Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Rather misleading title. No offer was revoked, there was no offer.

You can always pay for a similar holiday yourself if you are worried your children are "missing out". It would be weird to expect his family to provide one for free

You are parting ways, Op.
There is only a legal relationship of step-parent while two people are married.

Once one partner dies or if the relationship ends, the step-children are no more related to their non bio step-parent.

This is what prompts some people to formally adopt their partner's children.

If the relationship is really close between your ex and your kids they can still, of their own free will, choose to meet and socialise or holiday etc (once the kids are adults etc.)

There is also nothing to stop you remaining in contact with your ex's family, if you are close friends. It looks like they are not going to extend that to holidays, in the best interests of their brother's request.

But it's not clear that it's even within exDH's gift to continue taking them on these holidays. It's not the exDH's house(s) that they go to, the houses are owned by his extended family (unless I'm mistahen). Yes it might be mean spirited for exDH to bar the kids from his own holiday house if he had been as good as their 'real' father for all intents and purposes, but as it's not his house it might not be up to him. And even if it was his house, for the OP to expect to still tag along herself is...ambitious.

Re point 3, in fairness we don't know whether OP was the one to end the relationship or not. It might be him doing the stomaching.

Imagine if it was a different situation where you hosted his parents say for 4 weeks in the summer. Or you helped a frail aunt clean her house cook her meals.
Would you honestly be carrying on after divorce with those routines?
He has said he will continue to see the kids but how the wider family interact that's their choice.
It's seems pretty standard really it's just in this example you are sorry your kids to lose this nice holiday and family vibe but as everyone has said it's not nasty behaviour just normal.

There are always so many threads where a mother has one or more children from a previous relationship, meets a new man and has a child/children with them, and then is heartbroken that his family don't see all the children as being members of the family in exactly the same way as each other.

Having a child together as well as previous children makes a difference though. The ex would be expected to remain in contact ,the children would be step sibling.

The Op has no children with her ex DH.

I see where you're coming from, but very few step-parents are going to stay in the life of a child they're not biologically related to, or legally responsible for. It's a very, very big ask.

It is not appropriate for you and ex to be going on holiday with his family so it has come to a natural end rather than being revoked. If he was biological dad she may be invited with him for part of it if it wasnt too long for her or you. As only ad hoc it feels like that wouldn't work.

Divorce changes things.. You can't still play happy families and think that everything will carry on as normal
You're a cf op.

Of course it’s been revoked! How bonkers to expect otherwise! They’re his family, not yours…

I can see that must feel hard OP. We had a similar thing where my uncles got divorced from aunties who had been around since my parents were teenagers and well before I was born and they then disappeared out our lives. It was really upsetting and definitely not what we would have chosen our side. I have managed to get back in touch with one now that her divorce has settled and in the past.

I don't have an answer and I think it probably is unreasonable to expect to continue to go and have a free holiday every summer, but maybe wording it along the lines of "we view you as family and would love to come and see you periodically" and not expecting to stay for free, might be the answer?

If the kids were your husband's then it would be expected to still go. However your kids aren't his, so why would they want to see you all? They only invited you in the past, because you were with their relative. In this situation I would not have expected to go.

I think OP understands now after being told hundreds of times.

Maybe it was presumptuous of op to presume the usual holiday arrangement would continue, but no one had told her any different, and in fact, the sil actually messaged to say she’d miss seeing them this year. (Fortunately she did, otherwise op would have been none the wiser).

Maybe nobody thought the OP needed to be told any different. Maybe everyone thought it was obvious that, if you are getting a divorce, you no longer go on holiday with your husband’s family (and seemingly at their expense). Look at the vast majority of responses on this thread.

This is why OP needs a proper conversation about what this “ad hoc” ongoing relationship really means. To OP, it seems to mean nothing changing other than the fact that she is no longer married. It clearly means something different to her soon to be ex-husband and, for the sake of her children, she should get clarity on this.

SIL probably messaged out of kindness, assuming the OP and her kids might be feeling a bit upset when the holiday time was coming up. And I’m sure her kids genuinely did enjoy having others their own age around. But that’s not to say she or any of the other in-laws are thinking OP should be there this summer. She’s not the only one going through a divorce - her husband’s family are going to want to support him. That’s before you even consider that this is supposed to be a holiday for everyone in the family. Who wants to spend their holiday walking on eggshells around a divorcing couple?

Absolutely bizarre to assume you and the children were still going. It was decent of your soon to be exDH's sister to let you know, to save you any potential embarrassment or wasted money and plans.

But, as I said, none of that would mean OP was reasonably entitled to assume that her ex DH would carry on taking her on holiday to visit his family post-divorce.

In an ideal world, it would be lovely if he wanted to keep taking her DC to visit his family. But OP's automatic assumption that they would all continue to holiday together as a family of 4, and that she would be welcome to stay with his family is not logical, regardless of the length of the marraige or his role in her children's lives.

But OP wasnt just expecting the kids to be included in the Ex DH's family holidays was she? She was also expecting to go herself. I think that's what people are reacting to.

I think that if OP had posted saying "I'm feeling upset that he's been like a father figure to my DC but now that were getting divorced he doesn't want to take them to visit his family anymore" she would have gotten different responses. People would, rightly, have pointed out that he has no obligation to keep taking her DC on holiday. But I think they would have understood why she felt sad for her DC that these yearly trips were coming to an end. OP assuming that she would still be welcome to tag along with her Ex DH on his family holiday is what people are struggling with I think.

The wider family have not "cast the kids aside" at all. A member of their family married a woman with children, and now he's divorcing her. That's not their fault is it?

What exactly do you want his family to do? Tell him that they will be inviting his ex-wife into their home every year when he visits whether he likes it or not, because they're all fond of her children? Its very sad, but this is one of the risks with blending families unfortunately.

This is what happens when you split up. Why would they offer you this free holiday? It will be difficult all round. Dxh can still take advantage of their hospitality. You are out in the cold.

I'm just surprised you're surprised op
Sorry

What? 😡

Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

You're getting a divorce.

you need to back off contact with his family, you won't get freeby holidays anymore. Thats how it works when you get a divorce.

wanting something for free is being a grifter.

Still see them on a ad hoc basis…….

ok start preparing your kids (& yourself) things not going to happen. He won’t stay involved and won’t see them on a ad hoc basis. Prepare, this will save you from the shock when it happens.

Re the holiday, I think you were unreasonable to expect this to continue. Maybe try to look at it as it was lovely they were so fully included in the past instead. You see so many threads on here where the step kids aren’t treated as family whilst the parent is still married to the step parent, so it’s good that you didn’t have this experience whilst married….count your blessings.

The STBXH adopting them now, in the middle of divorcing their mother? You can’t be serious.