To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

I don't mourn my previous life at all, it was fucking miserable and lonely.

I was always out and about (nowhere to go but all the time to get there), with groups of 'friends' (and all the fucking drama that comes with that), dating (god dating was a nightmare), lived in shared housing with my best friend (you couldn't even fart in peace but too broke for anything else) etc... a 'carefree' life 'full of friend' what mumsnet loves to paint as a dream but really a case of 'always lonely but never bloody alone'.

I was wasting my life away, passing time, waiting desperately for something actually meaningful. I got that from my husband and children, a true relationship thats natural and effortless and full of unconditional love. They're the 5 people I like more than anyone else on earth, my best friend and 3 mini mes.

I would never want to go backwards. I feel sorry for people who picked partners that make them feel like they do (because honestly it seem its always due to resentment from unbalanced dynamics more than anything).

Not sure all of that can be contributed to “regret”. Sometimes it’s generations of abuse playing out, mental heath etc. It’s awful that it’s frowned upon to say you’re struggling because maybe these parents and kids would seek help earlier

I think people who have good support networks and relatively easy children will likely have different views in comparison to those with no support networks, higher needs kids etc etc….

l don’t think it’s necessary because people want to have more free time, but the world is a difficult place right now and with that comes worry about how difficult life will be for the next generation. It seems to be getting harder with each generation.

This is lovely. I enjoyed my life before dc but feel similar to you in that having a family brought something to my life that I didn’t know or have previously. Children are hard work but I’ve never regretted having mine for a second and can’t imagine doing so. Maybe some people aren’t able to negotiate life with children and have regrets about some of their choices but I don’t know that you’d ever regret bringing a new person into the world.

My Mum regretted having us and would tell us all the time! she wished she’d never had us, we’d ruined her life, her life was so much better before etc

I have 2 DCs and honestly I’m so happy I had them. I nearly didn’t as I was scared my Mum was right…. Not a day I have regretted them.

I don't mourn my old life, I enjoyed myself but I am far happier now and enjoy my kids. I'd spend all of my time with them if it was up to me 🤣 I'm looking forward to the future when they are a bit older and we can do different adventures together.

But yes, I think it is normal to consider the grass is always greener, or when going through a rough patch where you are swamped, and then there are the people shouldn't be parents.

Then my two oldest friends who I've known 35 years both chose to not have children. They love their lives and are constantly on holiday. But they are constantly doubting they made the wrong choice not having children, especially as we approach 40. At that point I let them spend an hour or two in my house and the madness soon puts them back to their original choice. They made the right choice for them, I made the right choice for me. I couldn't imagine life without my kids.

I think this is very true. I don't have children and I do feel regret around that. It's a regret for myself that I have missed out on a key life experience and the chance to create another loving bond. It's a selfish regret really.

However I do wonder that if I did have them, I might be feeling a different kind of regret. And that would certainly be related to the future challenges they might face in terms of cost of living etc, and how long they would need to work. There are a couple of threads running currently in which people discus how fed up they are of working. I think life can certainly be a bit of a grind - especially if there is less chance to retire at a reasonable age. Therefore I certainly don't feel at regret at having spared a poor soul this!

I also think about the end of my life a lot. I feel great regret that there will be nobody to love me, but also it gives me a certain kind of peace of mind that nobody will be devastated by my death.

I'm childless/free, but I imagine if I did regret having them I wouldn't ever voice it, not because of some determined stubbornness to dig my heels in, but out of love for the child(ren).

Imagine if you ever caught wind that your mum said this? 💔

Regret never makes much sense,as we don’t truly know what the other unlived path was like. It could have sucked even harder.

On the flip side you might not regret something at all - when in fact you should! As in that parallel universe where you weren’t child free you were shocked to discover that becoming a parent was actually the most fulfilling thing ever. Or in that other parallel universe where you couldn’t get pregnant you actually spent all that free time productively and became a published author.

I very much agree with the previous poster who said that some people will be unhappy and glass half empty whatever the case...

Assuming your children are just 'normal' level of hard - i.e. no significant health issues or challenges, and you're financially comfortable and safe in your relationship - there are some of the 'downsides' of having kids that can be reduced. i.e. many women martyr themselves and take on the entire family workload, or decide to pack in their careers, or (the one I'm seeing a lot of currently with friends/contemporaries) sacrifice their sanity and all their free time for 3 months to micro-managing their children's exams instead of just letting them get on with it and hoping for the best. All of these things are choices, and there are different ways to parent.

