To expect DH to support me financially on maternity leave and increase the share of mental load

[Iris10000]

This is a long post but I hope I will get some response and advice. I have been going in circles with DH and it’s apparent we have totally different outlook on running the household and associated responsibilities. The argument boils down to two items:

• money and what happens when my maternity pay decreases. Just as a background we have two DCs preschool age and 4 months. Before maternity leave I worked part time 4 days earning £72k. DH works 5 days earning £35k. We both get bonuses. Mine is c£10k once a year and his is £400 a month. DH refused to have joint account so I take care of all bills and he has standing order to my account. He approximately contributes 35 percent of all bills and kids expenses. Some larger purchases for DCs and household are financed from my bonus and he doesn’t contribute. DH has more savings than me as a result of not always contributing to all expenditure. I am fed up of being responsible for all finances and not having one pot. I don’t like the idea of my and yours money but DH disagrees. I asked DH if he could support me on maternity leave when my wages are lower than his and especially the last two months when I don’t get paid. I thought this is fair as I have been contributing to household expenses more than him and I am happy to do that as that’s fair because I am the higher earner. He said he doesn’t want to hand over all his wages and that I should dip into my savings. I feel very emotional about this as I really want someone to take care of me and stop feeling like I am the house manager and DH is my son.
• Spinning from the argument above there is another argument about the split of mental load. I fully expect to do more when on maternity leave but I also did more when I was working. DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy. He also stated that he is tired in the evenings so cannot physically do more. He is of an opinion that I am unreasonably demanding and I should be more affectionate towards him as he doesn’t feel loved. This is totally irrelevant but crops up at every conversation I am trying to have with him so it’s always spun the way that I am the bad wife. Our split is as follows: DH - bins, help get older DC dressed and make her breakfast in the morning, being tidy which stems from his OCD tendency, play with both DCs when I cook in the evening, older DC bedtime but not bath, mow the lawns once every two weeks, iron his work shirts, play with DCs at the weekend, change nappy etc when we are all at home at weekends (yes he thinks this is part of his chores and counts). Me - preschool pick up and drop off when I am on maternity leave, meal planing, food shop, cooking, shopping for all household items eg bin bags, cleaning products and noticing when they need a top up, house cleaning every other week as we have a cleaner, buying, sorting, replacing DCs clothes, daily laundry, planning DCs activities such as swimming and taking them, all preschool admin and asking DH to take holiday for things like sports day or nativity so we can both go, looking after household finances, looking after DCs health (organise private health ins, taking to doctors, dentist when needed), changing beds, thinking ahead of the school holidays and organising clubs and my unpaid leave.

Could you perhaps have a joint account for bills, food, children's expenses etc and work out a fair proportion of each wage and transfer the money in? And have a sole account each.
There must be some good attributes to your husband or you wouldn't be having another child? Has he always been this way or slipped into bad habits?
May be a good idea to keep your sole account for spending on you and in case you do decide to break up in future.
Take care with the new baby x

Wow, what a role model he is for your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour for a parent?

He pays 35% of bills?

I suggest you work out how much it would cost him if you left him - his rent, all his bills and child maintenance and then point out that unless he covers 50% of bills normally and 100% whilst you on maternity then he will be a lot worse off when you leave

alternatively stop working for him for a week

don’t cook any dinner for him, none of his clothes in the laundry, and book a hotel for the weekend as you have done your work for the week

hou any as well go mad one way or the other as this is such a sad state of affairs and you deserve better

It’s depressing but also weirdly comforting. As somebody who is usually single I have sometimes wondered how so many other women seem to find it much easier to find partnership.
But the more I get an insight into so many of these relationships the more I realise my standards are keeping me single.

And I am fine with that.

I feel bad saying this but I genuinely don't understand how you have got into this terrible and unfair situation. I feel for you, I really do. You need to get out of this habit immediately. Both the financial situation and the chores/mental load. Go to a 50/50 finances straight away.

....and before children.

I can't help but suspect that he wasn't very keen on children and reluctantly agreed on the basis the bulk of the "kid" load would fall on the OP. Now the kids have arrived the OP is shifting goal posts. If that's not what happened then the OP should have said in advance no kids unless DH really steps up.

I really want someone to take care of me

Sadly grown ups don't get that. 😭 The best you can do is stay single and child free so at least theres nobody else to take care of and that ship has sailed.

Different day, same bullshit. I genuinely don't know how folks even respect these men, let alone repeatedly procreate with them 🤦🏾‍♀️.

For what it's worth, you're not being unreasonable to expect him to pull hos finger out...

You need to give your head a wobble and then wobble DHs.
Raising DC is a joint and shared endeavour and if he doesnt want to share finances, then you will stop sharing too and you will set up a joint account for finances and each will put in an equal share and see how he enjoys that. If he says it's not fair because he earns less then you can point out the hypocrisy of this given he refused to support you on Mat leave.

