To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

However, I get REALLY annoyed when a new mum comes here for support with a difficult baby, and some posters immediately arrive to say how glad they are not to have had children.

How often does this actually happen? As someone without children I wouldn’t dream of doing this.

Yep, that's my child free by choice life. Pissed and bored 🙄 what a bloody ridiculous thing to say 🤦🏻‍♀️

Do you live in a big city? Friends I know in this position have vastly different experiences depending on whether they live somewhere that all their friends are settled down with 2.4 kids or a more mixed bag in a vibrant place with lots happening.

I have seen it several times. Or when a poster has a difficult teen. Or when a poster has had a tough holiday with small kids.

We are all allowed to moan a bit.

☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
Plus, you can probably assume the life was great because adults have autonomy to shape every part of their lives until such time as they have kids. If PP can’t stretch her mind to imagine that people really can have fabulous lives without children then I’d suggest it’s her that’s boring (and I say this as someone with children).

This. I have some mind numbingly boring friends whose interest in the world around them ends with their children and grandchildren.

These things are good to discuss but mourning and regretting are two quite different things so there’s a mixed bag on responses here.

Mourning seems natural if you felt your life was fuller or more enjoyable before kids but it doesn’t mean you actually regret having kids.

Lots of people do regret becoming parents I think but that seems natural too- nobody can ever know if parenthood is actually for them until they have done it. And by then it’s too late. So in that situation, parents have a hard road but the main thing is never ever tell or give away to the children that if that is how your feel. The worst burden to give them. You’re their world, whether you’d have chosen to be or not. These adult feelings also come and go over time and are often a symptom of other life stresses or unresolved trauma that need to be addressed.

Why are you their friend? I too have similar people in my life but have downgraded them to acquaintances.
All my friends, parents or child free, are very interesting and have numerous interests: books, travel, theatre or heritage.

Life if you are lucky is pretty long -to give up 15 years of it give or take to raise a child, more if you have more DCs isn’t a great ask imv. I have relations without DCs - retired now , one is v into golf and the other not into anything in particular.

This is why I worry for women (and it's always women) who make their children their entire purpose and life. Their childhood is so short - what happens for the 40+ years you have afterwards?

I felt quite anxious before my first because I really did like my life before, but it was all just so much better than I’d expected. You are warned about the sleepless nights and nappies but with no counterpoint! The bad bits were pretty much as I had mentally prepared for, but the good bits were a welcome surprise. I also thought I’d miss the stuff I “couldn’t do” any more, but didn’t realise that a lot of the time I wouldn’t actually want to, and I’m happy at home with the family. That said, I still see friends, still eat out etc etc - just fewer Michelin stars and more lunches rather than dinners! Good luck 😊

@tumblingdowntherabbithole I never meant to - I was intended to be career focused. But I hated that and I loved time with my kids so much that it was an absolute joy.

I was self employed as well, which I fitted around parenting (and developed a shocking caffeine addiction in a bid to stay awake). But although I enjoyed my work, my children were so much more rewarding and fun.

I very consciously have nurtured other interests in recent years as the kids grew up. That’s because I would hate to be a needy pain in the arse who is always wanting more from my adult children. And my relationship with DH is strong and loving, which is an important factor too. I have a great life!

I'm not sure it's a lot, certainly my extended family is made so much better by having all the children in it.
My own children are adults and we are all very close, I simply couldn't imagine anything different.
I have a career, and I am grateful that I enjoy it most of the time, but it doesn't compare to the wonder and sense of achievement of being someone's mum.
I still get to enjoy hobbies, travel, and see friends.
I think you may be referring to the early years, when perhaps young parents are adjusting to the change, but that doesn't last long.

I was quite surprised last time I was at my hairdresser's and she said randomly that 'she didn't think she'd do it if given her time again '

I'm not sure if we were staring out now we'd have three - not because we haven't loved having three kids - we have and if finances were different we'd have had more - but as an acknowledgement our society only made it harder in the years since to have kids -mostly financially.

I often see it in news articles that the UK has a fertility gap of around 0.3 children, meaning for every three children wanted, only two are born.

You also see stastic that for every 10% increase in house prices fertilty drops by 1% - whcih does suggest there is pent up demand in some section of socitey for more children which doesn't suggest regret more people being finacilly reponsible and making tough decsions.

Ties in more with what I hear much more than regret that people wish they started soon or could have more.

That's not to say there not a section of socitey which just do not want kids - cleary they exist and they should be allowed to live their lives with no negativecomments -( though I think many parents would also like less negative comments about when they have kids, how many and how they raise them).

This. If seems like many people are staying they have this great life before kids , working travelling bag blah blah pretty then nothing happens after

Makes me glad having done it the other way really as since before hitting 50 I've had far more freedom do do all the travelling etc and old enough to actually appreciate it.
And obviously I didn't have all this " fancy" life to give up for kids.

I was definitely surprised by motherhood not being as tortuous as MN made out to be. My baby wasn't the best sleeper but was far from the worst either, and he's been a livewire since he was a newborn, but I'm also the apparently unicorn person who sleeps when the baby sleeps.

But it's fair enough that people share how hard it is, even easy babies aren't easy.

Mind you, we did wait - travelled a lot in our 20s, saved a lot of money, and kept UK based holidays for when we had kids. After covid, we had a blast of a year working through all the postponed events we had tickets for - and definitely found the pace of life of our 20s a bit much.

Now enjoying a much more domesticated life.

They keep living :) if they have nurtured warm and close relationships with their kids then hopefully those continue. And meanwhile they also have the time and space to access the bits of pre-kids life they missed, like quiet mornings, grown-up holidays, fancy restaurants etc.

Of course that's best case scenario- some might have been suffocating and continue to be dissatisfied with how much time their kids give them while building resentment in their children.

Others might be visited by tragedy of various sorts that colours everything else. But that's life generally, isn't it? There's no promised path, and you do your best and hope for the best. But there's no reason to think that a parent who prioritised their children with a focus you don't agree with is doomed going forwards.

See 75% of my female friends are child free. Never heard them have regrets about not having kids A couple of them adore nieces/ nephew but like to " give them back"

Absolutely!

I'm not talking about people who prioritise their children, but those who make their children their entire world, to the exclusion of all else.

Mourning your old life is not the same as regretting having DC if you ask me.

I mean that would be my MIL, who is still absolutely adored by her children, children in law and grandchildren.
She now has a busy social life full of coffee dates and parties with her friends, to the amusement of her family, and went on a girls only holiday last year. But she still sees her family the majority of the time. We're at her house now, along with two of her other kids and their kids, she's just finished making my son drink a special mix for his cough. I'd say she's pretty happy with how things have turned out.

Well they are more like acquaintances now.

I see it frequently on here. You're almost guaranteed on a thread where a mum is writing about struggling with a newborn, or sleep deprivation or juggling multiple kids, someone will pop on and say "this is why I've decided to not have kids" as if that is somehow going to help the OP.

Yes there are people who regret having kids, just as there are those that regret not having kids. But for the vast majority of parents they don't regret having children, people don't tend to post on the Internet when things are going well. There does seem to be quite a number of posters on here who seem to be convinced that most women do regret having children and I keep seeing this narrative played out on a number of threads.

Saying that I that I have a 3 year old and newborn so am currently in the thick of it wirh feelings of regret of having more than one child while I adjust to having 2. However i went through this with my first and know it is a phase and it will pass.

If she still has friends, goes on girls holidays and has hobbies, she didn't focus on her children to the exclusion of all else, did she?

You're being very disingenuous in your responses. Probably on purpose, to try and prove a point.