Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Divorce means losing the extended family as well.
that can be difficult, but you just have to accept reality in exchange for your freedom.

Unless he adopted the children, his relationship with them is tenuous at best. He has no legal rights or responsibilities regarding the children which makes it
very difficult to maintain a relationship if he is not in a relationship with their mother.

@Singineletricdreams**
AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Obviously, it's a near unanimous YABU

it's telling that you are not disappointed not to get an invit' this year - which would be more understandable

but you didn't even wait for an invitation but were so entitled they had to tell you they were not expecting you! The only rude person here is you.

You can’t possibly have expected to go?!

This is just a normal casualty of divorce.

I'm really surprised you expected this OP. When you divorce you typically lose your status with your exes family. Especially where there are no children to tie you to them. It would need to be a very amicable split indeed, or your partner very wrong in the eyes of his family for them to continue to treat you as they did before.

Agree with this.

This thread- gosh people are so callous and cruel.

Things change when you get divorced
Your ex husband is not your childrens dad ,so obviously that side of the family will stop seeing your children

Who instigated the divorce? You or him?

No we’re being realistic. Does it suck for the kids, Yes. But this is the fallout when people remarry, blend families, and otherwise drag children along into their relationships.

how old are your children and how long were you together? He is not discarding them, you said he still plans to see them. You are divorcing, it's usual in that situation for both parents to see less of the children. Would you let the kids go with him but without you?

That’s fair, but I think there’s a lot of pp’s who’ve gone much further than that on this thread and responded with an apparent complete lack of empathy

You're being so naive OP

You'll divorce and he'll stop seeing them. Time to book your own holidays.

I'd need some questions answered before I weigh in with my opinon on this.

1. Who instigated the divorce and how sudden was it?
2. Had you booked the flights and if so was it with the initial approval of your ex? You said you were planning to go this summer, I assume in the school holidays, so in about a month and a half? If you'd booked flights with his approval then I think this would change my feelings on the situation quite a lot. However if you booked them in the midst of a divorce without discussing the situation with him, I would be less sympathetic.
3. How long has he been living with and helping to rise your children? A few years, over a decade etc? Do they call him dad?

I think people are being very quick to judge here, probably because you don't give much information in your posts. Context is everything.

Unfortunately you are no longer part of their family.

Not really, no one is expecting the ex to completely disappear, but the OP says he's still in their life.

As someone completely unrelated, he doesn't have to include them in all his holidays, or any holiday at all. He can still be in their life.

DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

Op can you give more info pls, why did you think it was still OK to go, in a sense, as in you was paying for yourself, you still see them as very dear to you and you always speak to them anyway, kind of way...when you told dh and he said not to come surely he didnt just say dont come, and he said more then this. Whats his reason. He doesn't want to mix with you anymore? Because your acting all causal about thinking you are all still like family but clearly your husband (stbe) had already told his sister you're not coming .. it was sweet of her mention the kids which makes me think you are close and the kids were loved and would be missed too and might explain why you thought you was still going.

That is a sad situation for your kids that "the only father they know" will in future only be in ad hoc contact with him. But as that will be the case, then it seems completely obvious that they would no longer be part of his extended family visits and holidays.

Is the "ad hoc in future" relationship with then the kids choice, your choice or hos choice? What age are they?

OP, once divorced you will be his ex.

When you unblend a blended family, this is entirely normal, emotionally difficult as that may be. If you no longer want the husband, you can't keep his family and keep using them for free holidays.
You and your children were only ever invited to these trips because you were married to him. Now that is no longer the case, you can't invite yourself to stay with them. If they choose to continue inviting you, that would be great. It sounds as if they have chosen not to though.

So he’s going to see them still, good

That doesn’t mean you all get a free three week holiday with your ex-in-laws

Sorry OP, but I think it’s normal not to spend holidays with your ex. Only a minority or former partners would holiday together. Your no longer family, so you won’t continue to have family holidays with him.

Neither he nor his family have biological or legal ties to your children. It’s entirely normal that their relationship with you and your children ended when your marriage did. Is this always the case? No, but those cases are the exceptions rather than the rule. What you think ‘should’ happen isn’t the reality you’re dealing with, and it’s on you to come to terms with that and lower your expectations.

This isn’t odd at all. The family won’t want to have you and your kids visit now you’re divorcing.

It is sad for the kids as it always is when relationships end. However, these relatives live on a different continent and hopefully it actually make it easier (nice holidays disregarded) than if they were round the corner and had regular contact.

This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go.

I cannot for the life of me begin to imagine why you would OP, even if he did take the children. That in itself might be problematic, as he has no legal parental responsibility. Fine until eg someone is ill.