Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Yes, all of this. I’m inclined to think YABU to not at least expect a change, though.

I could not think of anything I’d like to do less than entertain my brothers ex wives for them to swan about got a free holiday and built in babysitting.

What are you on about? Biology has nothing to do with it. Is an adopted dad or mum not allowed to take their kids on holiday?

Again, I do think the OP is being unreasonable, but some of you are going way too far with the “not blood!” stuff.

I have an uncle who is not related to me by blood and no longer is related to me by marriage. (He is the ex-husband of my father’s sister.) He’s still my uncle. He was my uncle from time I was seven years old until I was in my late thirties, for heaven’s sake. He’ll always be my uncle.

OP says nothing about him having adopted the children. He's a 'father figure' in her words. If there was an adoption it's a different situation.

Where’s the real dad in all of this. Why isn’t he expected to take his kids to US?

Do you mean it is shitty behaviour of you to think you and your children would still have use of a house belonging to your soon to be former husband's family ?

yes.

Why are you splitting up? Would the reasons make his family uncomfortable at you being there?

Unfortunately when children are step rather than half it can make it more complicated keeping extended ties bonded when the adults split.

Are you hurt because you thought you had a relationship with them in your own right, only to realise that's not how they see it? This is a sad side of divorce. It's not unreasonable to feel hurt but they've made their feelings clear so you have no choice but to accept it.

If you aren't together anymore and they are not his kids, I can't understand why you would still expect to be going?

You're not being a family anymore, why would you go on holiday together, to see his family? That makes absolutely no sense at all.

This is normal although I wonder if he thought of your kids as his own and now he's cut them off? You on the other hand should not still be invited to go, he's your ex and it's his family. I can understand the kids being disappointed as they probably view your ex's family as aunties and uncles.

Are the kids old enough to keep contact with 'the cousins'?

This divorce is fresh OP. A holiday together now would be awkward for everyone so I get why that’s not on the cards now.

My husband’s mum’s ex partner who she broke up with when he was an older teen still treats him like a son (and me like a DIL and our DD as a grandchild), so it’s not unheard of for extended family relationships to continue post divorce/separation. The fact that his family member took time to message to say she would miss your kids shows that they do have regard for you and didn’t just tolerate you as some posters have said. But people need their space so I get why your ex wants to go without you, because respectfully I imagine it’s you he doesn’t want there rather than your kids.

Oh dear. Sadly this is totally normal, although it is tough for the kids. The family of your about to be ex have clearly decided that they are moving on without you and you kids in their lives. They were included as long as you were together, but not any more. They may even feel uncomfortable continúan with a relationship with you now your are divorcing. You dont know what has been said, and, to be honest, it wont help knowing.

So, whilst feeling sad for your kids, I think you too need to be realistic and mové on, because there is nothing you can do about it. It is not nice but you cant emotionally blackmail them into changing their minds as they are not his kids and legally he has no obligations towards them. (and presumably they. still have a father) Your next job is to help.your kids adjust to the situación and, of course, assure them that is it not their fault in any way.

This reminds me of a thread last summer, which suggested that in the name of fairness, all the ex-step children and step cousins, should be included in a family trip to Alton Towers …. where does this madness end??!?

Your ex might well meet someone else and have kids with them. At what point would you consider it appropriate for his family to say it is no longer appropriate for you and your children to have your free holiday?

That could be even more awkward - the US family have to contend with an additional ex???

Each to there own with what you do with your children. If I spilt with an ex and I entered the relationship with children that are not his and we split. There is a reason why the op has split from her ex husband I reckon he initiated the divorce because she doesn't sound right. She's still holding on to him and what he has got she can't let go. She's not entitled to his family her children are not blood related to them.

Or the real dad could take responsibility for his own kids and take them to the US on his dime. Rather than OP expecting a guy who is not related to them at all cosplaying dad.

i see divorce as a separation of family.. so you are going to be separated from this family you were previously in… I think it’s very normal that you no longer go?! Seems odd to me that you would expect this seeing as you are going through divorce??

Please refer to what @whitewineandsun posted. The op mentioned nothing about adoption and I did look for that. He wants nothing to do with the op or her children. He wants a clean break to move on and he's entitled to do that.

That doesn’t mean that you get to go on holiday with him, move on, he may well do! Imagine turning up and his new girlfriend has come along! You’re divorced.

to think this is shitty behaviour?

You could argue that it is not the children's fault that they were not their stepdad's biological children or that their mother and stepdad divorced. You probably believe they should continue to be invited to extended family get-togethers, allowed free use of holiday homes for extended periods during the summer, and perhaps receive trust funds, inheritances, etc.

But the world doesn't work like that.

It's sad for the children but you are getting a divorce. Your contact with your ex husband's family is going to stop and so is your annual holiday.

Hopefully your ex will still have some contact with your children but unfortunately they are linked to you, not him. It's likely, with no legal or biological link to the children, that he may well walk away.

Did you not think about how incredibly awkward everyone would feel if the holiday had gone ahead.

Youre a CF

How could have it been revoked when you weren't formally invited?

That's not what actually happened.

You made an assumption and are now surprised, disappointed and annoyed that it's not going to pan out as you expected.