Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

He is not discarding them. He is still in their lives. A divorce changes the dynamic and ends family ties. You were not close to his family (they live on the other side of the world) and they were very generous to you and the step-children, but it would be weird to continue this generosity now that you are no longer together. Would you still expect to share a house with him, even though you are divorced? Would you expect them to give you a house to use for just you and the kids?

It's like you think the fact that you have kids should give you a free pass to make use of one of their houses every year.

What are you angry about?

Please be prepared for your DC drifting from wanting to keep contact with your ex. Once they become adults, build their own social life, go to Uni, get jobs, get their drivers license, they will make their own adult choices, and the likelihood will be their lives will rapidly move on and he won't be relevant.

and when your ex meets someone else .... he has no obligation to keep in touch and he will move forward with his new life (quite rightly, we all have just one life, it isnt a rehearsal!)

This is definitely not double-standards and has nothing to do with the example you've given, you sound confused.

The OP did not have children with the STBXDH. The children in this story are hers, fathered by someone else. The children have no blood ties to either the ex nor his family. There are no shared children. The ex's family have no obligation to give the OP and her kids a freeby holiday.

It is where there is inequality of treatment, where there are biological children and step children and treatment of these two types of relationships is two-tiered and the step children begin to realise over time that they are second class citizens through no fault or choice their own. MNers quite rightly see that as an unacceptable way to treat children, and it could scar them for life.

the OPs kids are not going to be forever scarred by not going on a freeby holiday, the OP will have to sort that out in future. The OP would do well to point out to her offspring that, sadly because of the split, things like holidays will change but as their mother they are still loved and cared about.

OP, are you going to keep inviting and hosting any of his family who used to visit the family home?

Some men don't have much to do with their own biological kids after a divorce.

New wife & kids take priority.

Yes there are people who keep in touch with ex-step kids, but they're a minority.

It's hard enough keeping in touch with blood nephews and nieces, can't imagine having time to keep in touch with a sibling's ex wife's kids.

Breaking free properly gives space to grieve the relationship and to nurture a new one.
You need to explain and prepare the kids for when he has a new girlfriend, wife, or family.

Why would you want to go away with someone who dumped you, unless you did the dumping but expect to keep the benefits of the marriage?

@Singineletricdreams

I think that it's an outcome which was always on the cards, to be honest.

Could you make arrangements to take the children to another part of the US yourself this year?

How old are they? I wonder whether they would like New York, if they have never been there before.

Seems completely reasonable on their part to me.

It would be more odd if they invited you when you don't have joint kids

They are not blood related to either you, or your children. You were all related through marriage only, that marriage no longer exists … therefore, the relationship no longer exists.
They obviously only had relationship with you due to your marriage and now no longer want one 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people don't see a difference between being used to having something and being entitled to it. They are usually people who have had easy access to nice things from an early age.

How are you able to spend a month in the US at a time, @Singineletricdreams? Have you previously been a SAHM? Surely this will have to change if you’re getting divorced and won’t have any child support (given your ex isn’t your children’s father)?

It seems a bit like you’re sleepwalking into this divorce.

I don’t think the OP is coming back now she has been rightly told she’s a CF.

You are no longer part of his family. Of course you can’t join in his family holidays anymore!

Did your husband adopt your children?

There are plenty of familys (usually the fathers) who substantially or even completely lose contact with child relatives following divorce.

It seems strange to expect his family to provide a free holiday for his ex-wife and children he is not related to and (unless there was a formal adoption) has no responsibility for.

Is your husband going on this holiday? If so, do you expect his family to pay for separate accommodation for both him and you and your children?

I'm astonished that you even thought you would be welcome. After all the lovely free holidays they have given you in the past, it was bang out of order of you to just expect another invitation. It must have been excruciatingly embarrassing for them to be forced into telling you you are not invited.

Cheeky-fuckery of the highest order.

”WE still planned to go”

”WE would have. Holiday house for 3-4 weeks”

OP, this doesn’t sound like it’s about whether he’s a father figure or not, it comes across as if you’re upset you won’t have the free holiday.
He can still be a father figure. YOU not going to stay for free in a holiday house of his family for 3-4 weeks has absolutely nothing to do with whatever role he is going to play in your children’s life going forward.
It’s entirely logical YOU are no longer welcome in his family’s holiday homes. If you feel strongly about wanting your kids spend time with your exes family you book a trip to the States, pay for your own accomodation for 3-4 weeks are see if they want to meet up a few times.
Whether your ex will bring the kids to America is a different matter. He might want to, but then again he might not want to. If he does, you will have to give him written approval to bring your kids, and honestly op, it would not be weird at all for you to NOT give him approval to take your kids out of the country at this stage. No matter how amicable it is now, you don’t know how it is next week or next month. You would be at his mercy to bring the kids back, and it wouldn’t be the first time kids get caught in the middle of divorce proceedings and are “kidnapped” to another country. Sorry op, that’s the reality. Please take your head out of the sand and realise getting divorced means you don’t have the free holidays to his family anymore, and you need to think carefully about whether you want him to actually bring your kids on a holiday abroad.

It's creepy I wouldn't have anyone who is not their biological father take them away on holiday. Your expectations are high if that's what you expect after you break up. What man or woman in their right mind would take children that is not biologically theirs on holiday abroad. I've never read so much nonsense in my life and you respond with an angry emoji and 'what'. Children should be cherished not given away. It's not the ops exh problem that she made bad decisions in her life and the father wants nothing to do with them.

Maybe op is a teacher

You are getting divorced so it's natural dynamics would change. If my brother and his wife divorced I wouldn't expect to see her again are you particularly close to these family members? My sister had step kids when she was married it wouldn't occur to me to invite her ex and his kids to a family trip

Bizarre how many people here think an ex should continue contact with unrelated kids.

Should they just collect them up through every relationship they have? What if their ex had 3 kids and their ex before that had 2 and they have a couple of their own and then they meet someone with a few more. Do they just skip around like a merry band of misfits 🤣

It’s really bizarre that you thought you would still go. Of course it’s the natural consequence of you two splitting up.

How long was you with him for?

It is really odd that you thought you would still continue to enjoy this holiday

they are not his kids and no blood relatives of his family

they hosted you and kids as his wife , next year he will he taking his new woman - harsh reality I know but it’s very rare for ex family to stay in touch when no blood relatives to stay I in touch for

not nice for the kids , can you take them to Disney to soften the blow this year ?

It’s lovely that he will remain in touch with them.

Keep that as a positive and dual back your other expectations to something more realistic - which being hosted for a few weeks as an ex is not!

Things like this are hard to navigate, but splitting up is…splitting up. With the loss of things you did together.

Don’t cause friction with your ex.

what's wrong with you?

If it wasn't creepy to have that man in their life when they were together, it's not creepy for him to be there after the relationship. Either you trust him, or you don't.

Now him making a clean break-up, staying in their life but not burdening himself for his holidays make sense.

You are watching too many bad tv shows.😂

Was it an actual offer from them or an assumption on your part?