Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

If he’s only seeing them ad hoc, how on earth did you think you’d still be seeing his family with him? This is bonkers, tbh. Smacks of sour grapes at not getting a free holiday, more than anything.

I am surprised you thought you would still go to be honest but if you’d like the children to keep contact with exDH and his family, let it slide for this year. Keep things very civil and see how the dust settles once the divorce is finalised. It is more likely that just DH would go in future so if you’re keen for these costs to continue, maybe you should think about how you’d feel if you weren’t included.

You don't see why his family would want to cut off contact with someone that's divorcing their family member?
Seriously @Singineletricdreams?

As you say, your husband will still see them on an ad-hoc basis, it just won't be at his extended family's holiday homes.

You and your children are no longer part of their lives.
I'm astonished that you would think they would want to see you.

I'm sure that if your husband wanted to just take your kids this would be tolerated by his family. But obviously that would tricky to take them away from their mum for an extended period of time.
It's you they don't want there, and by extension your kids miss out too.
This is perfectly normal behaviour from his extended family.

OP the title of the thread makes it sound like there was an actual offer to go on holiday at xyz date to xyz place but then that offer was pulled. You have just presumed that you were going to have another cheap ( or free ) holiday and now you are miffed that's not going to happen. Tough.

Catch yourself on. If he’s still involved he’s very much NOT discarding children that actually aren’t his. You should be hugely grateful because he’s going above and beyond for your kids.

How horrible to find out like that that you and the kids were utterly disposable and were only worth hosting due to marriage

So if you were getting divorced, you would be perfectly happy to host your ex husband and children that aren't yours at family events and holidays with your extended family? Do you not think that could be a bit awkward moving forwards?

I think its more normal for these externed relationships to fizzle out when the couple is no longer together

I think it's surprising you expected to continue to holiday with your ex and his family, that definitely isn't the norm.

There are step parents that would take the step children on holiday after the marriage ended, then there are those who won’t or even bother with the children again.
There are ex PIL’s that would want to maintain their relationship with step grandchildren, if their son/daughter brought them. To expect them to offer you and children to still go, is a pipe dream, your ex will go there to be surrounded by family and to help him move on. They regard you as ex family now.

Oh come on. This is really unfair.
It's not "horrible" at all, it's normal to stop hosting your relatives spouses once they divorce. Do you regularly invite the ex's of all your relatives to stay in your home for 3-4 weeks at a time?

I think separation is tough on the kids (I was a stepchild) stepparents often take on a parental role but when seperated have no real rights or responsibilities. I know I found it really hard when my stepdad left ( harder than when my parents divorced as was much younger then) lots of promises were made about still seeing us but fizzled out over a year.

I do think you are being unrealistic, I know he’s the only father figure your kids know but that relationship is dependent on your relationship.

It is sad for the children but possibly cleaner to draw a line under it.

So the op can offer to pay themself if it is money thing

I agree with the majority of posters that OP is being unreasonable to expect that the holidays in the USA with her ex-DH's family would continue after the divorce and that she and her children would still be treated like part of the family. It does make a difference where there are no biological ties.

However, the sheer relish with which some posters are telling OP how very unreasonable she is to expect any sort of ongoing relationship with her ex's family is a bit distasteful. She is wrong to expect a free holiday in the US but not wrong to feel upset for her children who obviously viewed these other children as their extended family.

Speechless...YABU

I’m not seeing FREE holiday here - these homes come at a cost, they could be rented out to another family etc so someone somewhere is paying even if Op never did.

Eh? By horrible I think you mean normal. Who invites the ex-wife and her kids who aren’t related, on holiday when a divorce happens? Not many people that’s who. Realistically it would far too awkward. Better for everyone to focus on the reality of a different future - the ex husband is not related to the kids so the ‘ad hoc’ visits may well get likely to get further apart and fizzle out over time too.

I think it's because this appears to have completely out-of-leftfield for the OP. As if the thought had never even occurred to her that these wonderful holidays, which were a perk of being married to her ex, might no longer be on the cards now that she's divorcing him.

That requires a certain level of entitlement.

Plus there's the issue that she's accusing him of discarding the kids like a used tissue in one breath and then in the next, confirming he is still involved and intends to see them on an ad-hoc basis. So inconsistent too.

Could be a bit uncomfortable sitting next to ex partners new partner at the dining table but hey a free holiday is a free holiday!

The relationship is over. Your kids are no longer their family.

They are your kids. You are divorcing him so him and his family are no longer your family. Why would you get a free holiday out of it. Honestly some people are so grabby, pay for your kids and take them away somewhere

He may meet someone else and want to take them ,be abit awkward you and you’re kids rocking up

Yeah, I'd love to hear his side of this ...

Sorry OP but of course you’re not invited. How awkward would that be for all involved?

My mum is a bit like this and doesn’t understand why my dad’s family are still loyal to him when he’s the one who misbehaved but it’s how families work. Nothing personal.

Looks like you have your answer. Can’t have your cake and eat it springs to mind.

I'm sorry OP, but I think that YABU to expect a holiday for your kids.

You said he is the only father figure they've ever known. While a holiday might not be on the cards, I do hope he remains in their lives, or worst case transitions out slowly, and as kindly and gently as possible, if it comes to that.