Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

I say this gently but however welcoming the ex's family have been to your kids, they are not biologically related and it would be odd/unusual to continue your holiday plans with them. It doesn't sound like they saw each other regularly and formed closer bonds, they might have formed an attachment. If they were his kids then that's a different matter, they might still want to facilitate a holiday, incl you, to see the kids.
I still see my ex-inlaw's fairly regularly but that's only because they want to see their DGS.

And it's on him and you to manage this situation as far as your children are concerned, but it's not on his extended family.

I can quite understand why you are not invited to the usual family gathering this year, or maybe for the next couple of years.

But let the dust settle. Respond to the family member and say you are also sad that this chapter has come to an end, but you would like to keep in touch as your DC enjoyed meeting up with their DC and maybe in the future they might be able to get together again at some point.

Something light-hearted and vague.

Once everything is sorted, if DH is continuing to be in their lives, then he might take them another time. But now is not that time.

If the kids were his, I’d expect him to still take them away, but not you.
The children aren’t his, you’re on your own!
Im shocked you’re shocked to be honest!

3-4 weeks in USA every year with your own house is a lot. For many is a lifetime holiday. You were very lucky you got to benefit from it, however, this no longer applies as you are divorcing and your husband and his family have no obligation to host you any longer. You were lucky you got this but your holiday to his family were not and should not have been seen as entitlement. Also, don't use your kids as pawns and to manipulate, not going to his family with them does not mean he discarded them. Your OP was all about the holiday not the kids, you throw the kids in the mix when you read the answers you got. I think you are pissed off you missed up on your holiday, and you are giving me CF vibes. Explain to your kids plans have changed, or pay for a holiday yourself.

I see. This is a loss and it hurts. But it isn’t surprising, no. They valued and liked you and your children as in-laws aka as the woman their son (brother etc.) married. That bond is dissolved with your divorce, which unfortunately affects your DC as well.

In other words: You are not unreasonable to be hurt. But they are not unreasonable either. This is a loss you and your DC unfortunately have to deal with.

And I am saying this as somebody who grew up in a patchwork family. It broke my heart to see my little (half) sister lose the love and care she knew from the man she called “father” when he decided to leave our mother.

but that is what tends to happen unless stepchildren are officially recognised (aka adopted). It sucks but that is the risk of patchwork and encouraging children to consider stepparents to be their parents.

My father’s ex-DP (and mother of my half-brothers) tried to stay in contact with me after their split. I did appreciate the fact that she didn’t just discard me. But I never considered her to be my mother or a mother-figure so it felt a bit awkward when she tried to do family Christmas etc when I had only ever seen her as the partner of my father and mother of my DhalfB and not as somebody I was related to…. It’s quite possible that some of your stb ex-DH’s family members feel quite similarly.

When you divorce you need to accept you are no longer part of his family. This is hurtful but that's the way it is in a lot of cases.

You are divorcing, the kids aren't related to them, as expected they are cutting ties.
It would be strange for them to keep seeing you when you have split, I also don't understand why he would be expected to spend time with the kids when they are not his.
Either you are together or you are not op, you can't have your cake and eat it.

Who was paying for the house that you had for 3 or 4 weeks? Who was paying for flights?

Hm… I don’t think it’s that quite clear cut when it comes to the stb ex-DH.

it sounds like he stepped into the role of “father” and took on parental responsibilities. Walking away from that responsibility - a responsibility that wasn’t forced upon him but something he chose or at least accepted - is rather horrible. That would be abandonment imo.

his family however most likely only ever considered his (step)children to be in-laws / somebody they were related to by marriage. It therefore isn’t surprising that they’re cutting ties. But it would be different (in my book) if his mother had called herself these children’s grandmother…

Well I hope that happens.

However that may well be a bit optimistic from what I see with family and friends with similar set ups - they tend to see less and less and really step back from any parenting role as time goes by.

As they aren't his kids and they have no half siblings that are his to act as a tie I'm not surpised he and family are stopping holidays in USA as you divorce him.

