Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Have you actually asked if he will take the children without you? Could that be an option

I think that would be really difficult if he doesn’t have parental responsibility for the children, as he wouldn’t be able to make medical decisions in an emergency.

It may sound hurtful but in reality it was your DH they were inviting as family, you & the DC were along due to your marriage.

Your marriage is ending, and they no longer count you within the family.

Yes but that doesn’t extend to everything he has done with them.

How long were you together? How old are your dc?

surely you didn’t expect to holiday with his family forever?

True, and if he's the one who cheated and broke up the family, it does seem unfair on the kids (and the innocent wife). Lots of in-laws stay in touch with their SIL/DIL and do tell their son/daughter that if they chose to break up the home, the children shouldn't have to suffer. It's not the kids' fault whether or not they're blood relations, and the cousins quite probably couldn't care less whether they're blood relatives.

If you had posted saying you’re a step-mother who isn’t taking her ex’s children on holiday anymore, you would be vilified as a witch.

Women can’t win on MN.

But in this scenario the ex doesn’t want her there. If his family has to choose, they absolutely need to choose their own relative over paying for an ex and her children to attend. This is one of the fallouts of divorce unfortunately. Am totally bewildered that the OP didn’t even think this was a conversation, she just assumed she’d carry on this one part of her marriage forever?

I get what you mean. There are always so many threads where a mother has one or more children from a previous relationship, meets a new man and has a child/children with them, and then is heartbroken that his family don't see all the children as being members of the family in exactly the same way as each other.

There are always so many posters on those threads insisting that stepchildren are members of the family in exactly the same as biologically-related children and any relative who does not see them as such is a monster, but I always thought this was incredibly naive and unrealistic. I do think that relatives should try to treat the stepchildren equally in most situations (eg Christmas presents) where possible to avoid the stepchildren noticing a difference and being upset, but the stepchildren are really just family of the wife rather than direct members of the new man's family and might never be seen again in the event of a divorce.

I think OP is being very naive and unrealistic too but I doubt she'll be back.

Did you previously go with your husband and the children, or just you and the children? If all of you, then I'd think it's mainly up to him if he still wants to holiday "as a family" this year - fine if he did, but not at all unusual that he doesn't. If it's just you and the children, then I think it depends on whether you were specifically invited for this year, how close you were to the trip, and how long they'd known about the divorce. If, say, you'd been invited in December, booked tix for June, announced the divorce in March, and were suddenly told not to come a week before your departure date, then I agree that it's annoying but mainly because they should have told you earlier.

If you consider any of these relative close friends of your independently of him, and/or the children are very close, can you wait til things die down a bit and invite them to visit you, perhaps for next summer?

Not terribly difficult… just need a letter from the parent + contact details so the hospital can call if they need verbal consent. In an emergency situation where parent consent (or a letter) can’t be granted then both paramedics/ems and hospital staff can act in the child’s best interest.

In other words nobody will not treat a child in an emergency just because the parents aren’t around to consent.

Even worse?

His family may want to set him up with someone.

Want to de-stress from the divorce without you being there all pretending everything is grand.

He may want to enjoy a holiday as a single man.

You talking of a holiday of all things, comes off as grabby.

The most CF thing I've read in ages.

They are not his children and if he did bring them his family would have to have some words with him.

That's ridiculous no normal person would think like that. Mumsnet is not a normal place. They are her children not his he has no parental rights over them. The ops expectations are to high.

You can also spin it this way a step mum is around to do the child caring responsibilities because the father doesn't see it as his role to bring up the child. I've read that scenario on Mumsnet. Poor step mum is run ragged doing all the child caring donkey work.

I think they obviously have to now set a new normal. And if he gets a new partner then it would be really uncomfortable if you and your children go.
You should probably expect him to gradually fade out of their lives for the most part.

YABU. Why would you want your children to continuing visiting ‘family’ who isn’t their real family? If either you or your ex husband get a new partner, at any point, imagine how awkward this would be.

And atm, why would you even want to go to America with Trump in charge again? America isn’t the country it used to be atm.

How involved? I don't think you really understand what divorce usually means.
There is no support, and unless your soon to be ex dh has adopted your kids he has no parental rights either.

Does your exdh want to continue the arrangement with his step kids? Do your dc want to go away for a month with him without you? Have your dc asked if they are still going?

And presumably you said no, we are getting divorced, no longer live together. How old are your dc? Late teens? They might get invited over without you by their step cousins. You don't get to join in - that would be SO AWKWARD!

I doubt you’ll answer this as you clearly expected a very different reaction on here, but here goes -

OP, what exactly were you expecting?

1. You take the kids by yourself

2. He takes the kids without you

3. You and your kids go with the man you are in the midst of divorcing - so his behaviour is enough to merit ending the relationship, but not so bad as to stomach his company for a free 3 week holiday in the states?

Each one of these scenarios sounds nuts given the circumstances - wow

🤷🏼‍♀️

@ Pistachiocake
“Lots of in-laws stay in touch with their SIL/DIL and do tell their son/daughter that if they chose to break up the home, the children shouldn't have to suffer. ”

But the in-laws stay in touch because they are children of the family - not unrelated offspring of someone who came into the family. Of course it’s not the kids’ fault that they’re not “blood relations”, but it doesn’t mean that they and their divorced mother get the perks of being married. It’s not as though there are any children from this marriage - as far as the American family are concerned, these are simply children that came as part of the package when the OP was married to her DH. No matter how amicable the split, there will always be tensions, and it would be startling indeed if the DH’s family continued to welcome the OP and her children in precisely the same way as they had done when they were together.

Are you okay @Singineletricdreams ?

It can be hard when it seems like everyone is against you on one of these posts. Il
sure you get the point and it's not nice.

I'm genuinely surprised at the OP's thought process here.

Me too. I get the arguments about trying to treat step children equally (where appropriate) whilst together, but once a couple have split, the children in this scenario are no longer connected to the family

He is the only father figure they know and has been a key part of their lives for so long. It’s cruel to discard children like a used tissue. He is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis

That doesn’t mean he is obliged to provide you and your kids with a yearly overseas holiday though, or any holiday at all. Not providing you with this is not ‘discarding children’, get a grip! Can’t work out if the problem is you are so dense you can’t see this, or you are so entitled you don’t want to.

Quite!

I have only read a couple of pages but I’m a little surprised at the reactions.

I think it’s very dependent on ages of children and length of marriage. I wouldn’t expect to still be going as the ex wife but in my case my DH has basically been my DDs dad since she was 3 and she’s now a mid teen. He’s always treated her and says he loves her the same as our child together, I’d be incredibly disappointed and she’d be incredibly upset if she was suddenly not treated as his dd just because we were getting divorced.

So if it’s a similar length of “parenting” relationship I can see why OP would think he’s being unreasonable.