To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Again, I never said it was a reason not to have kids - I just said that cooking for a family isn't the same as cooking for just one person.

When you cook for a family, you have to accommodate their tastes, allergies and intolerances, and their routine. You don't have to worry about doing any of that as a single person - you can eat what you want, when you want, without having to also consider someone else's needs.

FWIW I've never planned a meal for DH in my life - we each sort out our own meals.

Right, but you still had to feed and think about a meal for your toddler - which is not something you have to do as a single person.

Again, I'm not saying it's a reason not to have children, but let's not pretend feeding a family is the same as only ever feeding yourself.

You and your DH eat seperate meals and don't eat together? I find that a more depressing prospect than thinking about what to cook for my family.

My husband is coealic so I'm already used to catering for allergies. I enjoy cooking and planning meals and for me one of the best things about having a family is all eating together. To me eating is a social occasion and enjoying food and conservation together. I'd find it utterly depressing to live with a partner and eat seperate meals and not cook for one and another. But each to their own!

I am Asian and in my culture we don't make separate meals

I think that is why I find it stressful - I'm trying to avoid doing seperate meals but make sure there's enough everyone can actually eat and it be varried enough diet wise - that's partly as we do like to eat together as family.

I Bf long term introduced a wide variety of food at young ages- and still ended up with picky eaters - there's a lot of textural/sensory issues in family (ND/SEN abound).

I wouldn't claim it as a reason not to have kids - frankly surpised anyone would - but having a moan on here trying to get some alternative ideas or ways of handeling it seems failry normal - doesn't mean you hate the kids just the task can start to feel like a chore even if initally it was something I was excited about.

Exactly it isn't. As I said before I enjoy cooking so actually I prefer having a crowd now to cook for and with more people to cook for, I get more input into what to prepare for tea. For example I may need to only think of 3 meals a week and my husband and toddler will think of the others rather than having to think of 7 seperate meals for each person.

But what is stressful for one person isn't for another.

Absolutely!

That's a big assumption as I never said we didn't eat together, I said we ate separate meals and don't cook for each other.

I'm autistic and have sensory issues around food - especially with regards to texture and mixing of certain flavours, so I cook for myself. DH doesn't have those issues so he makes his own meals.

Nothing depressing about it.

Nope they have always eaten with us and dont have different eating times

I’ve had a few people admit that to me too. They feel they can’t admit it to other parents as they would be shamed but I’m safe as someone who made a choice not to have kids. I can’t say I haven’t had moments when I’ve regretted my choice but it’s all been a bit what if, rather than any real feelings.
my mother should not have had children and my grandmother was the same. They both did because it was expected and, in the case of my grandmother, little choice. Neither of them were happy and neither were good parents. In my mothers case she was full on neglectful. I guess I didn’t want to take the risk of bringing people into the world who would feel unloved like I did growing up.
but it’s lovely to hear of parents who don’t have any regret and are joyful and loving.

Yes exactly the same as pre-kids

Good for you 🙄

@Mylah

me and my husband are like that. Why is it depressing? Sometimes one of us will be working late or going to the gym or whatever of an evening so eating separately works better. What’s the issue?? Do you think I should skip going to the gym just to eat with him?

And again I don’t have to accommodate - they simply eat what we eat and don’t have different food

@Cherrytree86 I think some people have very narrow views of life and think anything that isn't done "their way" is depressing or weird.

So what would you do if your kids had severe allergies or intolerances? You'd have no choice but to accommodate.

When you only cook for one person, you never need to worry about that.

I was excited by cooking when PFB was 3.

They are now 19 nearly 20- youngest is 16 - so that nearly 16 years more family cooking.

I've also done the well if you won't eat that have toast - over three kids for over a decade plus and they still ended up hating some foods.

I don't think it's usual TBH - I know IL and my parents got fed up as we hit late teen years.

I'm taking it as a sign my kids need to do more meal prep and cooking themsleves and have slowly started pushing them to do just that and they'll do much more family cooking as pratcise for adulthood post exams.

I think was put forward as more a everyday task that gets annoying/takes more effort rather than a reason not to have kids.

Actually it is

I think was put forward as more a everyday task that gets annoying/takes more effort rather than a reason not to have kids.

Exactly. Just like having children creates more laundry. It's not a reason not to do it, but it's just something that will inevitably get pretty repetitive and frustrating after a few years.

But they don’t. You originally said that having kids meant having to cook, shop and change everything to cater for children - I was merely stating that for me and most parents I know this really isn’t the case - actually it would be more stressful and time consuming for me to cook just for me

Similar goes for the large amounts of childfree people who post here, convinced that everyone must regret having kids and can't seem to comprehend or understand that people enjoy having children or get joy out of their children. The narrow mindness works both ways.

I think conversely that people with kids are often actually more open about their gripes and “regrets” (wish I had more time for the golf, a couples only holiday, more money for a trendy car etc etc) because the having kids life is still the “norm”. Whereas I suspect a lot of child free people do have regrets or at least “I wonder what ifs” - but are a lot more loathe to admit it, as parts of society already “judges” them enough as is.

Oh my gosh absolutely this!! They just dont get it do they and can’t understand how parents can actually be happy with their decision to have children

Yes, because you're still having to cater for extra people, which (for most people, clearly not you) is extra effort and energy at the end of a busy day.

Well done you for not struggling.

I can totally see why people love their kids and get joy from it.

It's absolutely not for me though (would lead to sensory burnout within about a week)!

I know my mum struggled with the small children stage. As we became teens and adults we are a little girly friend group who go to the theatre, go for food, coffees, inspire each other when we are on a fitness drive or doing up our houses etc. I don't resent my mum at all for struggling when she had gone from an ambitious young woman working in the city, at the height if her career to climbing the walls indoors with two kids that were frankly boring and no match for her wit and intellect. Im just glad she did have us because as a mum to adults, she is great. A lot of women think being a mum is raising small children, but having a mum who struggles with that part usually means she may just be better suited to nurturing you at different life stages. Not everyone's personality can be entirely set up to being a maternal Mary Poppins type - doesn't make them less of a parent.