I am not a naturally 'mum-ish' type at all and maybe as a result have fought hard to maintain my career, my sanity, to ringfence my free time and ensure my marriage is an equal partnership. This doesn't mean that having kids has always been easy - sometimes it's been bloody hard - but I still love them more than anything and wouldn't be without them. And much as I love my career and value it, I don't think it's what I'll be thinking about in my final years/moments.

I completely agree with everything you’ve written. I adore my children and love them
more than anything in the world, however the worry about their future is sometimes overwhelming (one has special needs so it is different) and it causes a lot of anxiety and stress worrying about what will happen when I die.

I dread to think how old they’ll be when they retire (the one who doesn’t have SEN) and the way the world is now, with so many wars and uncertainty, it’s concerning.

There is a saying, you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child and that’s completely true.

I get this completely. I think you would absolutely be feeling that different sort of ‘regret’ if you did have them.

I mentioned earlier that I don’t regret having my children, and as far as I can tell, neither do any of my friends, but that we all worry about the world we have brought them into. We worry about them managing to buy a house, meeting a nice partner if they want to, the potential children they may have, one day leaving them when we die, anything bad happening to them. I remember an elderly woman that I met in a shop when I had my newborn in a pushchair, telling me that parenting is one of the best feelings in the world but that I will never be worry free ever again. She was very wise! Any worry I feel for me or my partner is different to that I feel for my children, even now they’re adults and teens. The responsibility that I have felt has been all consuming and overwhelming at times and it’s not something I have always cope with well.

I think whatever path we choose or whatever life throws at us, there will always be a part that says ‘what if’, that’s just human nature. Hopefully we all manage to get some joy from life whatever path we take.

That’s it though, I was quite late to the party and wasn’t convinced I wanted children, right up to my mid thirties, when I had my first. Had the gym/shoes/wine/dinners. But my kids are the absolute loves of my life, and have been the making of me. Of course it can be tiring and hard, and the path is far from straight-forward, so maybe this is where the perception of regret comes from, but it is 100% worth all the sleeplessness, worry and effort. They’re now mid-late teens, and I have never for one second regretted having them. I don’t want to re-live my twenties and pre-kids thirties. I’m glad my life is different now.

You haven't met someone who has an adult child with learning or mental disability. Both my mum and my sister worked with adults with severe and chronic mental health conditions. One in secure facility and one in restbight / daycare. The sacrifice, mourning and guilt of those parents is huge, there's happiness and reward too, but it's a difficult side of life to witness and almost impossible to imagine if it's not you.

I don't personally think 'alot' of people regret having children at all.

Do some people? Of course. People will always regret some of their choices in life.

People also regret not having them i'm sure.

I have never regretted it for a single second.

Absolutely this!!

The world has always been messy and gone through ups and downs. It would have been the same when we were born.

Difference is, we are absorbing negative news 24/7 because of phones.

I didn't have children and have not regretted that for a second. But quite a few of my friends who have children have told me, in confidence, that they love their kids but if they could have their time over again they wouldn't have had any. I think I'm a safe person to tell as I'm not going to judge.

Having said that, I heard that mostly when the kids were young and more demanding. I think most people experience some moments of regret when parenting is most trying, but hopefully don't regret becoming parents overall.

The ones with children and regret seem to be constantly scanning for approval and sympathy so we see a lot of those posts on MN. You'd have to be an arse to chime in with how much you personally enjoyed motherhood on threads like those.

I just think there isn't much point in having a discussion about how good it is - I mean, what is there to say about that - just nodding and agreeing that it's pretty good, it is hardly the foundation of a busy thread.

Edit: But, actually, of course someone would come along and accuse you of false consciousness or attribute your contentedness to a symptom of your lack of life experience or ambition- I've seen that a few times 🤣

@PITCHpink and @StillTheOne Thank you for replying to my comment. It's really interesting to see it being commented on from the perspective of parents. Obviously I am not pleased to hear that you worry for your children's' futures, but it is does reinforce my belief that either road can lead to regret. I wish both you and your families all the best. 🙂

No. It is not my experience, I have noticed people who I never thought would be parents, doing an amazing job, raising little people who they absolutely adore.
Most parents adore their children and want the best for them.

Of course, yes. But just because we don't have to concern ourselves with say bubonic plague these days, doesn't mean the worries of today aren't valid. It's just a different set of worries.

I didn't say otherwise ?

We would all be happier and less stressed if we stepped away from technology is all i'm saying ... troubles in life aren't new.

But would your life have been better if you hadn’t had kids?

No I don't think so. Children can be a lot of work but most people I know adore their children and wouldn't be without them.