To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

I don’t for a minute regret my children but I’ll regret who I had them with until the day I die

I do regret sometimes. I get no joy at all from them. But then I remind myself they're not really there to give me joy. And just to crack on.

I think there’s a massive difference between regretting having kids and having the odd moment where you think god I’d love to just not be responsible for a tiny human today. Regretting your kids must be a horrible thing to live with. It’s not always plain sailing with little ones but the love and joy you get back from them is indescribable.

I went out for dinner once with a group of six women. Random grouping. We were at school together and familiar, rather than friends. One didn’t have DC (not by choice). One confessed to regretting them - loved them, but if she had her time again wouldn’t bother. The rest of us didn’t regret and would have them.

My gut feeling is that that ratio probably works if you extrapolated it out to the rest of the population.

I don’t remember before kids much, but I was only 24 and I’m now 42. I wonder if having them later could mean more of a before life to miss?

If the second is true, we can never know whether the first is, can we? I certainly think there's a huge taboo attached to women saying anything negative about motherhood, as its seen as a self inflected issue, unnatural, indicating they're unfit for the role, and generally people respond with comments designed to make them feel guilty or they must be doing it wrong.

Have never regretted having my children. But I was so ready to have them when I did.

I can imagine if I'd had them when I was younger and hadn't yet achieved all I wanted to, I might feel regretful. Or if they had been born with intensive health issues that meant a complete lifestyle change, then that would be difficult to reconcile.

I do recognise often that I am super lucky and hit the jackpot where my children are concerned.

I suspect some people approach parenthood with a 'might as well give it a go' attitude and then find out too late that they don't really fancy it after all. Which boggles my mind.

There was a thread on here today where the OP was like 'I didn't plan on being pregnant but oh well, it's happened now' and I read something like that and just think WTF?!

I'm childfree and in my 40s and very happy I chose this route.

I don't imagine any of my parent friends regret having their kids. It's clear how much joy and pride they get from them, despite the challenges.

I'd say, once you're 40-odd and over, life can be tough either way. Getting older, peri/menopause, sick of work having done it for 20+ years, sick to the back teeth of chores, elderly parents in increasingly ailing health....

THIS!

I’m child-free but even I notice the rush to tear down anyone who dares enjoy parenthood. On MN of course. IRL everyone I know with children is openly besotted with them.

Tbh a poster (parent) has been on the Mumsnetters without children forum accusing us of gloating and being insensitive when we talk about the positives of child free life! I'm always glad to hear about happy parents but it does work both ways.

I never wanted kids then I did and they’re the best thing ever. I don’t know anyone who regrets having kids.
Yes, we all complained about sleepless nights, no lie ins and all the chores but we all love our kids enough to go through all this.

Of course some will have regrets but I think it’s a few rather than many.

I don't think so - though hard to really say.

I only know two women who will admit regretting having kids - one was MIL and she was had opposite view when he got independent and loves the GC and wouldn't be without. Other was a nanny and pre-shcool worker - I couldn't image any one more prepared.

I know many many more parents who say they wished they'd done it sooner or could have more - which doesn't suggest regretting the kids.

It depend on how life pans out though - it's a gamble and not for everyone and so many varriable - health of everyone, how releationshiop get impacted, work/life balances - even where you bring them up imact on parental happiness levels - what constraints you encounter.

Also depends on age of kids - happies people are apparently one with adult kids who live independent - but having young kids is hard work so will impact negatively.

They are best thing I ever did - and I've had some posters insist I must be lying or deluded. I'm not sure I'd have been as happy as a single parent though Dsis has done okay and seems happy but I would have found it easier with more social support and more money.

Quite! Some people here see the world in black and white.

I did, until DD was about 2. I loved her but my goodness did I mourn my old life. She’s 3 now and I don’t feel like that at all any more (though I do sometimes still wish for a weekend away with DH like the good old days…we were on the fence about DC for so long that our parents are too elderly to have DD for any prolonged period of time)

I think both sides romanticise tbh. I’m childree by choice and my life is different of course from when I headed into my 40s but the core principles of not being tied down by responsibility, ability to continue progressing your career and travel freely still remained. Even if I have less energy to enjoy them! For a certain number I’m sure they wonder whether they did the right thing not having kids but then they are also def people who have kids and it’s maybe not what they expected re behaviour issues/non stop costs and they will be wondering if they would have been happier with those childree core principles instead. It’s just human nature I guess, when things are going well for both types, they were be totally adamant they only ever feel one way!

When I feel fleeting regret, it is not because I haven’t had the life I wanted. I very much have had the career, travels etc. It is that when things are hard now, having kids feels very stressful.

I never knew how difficult some of the early young adult years could be when they have been facing struggles at university. That has caused me more stress than the previous 18 years put together. I wish I didn’t care about them and could leave them to it. But I do take on their worries and do still want to support them. At moments like this I think how life would have been easier without them.

However, I had wanted children since I was young and actually it has healed many of my sadnesses about having had a shit childhood myself. So overall, no regrets. But at stressful times, I do feel that way sometimes.

I think it’s fine to have moments of regret and pining. That’s human nature.

What happens when your kids grow up and leave home?

I think that regret, like other feelings, is complex and something that you can experience in fleeting moments or for brief periods of time. It doesn't have to be a permanent state and, in most cases it probably isn't. I think it is probably true that most people, on balance, wouldn't choose to erase their children if they could go back in time and start over. But a significant number probably experience moments of regret, or at least wonder about whether they might have been happier if they'd remained childfree, during times when parenting feels very challenging.

I think those who genuinely regret it all the time are few and far between. It’s completely normal when your toddler is being extremely difficult to think ‘if I was child free I could just sit watching telly and not deal with this’, but I don’t think that equals regretting becoming a parent. It’s normal to think about the road you didn’t take sometimes.

When people say that, I wonder if they have kids with special needs and that they are saying that they have not a second to dedicate to themselves.

Sure maybe some but how do you know a lot?

I think some parents feel regret when their kids are little and very demanding. As they get more independent life is far easier, in my experience.
My closest, oldest friend is childfree. Her life looked very different to mine when I had a young child. But now, in our late forties, there’s nothing she does that I can’t do too if I want.

I think total regret is more common amongst men, the number of uninvolved dads lends itself to that line of thinking.

I’m not sure people are ashamed to say they regret having children, more that others are more likely to shame them for feeling like that more so women.

Sometimes I think I wish I’d waited til later to have children, done a bit more with my life first and also wish I’d had them with someone else - not my exh.

But then I realise I wouldn’t have had the same children if that had happened and I just can’t imagine not having the exact two children then that I have. So then I don’t regret it at all.