To expect DH to support me financially on maternity leave and increase the share of mental load

[Iris10000]

This is a long post but I hope I will get some response and advice. I have been going in circles with DH and it’s apparent we have totally different outlook on running the household and associated responsibilities. The argument boils down to two items:

• money and what happens when my maternity pay decreases. Just as a background we have two DCs preschool age and 4 months. Before maternity leave I worked part time 4 days earning £72k. DH works 5 days earning £35k. We both get bonuses. Mine is c£10k once a year and his is £400 a month. DH refused to have joint account so I take care of all bills and he has standing order to my account. He approximately contributes 35 percent of all bills and kids expenses. Some larger purchases for DCs and household are financed from my bonus and he doesn’t contribute. DH has more savings than me as a result of not always contributing to all expenditure. I am fed up of being responsible for all finances and not having one pot. I don’t like the idea of my and yours money but DH disagrees. I asked DH if he could support me on maternity leave when my wages are lower than his and especially the last two months when I don’t get paid. I thought this is fair as I have been contributing to household expenses more than him and I am happy to do that as that’s fair because I am the higher earner. He said he doesn’t want to hand over all his wages and that I should dip into my savings. I feel very emotional about this as I really want someone to take care of me and stop feeling like I am the house manager and DH is my son.
• Spinning from the argument above there is another argument about the split of mental load. I fully expect to do more when on maternity leave but I also did more when I was working. DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy. He also stated that he is tired in the evenings so cannot physically do more. He is of an opinion that I am unreasonably demanding and I should be more affectionate towards him as he doesn’t feel loved. This is totally irrelevant but crops up at every conversation I am trying to have with him so it’s always spun the way that I am the bad wife. Our split is as follows: DH - bins, help get older DC dressed and make her breakfast in the morning, being tidy which stems from his OCD tendency, play with both DCs when I cook in the evening, older DC bedtime but not bath, mow the lawns once every two weeks, iron his work shirts, play with DCs at the weekend, change nappy etc when we are all at home at weekends (yes he thinks this is part of his chores and counts). Me - preschool pick up and drop off when I am on maternity leave, meal planing, food shop, cooking, shopping for all household items eg bin bags, cleaning products and noticing when they need a top up, house cleaning every other week as we have a cleaner, buying, sorting, replacing DCs clothes, daily laundry, planning DCs activities such as swimming and taking them, all preschool admin and asking DH to take holiday for things like sports day or nativity so we can both go, looking after household finances, looking after DCs health (organise private health ins, taking to doctors, dentist when needed), changing beds, thinking ahead of the school holidays and organising clubs and my unpaid leave.

Money is easy to fix. You force his hand by costing everything and splitting it 50 percent each. If that means giving up nicer food or him giving up personal leisure activities so he can afford his share then so be it. He will be the one feeling the pinch first. I'd prioritise the mortgage and essential bills but you can bet I'd be petty enough to live without WiFi or tv and eat just buy and cook for me and the kids if he won't budge.

Mental load. Fundamentally he has an attitude problem to women. He doesn't change a nappy with his penis so he isn't less capable.

FWIW when I was on maternity my husband took care of all bills and put half his leftover money in my account. He also did half the nights and split childcare 5050 when he wasn't working.

Unfortunately you haven't had kids with that sort of man (sorry I don't mean that bitchily) so you're only options are going to be:

• fight hard for an incremental improvement which he will make out you should thank him for as he's doing you a favour
• do nothing and just get on with it
• leave him

Men just seem to be like this these days, we take the load of everything, they’re useless! I divorced my husband as was sick of getting no support but looking back I didn’t communicate enough, map it out financially what you have provided over and above previously and ask him to support you while you look after his children - which allows him to still go to work. Alternatively tell him how life will be like for him if he is 50% responsible for the care of the kids if you separated, how much would he earn then working part time and how tired would he be. If he wouldn’t want 50/50 custody tell him how much he would have to pay you in child support for you to have full custody. Ask him to shape up or ship out. Show him this post and the comments also.
good luck

You really should have a joint account and I’d insist. YANBU. It sounds like he has never really quite grasped the idea of marriage. Yes, he thinks the child is yours and everytime he does something, like change a nappy, it’s a favour. I have a friend who was in a similar relationship who is now going through a divorce. He needs to change his ideas and fast. A joint account is the first thing he needs to agree to.

So this prince amongst men thinks he should only contribute 35% to the household bills even when you are earning nothing? And having his baby?

FGS OP! You know this isn’t even remotely ok. There is no way I’d continue a relationship with someone who clearly cared so little for me and his children.

