Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Im so confused by this as well. I can’t believe you actually thought ‘you’ would go. I suppose if your ex still wanted to bring his ex step children then I guess you could talk about it but that would be quite unusual.

He can be involved, which is great, but I’ve no idea why you think his family would want to be.

They may well want to be involved with the kids. But I doubt that extends to hosting their family member’s ex wife for 4 weeks.

There is definitely a difference between your exDH popping round with a present on birthdays etc and maybe offering to take them out for a day in the summer holidays to you holidaying with your exDHs extended family for several weeks and at some cost to them.

I don't think you can say yet that he has discarded them until you see how theirs 'ad-hoc' being involved pans out

Especially since the OP described her divorce as “fairly civil” 🤣 I can’t imagine why the extended family isn’t tripping over themselves to host

You said he isn’t even talking to them. Why would you think his relationship with them would continue? Let alone with his extended family?

All the people asking how long they were married, how old OP's DC are, who instigated the divorce etc. Why does it matter? I cannot think of a single scenario where one party would be reasonably entitled to assume they can continue to holiday every year with their ex post-seperation, and to be hosted by their ex's family.

Even if the OP's children have known and lived with her Ex for many years, call him Dad etc. this doesn't mean he's "shitty" for not wanting to carry on holidaying as a family. I don't know a single divorced couple with shared biological children who still go on holiday together.

It would be nice if he still wanted to take the OP's DC to see his family at some point, since he's intending to remain involved in their lives. But he's under no obligation to do so and anyway this wasn't OP's expection. Her expection was that she would be going too, which is not reasonable regardless of the circumstances around their divorce.

Of course he doesn’t have to. Even if they were his bio children he wouldn’t have to include them in his holiday.

No, OP, you and your children are now out of the picture.
Why would they want you there?

Think it’s bizarre to think you would still go. Who takes their ex-wife and her kids to see their extended family?

This ^

Civil is one thing but you're still divorcing so why would you and your children (who are not related to them) still go on holiday with them?! Were you expecting this to happen every year??

Bollocks
step family is family.
That aside, the holiday thing is a bit bonkers

I’m afraid that’s the reality of divorce, OP. Things change, family traditions change. As their step-Dad who presumably hasn’t got PR for your children, he’s unlikely to continue taking them on holiday abroad to see his extended family.

It would be great if he stays in touch with them, but legally he has no rights and no responsibilities towards your children. They may also choose not to see him.

OP how old are your kids and how long has your DH known them?

Cruel or realistic?

Very few men are going to stick around and raise someone else's kids after they get divorced from their ex.

Charming

It's true though. Many of them don't stick around for their own offspring, let alone someone else's!

Sorry but I think you've made your beds to be honest. Your children are not his responsibility, sounds like he's been and being nice but you've got to understand that you're separating, either he decides in which case he no longer wants to be with you, or if you made that decision then you've made that bed. Of it was a joint decision then he's checked out I think

Who ended the relationship @Singineletricdreams?

He's not their father.
He doesn't owe them or you a holiday now that your relationship is over.
YABU to think otherwise.

@Singineletricdreams in the event of divorce , separation, affairs and abuse, your in laws are not your friends. I thought everyone knew this ?!

Ha well that is true

He's not discarding them! He's simply not taking his Summer holiday with them....& you....the person he's divorcing! I'm baffled why you'd think he would? What about when he meets someone new? Would you still expect to be included then? It's sad for your kids but at the end of the day, it's what happens when people separate.

Crikey, OP. No, you can’t just keep coming on holiday with your ex and staying with his family like nothing’s happened. This is what divorce means.

I feel quite disturbed sometimes by how little some posters understand about how relationships work.

@neverbeenskiing

You were asking why the length of marriage was important. The reason is to establish what sort of relationship the Dh (and extended family) had with the children.

If he was involved from a very young age, then he has effectively been the children’s default father all their life, and to go from that to ‘ad hoc’ is a little unfair on the children. Also, if the children have been going to America for several years, then they would have developed a relationship with the extended family.

I do know of (ex) stepmums who have continued relationships with their (ex) stepchildren which I think is lovely.