Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

An as hoc basis sounds like a get out clause, and I don’t think he’ll see them much, if at all.

What age are your kids?

Yeah this. Saved me typing it. Sorry @Singineletricdreams but it's ludicrous to expect to be included in your ex's family events and holidays. Even if you share children. I'm sorry you feel hurt, but YABU.

I can't beleive you thought you would still go on the holiday to be honest. And I would also assume he will drift out of your children's lives eventually. If he wanted any real involvement or saw himself as a father figure he would organise a proper schedule. It's a shame, but that's the reality of divorce - you aren't a family anymore.

But your children are not related to your STBX family at all - why on earth would they invite your children and you to their holiday property?

No - you are no longer going to be his wife, these people will no longer be your inlaes. You need to create a new life

I wouldn't have expected them not to keep up contact with children who they've known across years either and his sister seems to have similar fondness for them. Sorry for the extra hurt.

Did you or him initiate the divorce?

What @SigourneyWeaversVest said.

I would not expect this situation to continue at all, and I don't think many people would. They are not his children and the other kids are not "cousins". You were only a part of this extended family whilst you were married to him and you have no blood ties. Your DH's family would find your visit excrutiatingly awkward on every level. I think you've got a rather odd slant on life (or at least reality) to be honest.

How long were you married?
Why are you divorcing?

How long have you been married and how old are the children? You said your ex is the only father figure they know. In that case, I definitely think he should stay in their lives. I disagree with many on MN that stepchildren should never have contact with former stepparents in the event of divorce. If you and your kids have developed strong bonds with his family, I would expect those relationships to continue as well. Family means more than biological or legal connections.

However, it would be odd to have a holiday with your ex present. If his siblings or parents invite you and the children on your own, that would be a lovely gesture. Obviously, you would pay for everything. I can understand why they might not do so, since their loyalty is to their son/brother. It would still be nice of them to invite you or (depending on their ages) the children by themselves if you genuinely have formed strong bonds. If you just want a holiday in a nice location, that is another thing entirely. And a family holiday with your ex involved would be a strain for everyone, even if you have maintained fairly amicable relations with the ex.

If he’s been their only father figure for as long as they can remember, it would have been nice if he would still take them. It would be exceptionally generous for them to have included you too, but definitely not expected. How old are they? Maybe they could go with him next year?

I’m slightly perplexed by many of these replies. Usually family members are expected to treat stepchildren as ‘full’ members of their family, even though they’re not related. Op has also said that dh has been the only father figure her children have known, although we don’t know whether this has been a short-term or long-term situation.

Maybe it was presumptuous of op to presume the usual holiday arrangement would continue, but no one had told her any different, and in fact, the sil actually messaged to say she’d miss seeing them this year. (Fortunately she did, otherwise op would have been none the wiser).

how bizarre to expect the family to keep hosting the ex-partner. That won't become awkward at all when their family member has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend and still the ex turns up.

And what about when the ex is with someone else? Expect the family to keep hosting the new couple too?

On no planet is keeping the ex is "normal".

Kids are a bit different, but they are not HIS kids, he still sees them according to the OP, doesn't sound unreasonable that he keeps taking them with him at every holiday he takes - when he has to manage his ex expectations to come with for a free holiday.

No one has to build their entire life around kids not related to them - he can still be in their life, but unlike a real father, all his holidays do not have to include them!

I think people are more confused at the idea that he’d want to spend a 3-4 week holiday with his ex partner, as the assumption was that she’d be going too.

Why on earth did you think you would still go?

and why on earth would you still WANT to?

They are not his DC, not his family and you are divorcing. Odd to expect to go.

So he’s not “discarding them like a used tissue” if he is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis, is he?

He’s just not taking them (and you) on this family holiday. And why would he? I think it’s weird that you think this is “shitty behaviour” from your ex and his family. I don’t think this is about your kids, you’re just gutted you’re missing out on your free holiday.

I know what you mean op. It’s a tricky one because you have no children together so unless he had been in their lives for years and years and had pretty much adopted them I guess he might not bother to see them much now. It is really sad when children are involved. If you were friends with his sister and family then there’s no need to cut ties but they clearly don’t think this :(.

I guess it’s unrealistic not to expect things to change but it wouldn’t be weird for you and kids to continue a relationship with his family if you were close. Even if you visited separately. Depending on circumstances they are potentially behaving shitty.

Neither you or your kids have any blood ties to any of these people. It's over.

And yes, their behaviour is completely normal. You can't expect free holiday anymore.

This can’t be real

"He is the only father figure they know and has been a key part of their lives for so long. It’s cruel to discard children like a used tissue. He is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis."
so he has not discarded them they are just not invited to stay with his family for free anymore