Selfish, lazy, childish little bastard. Erghh!

I would never in a million years have a child with a man like this. Frankly I would rather be a single parent. Sorry OP. And good luck.

I’m not sure I’d want a joint account with this ‘man’
The OP can at least prevent the selfish shit from spending HER money with the current set up

If the earnings are an £80k/£40k split, he is earning a third of the household income, not half, so paying a third of the bills might be seen as fair.

(Obviously this isn't the full picture, as she is paying for some things on top of that, and the earnings split is different during maternity leave, so I''m not saying that this is fair at the moment. However your maths above is not right.)

Exactly. He brings NOTHING to the table
except penis and sperm and honestly a lot of men offer that and decent partnership.

If a man is doing little at home he better be an amazing breadwinner but this man is not even offering that

I would be tempted to wonder aloud how many of those colleagues of his who refuse to ever change a nappy also have a wife who is financially supporting them.

^^ OP, you only have his word about colleagues not changing nappies. It's classic control to make put like other people do or say things to skew your view of normal. Example:

• you think he should change nappies, DH says he shouldn't. Each party is represented 50%
• DH and all his work friends say men don't change nappies. Suddenly you doubt yourself because most people appear to side with DH.

He could literally be making that up and you wouldn't know (ignoring that he is actually wrong) but it suits him to say it.

Ah very true, thank you, it's been a long week! I vote for her giving the husband my shit maths calculation, as he sounds like a twat so he deserves it :-)

I think the split financially is fair:

The total household income is approx £120k.
She earns 2/3 of that and he earns 1/3 so a fair split.

But everything else is clearly unfair especially with her not earning on mat leave.

I would not be with this man

DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace

ummm he doesn’t do more than any man at all. Most men/partners share marital finances

He’s utterly unreasonable. And doesnt care about you

And definitely before TTC.

It doesn’t really matter what we say about what he should contribute. It’s up to him what he’s happy to accept, and up to you what you will accept.

He contributes less financially and in terms of facilitating a creating a caring and happy home. His arguments about why this is okay are entirely selfish, they show no appreciation for what you have been doing for the family for the last 4+ years and give no sense of him seeing your family as a partnership that should facilitate everyone’s happiness. I wouldn’t want to spend another minute with him. But I wouldn’t have had a second child with a man who wouldn’t pull his weight one way or another so your values and sense of self worth may be different.

Yup sorry - what is the point of this prince? He’s not pulling his weight financially or domestically and “wants you to be more affectionate”. I’d want to kick him in the shins personally and then call a solicitor.

Why do you keep having children with such a selfish article?

My DH would lie down in the road for me (not that I would ask him to).

You don't demand enough. The financial split is fair, until you get to the point where your maternity pay starts to drop. He should be upping his contribution. He should be doing this without having to ask frankly. And the household stuff is a joke. What is the point of him?

Goodness. And wives look down on single women?

Is this how you’ve been living, @Iris10000 - with a man who has to be scheduled to feed or play with his own children? And who doesn’t think they are his primary financial responsibility?

I’d rather live alone in a hole in the road.

I know one MN everyone says leave the bastard.

But to me being a family means being a unit. That means a joint account and joint finances after bills AND equal parenting.

Anything else would be divorce territory for me. It sounds like it may be for you but I would advise you think long and hard about it.

Why in the ever-loving fuck did you have three children with this useless man child?

I am increasingly convinced that the desire for motherhood convinces a lot of women to settle for any old rubbish when it comes to male partnership.

Paying in proportion means he should pay 1/3 and she pay 2/3 so in that he’s done nothing wrong.

forcing a 50:50 split on a lower earner is called financial abuse when a man does it

whether he pays a fair amount towards things over and above that regular cost is the bit where it sounds like he doesn’t, so that needs addressing. And when on Mat leave it should all change to the new proportions!

and not wanting a joint account, keeping some financial independence and savings is fine

It’s so bloody depressing to see these threads crop up on practically a daily basis - is motherhood really worth it?

Why did you have another baby with him? I presume things were the same when you had the first? Why do women do this. Anyway, having to beg your husband for financial support after having his baby is vomit inducing but it's not the first time it's been mentioned on Mumsnet. I would consider divorce. I mean, you might as well be on your own by the sounds of it and he isn't going to change.

Ah poor little poppet doesn't feel like he gets enough attention?

He needs to step up and stop being such a child (maybe then you'd start fancying him again, but for me, would take a long looooong time to forget how selfish he has been)