To expect DH to support me financially on maternity leave and increase the share of mental load

[Iris10000]

This is a long post but I hope I will get some response and advice. I have been going in circles with DH and it’s apparent we have totally different outlook on running the household and associated responsibilities. The argument boils down to two items:

• money and what happens when my maternity pay decreases. Just as a background we have two DCs preschool age and 4 months. Before maternity leave I worked part time 4 days earning £72k. DH works 5 days earning £35k. We both get bonuses. Mine is c£10k once a year and his is £400 a month. DH refused to have joint account so I take care of all bills and he has standing order to my account. He approximately contributes 35 percent of all bills and kids expenses. Some larger purchases for DCs and household are financed from my bonus and he doesn’t contribute. DH has more savings than me as a result of not always contributing to all expenditure. I am fed up of being responsible for all finances and not having one pot. I don’t like the idea of my and yours money but DH disagrees. I asked DH if he could support me on maternity leave when my wages are lower than his and especially the last two months when I don’t get paid. I thought this is fair as I have been contributing to household expenses more than him and I am happy to do that as that’s fair because I am the higher earner. He said he doesn’t want to hand over all his wages and that I should dip into my savings. I feel very emotional about this as I really want someone to take care of me and stop feeling like I am the house manager and DH is my son.
• Spinning from the argument above there is another argument about the split of mental load. I fully expect to do more when on maternity leave but I also did more when I was working. DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy. He also stated that he is tired in the evenings so cannot physically do more. He is of an opinion that I am unreasonably demanding and I should be more affectionate towards him as he doesn’t feel loved. This is totally irrelevant but crops up at every conversation I am trying to have with him so it’s always spun the way that I am the bad wife. Our split is as follows: DH - bins, help get older DC dressed and make her breakfast in the morning, being tidy which stems from his OCD tendency, play with both DCs when I cook in the evening, older DC bedtime but not bath, mow the lawns once every two weeks, iron his work shirts, play with DCs at the weekend, change nappy etc when we are all at home at weekends (yes he thinks this is part of his chores and counts). Me - preschool pick up and drop off when I am on maternity leave, meal planing, food shop, cooking, shopping for all household items eg bin bags, cleaning products and noticing when they need a top up, house cleaning every other week as we have a cleaner, buying, sorting, replacing DCs clothes, daily laundry, planning DCs activities such as swimming and taking them, all preschool admin and asking DH to take holiday for things like sports day or nativity so we can both go, looking after household finances, looking after DCs health (organise private health ins, taking to doctors, dentist when needed), changing beds, thinking ahead of the school holidays and organising clubs and my unpaid leave.

You outearn him significantly yet he has more savings than you because he doesn’t contribute
i couldn’t live the way you do
He sounds like a whiny man baby - doesn’t feel loved so can’t do more to support his family
yuck

You don't need us to tell you he is being unreasonable.

Would you be financially better off getting divorced?

Why are you still with him?
He doesn't pay towards his kids' upkeep. He just saves for him.
He doesn't think the kids are his job.
He doesn't think the house is his job.
He isn't an equal partner and wonders why you aren't affectionate.

I rarely say LTB but it really feels like ultimatum time.

He doesn't bring a lot to the table does he? Not money, not emotional or practical support, not sharing of chores.
He's making himself redundant.
I don't know what advice to offer you because I don't know how you convince someone who is fundamentally selfish to behave like a decent human being.
Yanbu for expecting a lot more from him though If that helps.

I feel like these are conversations for before marriage.

You’re heading for divorce. May as well get it over with and stop facilitating his life both financially and practically.

The alternative is living like a domestic slave for more years, and having to split your earnings with him for longer.

It’s not about him supporting ‘you’ whilst you are on maternity leave. It’s about whoever is earning more at the time, contributes more. You didn’t get yourself pregnant, so why should you use your savings?

At the moment, you contribute a higher percentage to household bills and expenses, as you earn more. When on maternity, he contributes more.

Work out what you will both be ‘earning’ during that time and agree a fair percentage. If he doesn’t want to do that, then he needs to start contributing 50/50 all the time and you can cover maternity leave with your a
savings.

DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy.

Oh. There it is. Another dud husband.

@LizGrant puts it’s well… he’s made himself redundant. You don’t need him and you don’t need to be needed by him.

So how was he any different after child number 1 then 2 now a 3 one and this surprises you? You can only do what you can do yourself

I think you already know the answer. I don't even know where to begin if he won't add more to the pot while you're on mat leave, but how on earth did it come about that he is saving more then you on a lower salary?

One small point, I would suggest having a joint account that you both pay into that the normal household bills come out of. You don't have to combine finances completely to create an account that separates your personal account from the main household running expenses. Ours is used for bills, kids' clothes & activities, food - anything that is family rather than me or DH. There is no reason why you should be subsidising this stuff day to day. If you both put a set amount into that account each month, and both top up when it runs low, you have a little more protection. I would argue it's not pooling finances, it's just an admin thing.

