice I'd think other people would be able to take your place so there's no loss.

I'd just give the amount you'd have given if you'd attended.

For context, I had someone say they couldn't make it the morning of our wedding and I had someone else take their place without fuss.

That is a completely insane amount. If you feel really bad then £200, but even that is OTT in my opinion. I know it's a bit different because you are worried about the impact of pulling out, but wedding gifts aren't based on how much the wedding costs. Whoever discussed how much each person's attendance costs is rude and crass, as is anyone who expects to cover the money spent on hosting guests from receiving cash gifts. Those are not what the words "gift" and "guest" mean.

Well your parents can give this relative £500 for their wedding if they want to.

And you can match the relative's energy by giving £0.

My DB and I used to give £50 as a present……..in the 1980s

Urgh, I can't bear this sort of snobbery. I got married fairly recently and £50 for a gift was about the average. Bit more from immediate family.

It wasn’t snobbery. It was the norm here in rural Scotland.

Change the appointment, go and put £50 in the card like a normal person

£500! Seriously? That's a massive amount. I was going to suggest £50!
What's all this covering costs nonsense? The bride and groom have invited you as guests, the cost of the wedding is their choice, I'm sure they won't send an invoice!

This ⬆️

There's no "such notice", it's in a couple of weeks?

You have to be very close to someone to invite them at the very last minute without being embarrassingly rude and obvious that you are just filling the spot.

If you are that close, they'll be on your guests list anyway.

You can't invite people with 2 weeks notice? Who does that?

wedding gifts aren't based on how much the wedding costs
Absolutely this!

Mother of the couple should have kept her fucking mouth shut, there was no need for her to shit stir like that.

If it's a hospital medical appointment then I wouldn't rearrange because you don't know how long you have to wait for the next one. If it's at the GP then I probably would but it depends on the reason for the appointment. So if it's for regular childhood jabs then I'd rearrange but not if it was for a referral apt.

I wouldn't give more than £200.

I would speak to the actual relative and ask whether dropping out has incurred a charge. If you then want to reimburse them this amount say you will do so. Then work out what gift you would actually give anyway. You don't need to give what their parents gave you BTW.

You sound lovely. Many would drop out without even thinking to cover lost outlay.

No, nor me. Plus it seems a bit unfair. If you're not well off and have a modest wedding, people give you less than if you're rich and can push the boat out?

Gifts covering what your "plate" costs is a very American concept that doesn't really happen here.

Its trotted out on here every time there is a wedding gift thread.

Cover your plate? Give your rich friends more than your poorer ones? Give the ones who want to spend a fortune on their wedding more than those who chose a simple celebration?

Seriously?