Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

This thread should almost be in Classics for the lack of understanding of how entitled this actually sounds. It makes absolutely no difference whether he is dating someone else or not.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa I’m not sure whether it would be advisable for a non family member to take the children abroad tbh, even with written permission from their Mum. Immigration would ask a lot of questions.

YABU

They'd cut contact because hes family and you and your children aren't. And you're saying you feel things are civil but DH may be hurt.

I think its bizarre to think your STBexHs family would give you and your children a free 4 week holiday. And its grabby you assumed that you'd keep access to the his relatives property

Haven't RTFT - or not all of it - but the title alone seems misleading. No holiday offer appears to have been "revoked". You seem to have just made some crazy assumption that, despite getting divorced from your husband, you and your children (crucially, not his) would still be part of his family and entitled to join in with his family's holidays.

Madness.

Does the OP not coming back confirm it's as it seemed:
there was never an invitation or any change of plan, she just expected to rock up with her kids and is very miffed they had to tell her that no, she's not invited!

Good on the family to know how to put boundaries, too many people don't dare doing that.

Either hes their dad or he isnt. If hes the only father figure they know he could have adopted them.

Surely you both knew when you divorce this is a risk. It must be hard for him being a "father figure" and now he won't have any rights to those children hes helped raise. I imagine it will be hard for everyone.

But he has to think about if he sees them "ad hoc" and how long that will last if either of you meet someone new?

Long term it might be cleaner and less confusing all around to sever all contact. But I defo wouldn't be expecting a free holiday at his relatives home.

This is such double standards. Mumsnet goes on and on about treating step children like biological children and yet directly the couple are no longer together the conversation always jumps to ‘why would you expect X or Y, they aren’t related to you’. Well which is it? Are these kids being treated like family or not?!!

They're not his kids so why should they get to have a holiday to your STBX family. YABU 100%

They liked you all because of the marriage.
it’s no deeper than that.

He's not "discarding them like a used tissue" if he's still planning to see them. But he was never their actual dad, and it's their actual dad who owes them their missing father-figure. Your stbx does not owe them anything, and owes you only what is determined to be a fair split of marital assets (unlikely to include ongoing transatlantic holiday privileges). If he takes them our for a McDonald's once every couple of months he's doing infinitely more than most men would do for their ex-step-kids.

I don't think it's necessarily a double standard. I can see why someone would be very reluctant to take children that they have not adopted or have PR for out of the country, and to the US particularly. If they fell ill or had an accident whilst there, would the (ex) stepfather be held liable for medical bills/evac, etc? I don't know, but I can see why the possibility would make someone hesitate.

If this was about him taking them to his beach hut in Skegness, different story.

The issue is that the OP was expecting to go on the holiday too. Why would he want to holiday with his ex for 4 weeks? I can’t imagine many people would want to do that.

Quite @Butchyrestingface. He couldn’t make any decisions for them as he doesn’t have PR. Even in the UK, a hospital would need to contact their parent if decisions needed to be made. Legally, he’s now just their Mum’s ex.

The children are only family for the duration of the relationship though. I think that’s partially why some extended families don’t treat stepchildren the same because if they break up there’s a decent chance you’ll never see them again.

There's also the chance that the ex husband will never see the kids again. I don't think OP said how old they are but if they are young, OP could just decide at any point post-divorce to withhold contact and there's really sod all he could do.

He's going to be dependent on her good will for ongoing contact and maybe he feels he needs to start emotionally guarding himself against all possible outcomes.

Well these are ex stepchildren but mostly I’m confused as to why the actual ex thinks she’s invited to anything. Super complicated to take children you aren’t related to away for 4 weeks but I could see why he might try to make some version of this offer. But why on earth the OP would think ‘she’ was invited is the confusing part to me

Honestly struggling to understand why you think you’d be entitled to free holidays in your ex in laws holiday homes 🤷🏼‍♀️

They should, whitin a relationship. After the relationship folds up this is no longer the case, just because he is not the biological father. Kids should have all the family meetings and holidays with their biological father and his family, if this is not happening is OP's bad decisions who led to this. Is sad but is true. The only people responsable for the children at the end of the day are the father and the mother, also the only ones who have all the legal rights and any say in their upbringing.

You forgot to add leaving the kids with the relatives while she goes on a date 😁

It’s an awful part of splitting, my dc developed very close relationships with exh second wife’s family but when they split it ended that day. It was a huge lose to them. They refused to pursue a relationship with wife no 3 family.

What amazing annual foreign trips are your extended family intending to include your ex in after your divorce when he is no longer a member of their family?

I’ve been that step child. I was going to be flower girl at an upcoming wedding too and that offer was rescinded. I was gutted tbh.

That’s not the same though is it?

Oh no, she wasn't expecting DH to take them, she expected that SHE and her kids could continue to go every year by themselves, without DH

I don’t think you can expect his family to host you and your kids at theirs for a holiday when 1) they aren’t his children and 2) you are no longer together. There’s no family tie at all now. You once all came as a package but no longer do.