If I had to live off my savings while on mat leave because my partner didn’t feel like contributing any more of his income than usual, I’d rather be single. Honestly. I agree with the poster who says he’s making himself redundant… I mean, too tired to parent in the evening?! What are you then, a robot? He does more than any man he knows?? Absolute bullshit, and he does less than any man I know. Don’t take that for a minute. I honestly think you sit him down and say ok I’ve heard you. You don’t want to contribute any more if your salary even though I’m not earning because I’m looking after our baby (and by the way I also gave birth to them) and as well as not paying any more you also don’t want to do any more housework or parenting. I can’t make you do these things, but I also don’t have to live with a lazy entitled loser, so I’m telling you to leave. I need to protect my children from such poor role modelling in their primary home.

Carry on any longer with this and the resentment will only build.
He seems to have the mentality of what is yours is mine and what is mine is my own.
Not to mention guilt tripping you by turning it all around onto how he doesn’t feel loved enough.
The mental load is exhausting. You need a fair and equal partnership or you will continue to shoulder this burden for ever.

He refuses to have a joint account.

He should have 'personal money' but there's no reason why he should have more than you (especially when you earn more).

All money into one pot and both withdraw X amount into your respective personal accounts.

DH has more savings than me as a result of not always contributing to all expenditure.

This is absolute bullshit. You are carrying this man.

What is going to be difficult for you is you have let this go on so long / had multiple kids without addressing it.

At this point the nuclear option is probably.one of your only / best options.

I'd tell him to leave and move out. Now. Today.

If he wants an actual marriage and partnership you're prepared to listen and work on it but things need to fundamentally change.
But if he wont try and is insistent things stay as they are then I'd say you dont have any choice but to divorce him.

Yeah.

I would be tempted to wonder aloud how many of those colleagues of his who refuse to ever change a nappy also have a wife who is financially supporting them.

For what it's worth I don't think "being the breadwinner" is a good excuse for never changing a nappy.

But he's not even the breadwinner.

He doesn't pull his weight financially. He doesn't pull his weight with the kids. He doesn't pull his weight with the housework.

What exactly is the point of him?

You know the answer already.

This would have been a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t even have married my DH let alone had two children with him unless he agreed to a joint account. As far as I’m concerned we are partners in every way and support each other in every way.

He doesn’t sound like a partner in the true sense of the word OP. I’m genuinely shocked he doesn’t see your finances as essentially a joint pot after marriage plus 2 kids together. And even more shocked that he sees the financial implications of maternity leave as your responsibility to shoulder alone (hello, he got you pregnant?!). No wonder you are feeling uncared for.

I know there are people out there who have separate finances and contribute proportionally to a joint pot but I think that’s more unusual at this stage of things. I think it can work, but if that’s how you were playing things then you definitely should have significantly more savings than him as you earn more (unless you were a shopaholic or something but it doesn’t sound like that sort of situation). This in itself is very telling.

I agree the mental load and domestic responsibilities don’t sound fairly shared either. And I personally do think that women on maternity leave or who are stay at home parents should expect to do more of the mental load and domestic responsibilities generally. But this financial arrangement sounds jarringly unusual and not fair to you at all. I’d go so far as to say it’s a form of financial abuse. It’s not the sort of financial arrangement you’d expect to have at all at this stage of a relationship with someone who loves and cares about you. And I agree with a pp he sounds really selfish. And also with a pp who says you are heading for divorce unfortunately and it’s like to work out much better for you financially to do it sooner rather than later. I’m so sorry.

Unlike lots of others with similar arsehole husbands, you have some cards you can play here.

Option 1 - he steps up and supports you in maternity the way you’re supporting him constantly.

Option 2 - he doesn’t, and going forwards everything is split straight down the middle including ALL costs of the kids.

He can’t just cherry pick which bits of being a team he likes!

And then stick to it, whichever option he decides. If he picks 2, you’ll have your savings replenished in no time once back at work, as you’ll no longer be subsidising him financially.

Just tell him it’s over. He’s not bringing anything to the table at all. You’d be better off with him out of the house and paying a tiny amount of maintenance.

Perhaps if he realises that the gravy train is about to end he might be frightened into stepping up. But do you really want to be with someone for this reason and this alone?

If he doesn't help you when you are on mat leave and earning less or zero, going forward you go 50/50 on all bills and expenditures. You keep all of your bonuses too. He can't have it bloody both ways, pay less when he earns less but refuses to pay more when you earn less. Fucking useless twat. Xx

This isnt a marriage or partnership. You really should have sorted this before marriage and definitely before you agreed to have children with him. I don't know what compelled you to have the 2nd if he's been behaving like this from the 1st.

You need a joint account and have all the bills and agree to put a fair amount each in for bills and kids/family activities. He shouldn't have been able to save so much more than you especially as you earn a fair bit more. What is he doing with his money?

Personally I couldn't live like this and agree with those who would go nuclear in the situation. It's probably going to be your only option at this point. He doesn't see you as an equal though that's clear- you're there to carry him and support him all the while financing his lifestyle

As well as thinking he is completely taking financial and domestic advantage of you, this whole “he doesn’t feel loved enough” thing smacks to me of the sort of thing men say when they’re having an affair, just so you know.

So he earns 35k plus about £6k in bonuses (so call it £40k), you earn 72k plus 10k in bonus (so call it 80ish). So he basically earns half and yet only pays a third? Why have you allowed this to happen?

You each should have equal disposable income and equal downtime once all housework etc done. It's really not difficult!

If he doesn't accept these terms, then get rid.