Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

I suppose it depends on how long he's been your kids' father figure, and to a lesser extent, how old they were when he came into their lives, as to the level of contact he'll have moving forward.

Coming into a ten-years-old's life for four years is very different to coming into a two-year-old's life until they're 18. Presumably he hasn't adopted your kids?

Either way, I think it was odd of you to assume that he'd be taking your children on a 4-week family holiday now that you're no longer together. And the idea that you would go is absurd!

You only bond to his family was marriage and you're divorcing. You are no longer their family nor are your kids.

You had expectations that aren't panning out.

Lives change after divorce. He's not their dad and his relatives have no blood relation to your kids. He still sees them, but he's not going to be taking them to his relatives' for holidays anymore. That's not cruel, it's just how things are.

Presumably he is still going and it would be a strange atmosphere if you were all there. I would not expect to be going still.

Well, this is the key thing - your kids and how they feel about this.

I think people are reacting to the tone of your post OP, which comes across as being angry at being denied a holiday, rather than anxious about how it will affect DC.

If you think of exH as 'discarding them like a used tissue', that's how they'll feel. But it doesn't sound like that, he still wants to see them. He just wants it to be clear to everyone you've broken up, so no more long summer holidays with his family in the States.

Your kids will take their cue from you what to make of this.

You can fume (either openly to them, or just in your attitude) that he is/was a shit stepfather, who's shown that he actually felt very little for them. Taken away their amazing summers and basically ruined their lives.

Or, you can acknowledge that it's a sad situation, and a big change for them not to have this fab annual holiday - but that's part of what happens when couples split up, everyone's affected. Their stepdad still wants to be part of their lives. And if they want to, they can still stay in touch with the cousins and meet up with them when they're older.

It sounds like you have a lot of anger and hurt about the break-up OP, and the holiday cancelling has become the focus for it. It must have felt like adding insult to injury. I hope things will calm down and you'll be able to keep some kind of loving perspective, for DC's sake.

Did you have an incredibly close relationship with his side of the family? As in, you went out with his sister frequently as friends or did things with them independently of your husband?
Otherwise I don't quite understand why you think you'd still be welcome on their family's holiday. How odd.

Granted, my inlaws have never even met my younger DC and I've had no contact with my sisters-in-law in nearly a year. Still annoys me a bit now, since it wasn't me, who was having the affair...
Been together 20+ years as well.

How old are they and how long was he in their lives?

I know a fair number of blended families where the step children are treated as blood grandchildren or nieces, nephews. I only know one step dad who following from divorce has still treated his step children as his own and now along with his second wife are very much grandparents to the step children's DC. Although it causes tension with the biological grandmother. I do know a few people who still have good relationships with their ex inlaws where biological DC are involved but that doesn't extend to family holidays.

I have sympathy with this, as someone who grew up with a stepdad and was then dumped by him and his family when he and my mum divorced. I was 6 when they married and 26 when they divorced. I thought he, and his family, were my family.

I can understand OP not being invited but I would have thought he would still take the kids.

How long was he in their lives for and how old are they @Singineletricdreams op?

So you expect a free holiday from people not connected to your children? Why?

All contact with your children will fizzle out. They aren’t his biological children and when you divorce they aren’t his legal responsibility either. It’s sad, it feels harsh, but it’s the reality of a marriage breaking down with no shared children. He’ll meet someone new eventually and want to start over. The woman may have children of her own or they will have some together. There will be no room for children of a random ex or that ex themself. Civil for now is all well and good, but once the divorce is final and all shared assets split/ financial ties broken then you are strangers again. That’s what divorce is and you need to come to terms with that.
His family are no longer your family and it’ll be someone else going on those holidays soon if there isn’t already.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s a reality you have to face.

So they’re not being discarded then. I’m utterly baffled as to how you think this would go any other way to how it has.

He is the only father figure they know and has been a key part of their lives for so long. It’s cruel to discard children like a used tissue. He is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis.

But if he's "still involved" and intends to continue to see them he's not discarding them at all, is he?

It is not unreasonable to hope that your Ex DH will maintain some contact with your DC, OP. Not unreasonable at all. What is unreasonable, and frankly a bit odd, is your assumption that you, your DC and your Ex DH will still continue to holiday together. You must realise that the vast majority of divorced couples do not do this? Even when they share biological DC! Even more odd, is your assumption that you and your DC will continue to be hosted by his family for up to a month at a time now that you're no longer together.

This is not an offer of a holiday being revoked. This is simply two people getting divorced, which means routines and traditions inevitably have to change. You cannot reasonably expect to divorce someone and it not change your social life, finances, holidays or your relationships (and by extension your DC's relationships) with their extended family.

Is this a reverse? It’s pretty entitled to still expect a freebie from the man you’re divorcing’s family

I can understand OP not being invited but I would have thought he would still take the kids.

Why? An unrelated man taking a woman's kids to a different country would be very very inappropriate and weird.

I do think its strange for you to assume that you and the kids would still be invited.

I agree with you that it would be a shame for him to drop contact with your kids, if he has only ever been the only father figure they know. Hopefully, he will continue to be in their lives as a supportive adult and if your kids do get on with his nieces and nephews, they can stay in touch online (if all are of that age) as friends

Why would he? His family has asked him not to. They have every right to. I actually don't understand why OP is surprised. There's a divorce happening, and his family are not related to the children. She should have expected this.

Agreed, it's not so much revoked as "has sadly come to a natural conclusion".

The OP said we. She was going with them.

Ah yes! I can’t imagine anyone wanting to spend 3-4 weeks on holiday with their ex, however amicable the split. Can’t blame him for not inviting them this year.

Well he hasn't discarding them like a used tissue as he is still involved and still sees them?
Of course you and your dc wouldn't be going on holiday with his extended family now you're separated.

Unless he has legally adopted OP's (presumably minor) children, he may feel it is inappropriate for him as an unrelated (ex) stepfather to take them over to the US of all places for a month long holiday. The situation if they got sick or had an accident would be more complicated than if their mother was there on site.

And it should be obvious to OP why a newly-divorced person and his family would not want the ex tagging along on the family holiday. Divorce is usually the time people like to put as much clean water between themselves and their ex as possible, not holiday with them.

Why would you expect to go?

Honestly this just sounds so golddigger-y.

I had half a dozen step mothers in my life (my father gets 'bored' and ditches out every 5 years or so) and never once seen any of them again afterwards even the ones I was close too (and yes that use to take me on holiday when I was younger). I certainly didn't expect an ongoing free ride not only from them but their families (honestly I never even really knew their families, THEY choose my father not their family).

Don’t blame you for being gutted not to get a subsidised 4 week holiday to the US this year though OP, I would be too!

I think it was naive at best, to think this would continue. Even if they were his kids, surely he’d take them without you?

It's sad but I'm.afraid that sounds completely reasonable of your ex's family. Your children, although they enjoyed their company, are not related to them.