When you divorce you end the relationship, including perks as well as downsides. YABU.

I think it depends on how long you've been together, the ages of the kids, and the type of relationship (close or more casual). If they've been treated like part of the family since they were very small, maybe it would have been nice of them to keep involving your kids in family holidays, though that could be awkward for them, especially if/when he wants to take someone new as a girlfriend or partner. Ultimately, they live on another continent, so it would be a bigger deal for them to continue inviting you than if you lived just down the road and could visit more casually for a shorter period of time.

Not many people spend holidays with their extended ex-step-family. It's not surprising that they feel it would be awkward.

Totally not the point of this thread … but I suspect the OP is getting the point after all of the similar responses.

Although maybe I missed someone asking @Singineletricdreams what plans she’s making for a trip with her kids? I mean, you can still take them to the US and travel and even see if the the family there want to meet up for a meal or something. You just aren’t welcome to their family holiday and staying in their rentals. I also wouldn’t do this at the same time as your ex’s trip because that would be weird.

But I thought this was a great example of clear and direct communication by the ex and his family. There are a lot of threads and questions about how to tell someone no here and if anyone wants to see what a good way to say no here is one in the wild.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

And as such he is not discarting your kids- you just wont be able to use his family's holidays homes for free.

Not taking them on a holiday with people they are unrelated to is not 'discarding'. He is not their dad and the relationship of 'the stepdad' has ended. Perhaps he will find a way to maintain a friendly connection to the children, but if not that would be normal rather than cruel. He is not related to your children, you came as a package deal and you leave as one.

Of course you're not invited.

The thing is, he's not their father and although no doubt happy to be in that role as part of shared parenting, shared household and shared finances, he might not want to do that now you're divorcing.

Just like people expect the protection of a marriage without actually getting married, you can't expect him to be a co-parent of your children if he hasn't adopted them.

lol. By this logic they should also host me and my kids! Of course you are only invited to in-law family holidays/celebrations because of your status as in-law!

OP you are delusional.
He and his family have no ties to you or your children now, obviously.

But he isn’t discarding them like a used tissue is he, he’s still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis. That’s a bonus to you and presumably nice for them, for which I’m sure you are very grateful because it’s very good of him and not something to be automatically expected in this situation.

His family haven’t cut contact out of spite, they have said they will miss not seeing the children because you are now separated and they aren’t his children. Did they maybe have to make it clear -in response to you having taken it for granted that you were still going and expected to have a free holiday with your own house for 3 to 4 weeks. I hope not as that would be deeply embarrassing for you.

They are his relatives not yours. And not your children’s. His nephew and nieces are not cousins to your children.

You are divorcing. This means you and your children are a separate unit to him.
Your ex wil expect to go alone. Maybe he wants to take somebody else. But he doesn’t want to take you and your children. It is audacious to expect a free holiday from people you no longer have a connection to. And it’s weird to expect to go there with him and reap all the benefits as if you were not getting a divorce.

It's not difficult to understand OP.
YABVU to think it’s shitty behaviour.

There isn’t anyone new in his life. He open about this.

And there isn't anyone old either, because you are divorcing. It is really not difficult to understand that when you split you are no longer included as an in law in his family's stuff. My ex and his DD don't come on our family vacations or to our Christmas parties because they are not my family since we split up!

In practise will he though? Or just wishful thinking?

So he’s not actually discarding them, he will be seeing them on an ad hoc basis. You’re pissed off about the holiday and I get that.
Of course you and your kids would have loved to keep going on your DH’s family holidays but your marriage is over and the kids are not his own.
It would be less usual for these holidays to continue to be honest. It would be awkward for your ex DH and his family too, to maintain a happy holiday relationship with you when you’re getting divorced.
Shame for your kids but they’ve been super lucky to have had even one summer like this.
You should accept it. He’s not being unreasonable.

How old were they -

when you got together

when he met them

when you moved in together

and how old are they now?