To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

15 years 🤣

It’s quite bold to claim that you know people who have genuinely focused on their children to the exclusion of all else. Children are people, with interests, so even if someone’s life was exclusively being a mum, that could involve having an interest in the sports her children play, teaching them music, cooking for them, doing crafts, watching movies together, a love of the outdoors and adventure etc etc etc. Also, it’s virtually impossible not to meet people as a mother. It could well be that PP’s MIL made friends through her children and they’ve remained in contact all these years. I personally wouldn’t give up my career, but if someone chooses to make their life revolve around their children they can still have a lot of interests related to that.

So you just ignore your kids once they turn 15, do you?

No I don’t think so. Some will of course but I don’t think lots.

People will miss certain things they could do when they were child free.

It's not a bold claim, it's something I've witnessed multiple times both on here and in real life - women who have teens and adult children and who feel totally lost because they gave up their hobbies, interests and friendships to focus on their family.

It's not about having a career (or not) - it's about maintaining a life outside of your immediate family unit. Going out with friends, doing hobbies, exercising, travelling - whatever.

I’m sure @Katemax82doesn’t really care what you think.

She doesn't STILL. These are new things. That was obvious I thought, from my previous reply when I said she "now" has those things.

She was a stay at home mum to many children for the entirety of her adult life. Her friends at that time, were other mums who she saw in the course of her children's lives. She went on no holidays without her children. It's certainly not a life I want to live, nor do live. But she did and it has not led to a hollow, lonely life now.

I am not being disingenuous. You are just wanting to reject a story that goes against what you want to believe.

Couldnt have said it better myself!

I find that very hard to believe - do you belong to a cult??

I’ve seen enough parents on here saying that soft play places are hell to think parents’ lives look pretty boring too.

Do you?

So she did maintain friendships then. Just because her friends were other mums, doesn't mean they didn't talk about things other than children.

It's not about me wanting to believe anything at all - I know lots of parents who travel, holiday with friends and retain their independence. But there is a subset of them who focus their entire lives on their kids, to the detriment of all else.

It's great that your MIL now has a great social life and friendships.

Nope just part of a loving family and loving kids who bring me great happiness

I agree with you. A lot of parenting is boring routine.
Life is like gound hog day at times for parents and child free people.
I know plenty of parents who drink much more than they should because they're bored or tired thinking for everyone in the home.
None of these things are exclusively to either group.
They are human behaviours.

Having kids doesn’t mean you spend your entire life at soft play you know! I think k I have only ever been to soft play 3 or 4 times and they were lovely experiences for myself and my children

I have never been bored bringing up my kids

Good for you.
Ironing school uniforms, doing homework and thinking about what dinner to cook daily is boring for me.
As I am sure there are child free people who never get bored, easily amused.

It is posible to join new groups or take up new hobbies and meet new people post kids leaving home - my grandparents did this as did my IL.

I get it's better to have ongoing interest - but I've seen kith and kin pick up new activties post kids leaving home. I suspect some people post to get ideas about that.

We expect another big move post youngest leaving uni - few years off - new jobs new area to explore I'd be amazed if we didn't try and meet new people - thats in our 50s post kids being independent - we may move again at start of retirement - not sure.

We know an 80 year old niegbour of family doing a move closer to family - all moved away - but also to sheltered hosuing with a built in community - she quite excited about new area to explore and new people to meet.

I hated soft play. So I didn't do it. I hated Disney. So I did it once and never again.

I loved football, class plays, teaching my kids to read, taking them to the theatre and museums. Yes, some kids like museums!

MN is very binary. IRL both parents and the childfree can lead full, interesting lives. Most of us know and accept this.

It is posible to join new groups or take up new hobbies and meet new people post kids leaving home - my grandparents did this as did my IL.

Oh, of course. My own parents moved six hours away and basically started their lives over when they retired - they have a great circle of friends and are very active with hobbies and socialising. They're busier than I am these days

I suspect it's an individual thing as much as anything, I just think it's a shame when I see people dedicating their lives to their kids and then feeling so sad when they grow up.

I've said it before but I think longer term as children grow up they prefer parents and grandparents with their own lives and personalities rather than those that have no other identity.

Then why are you friends with them if they are so incredibly boring - I reckon if you said this to them they wouldn’t want to be friends with you any more so problem solved!

My point is that I don't think you can draw easy narrative threads about the lives of real, complex people.

In this thread are people (not you) saying childfree= lonely. And others saying too absorbed in their children= sad when older.

In reality there will be lonely childfree people, and purposeless older parents. And there will be people in all directions who regret their choices or outcomes. And there will also be people deeply fulfilled by the same decisions or outcomes. And people who don't regret them at all.

But saying any one of these choices will inevitably lead to outcome X is simplistic.

Do you not cook/eat daily? Surely it’s not only parents that have to cook/eat???

I don't think mourning the life you gave up is the same as regretting having kids. My kid is neurodiverse and quite a handful. I get virtually no time to myself and miss my independence. But I love the very bones of him and couldn't wish away his existence.