First you should have figured all thos out before marriage and definitely before kids. Thank goodness I have a hubby who not only works full-time and supports the family financially and we have a joint account from day one but also dives in when he gets home with chores, kids teas, baths,nappy changes and during the night wakes...Yes we look like zombies sometimes, but always on same page work together, share together and most of all lovingly communicate

What a prick.

I am all for marriage as it's good for couples, families and society but definitely think more people need to go on marriage preparation courses to discuss these things beforehand. Most people just focus on the wedding day. If people put as much effort into preparing for a lifetime of marriage, it would be even better. And some people might sadly realise they are not compatible before getting married, rather than shortly after.

I hope you are able to sort things out as you must have had something that brought you together, maybe that is still there.

He isn't contributing to your lives as he should do. He sounds like a loser

I don’t understand the notion of “agreeing to kids as long as your partner does more”.

It’s naive and ignores the reality of childrearing. Both should be criticised if they sign up to that.

Your on an amazing wage,your obviously a great mum .
I don't understand why your with him
He sounds dreadful and selfish.
Why would you want a joint account anyway,you out earn him.
I would seriously leave a man like that .
I am a SAHM of 25 years because I have a disabled son
All monies are in a joint account,I don't have to ask for anything
I'm appreciated because my DH knows he couldn't go to work if I wasn't at home .
Your DH doesn't appear to appreciate you

Exactly this.

It should be split on net earnings not gross - she will be paying more tax.

But this guy does not sound like a keeper. Can you support yourself and the kids without him? I don't see what he's bringing to the relationship, he certainly doesn't seem like an equal partner.

Jeezo. I couldn’t live like this. What is he actually bringing to your life? Not much by the sound of it. You’d be better off divorced, financially and emotionally.
.

Maybe what brought them together was shallow,
superficial stuff which isn’t what long term compatibility is built on.

If you were both earning his salary, I doubt he'd having the savings he has. You are basically subsidising him and he's not even intelligent enough to realise, that paying a bit more for a few months of maternity leave, still means he's overall got the better deal and to shut up so the gravy train continues long term.

Instead he's exposed himself as a selfish money grabber, letting you carry the Financial load on top of the mental and housework load.

Like others have said, why do you actually need him. I'm sure you'd manage quite fine on your salary with a bit of cms from him and putting the bins out for yourself.

He on the other hand is in for a shock when he realises 35k minus cms isn't exactly going to mean the savings he's got now continuing.

Based solely on what OP has said it is fair. I was responding to the poster whose maths made her think he was earning half the household income.

Hi @Iris10000

You didn’t really ask a specific question in you post so I’m guessing it’s just “am I being unreasonable, or is he” and it’s a resounding yes it’s him, from me and everyone else so far.

I don’t even think it’s about the money to be honest. When you twice his wage, he expects you to do all the drudge work. When you are on mat leave and not earning, he still expects you to pay and do all the drudge work. So his attitude isn’t about the breadwinner doing less, because you’ve always done more. It isn’t about spreading the financial load according to earnings, except when it suits him.

It’s about him thinking that his wife’s job is to both carry the financial load and also all the domestic and childcare load. He thinks it’s women’s work. He refuses to do anything as a partnership (accounts, financial load, physical load, mental load). You aren’t a partnership. If you got sick long term and couldn’t work, what would he do? What would YOU do? You are eating away your safety net (savings) to keep his lifestyle easy and his savings safe.

I can’t tell you what to do. But I don’t think he’s likely to change. So, it boils down to are you happy to live like this forever?

I really hate reading threads like this as it makes my blood boil that some ‘D’Hs behave this way. I can’t understand how their own mothers bring them up to be like this and think like this. I am probably being simplistic and it’s not fair to blame upbringing but it makes me cross to hear men thinking this is acceptable behaviour. I really hope your DH reads this thread and is prepared to change but I have my doubts. I think you need to think about whether you want to carry on like this and how it will probably just get worse in the future and whether that’s acceptable to you. Maybe he can take paternity leave or you can ‘go away for work’ for a week when your leave finished and see how he copes. Good luck whatever you decide.

I think the problem with that is if serious objective thought went into it there would be few marriages and few children.

You only have to look at gay men to see the life men really want - it doesn't involve children and a strong domestic life. Marriage and children is often achieved by slight of hand rather than sitting down up front and saying "I want 3 children and two dogs, I will stay at home and you will work and you will take on 50% of the housework and mental load.".

You only have to look at the arrangement of the couple in the OP to realize there was some serious horse trading to bring these three kids into the world. Paying most of the money and doing most of the work is not something you agree to if your partner is desperate to settle down and have children with you. You'd strike a much harder bargain.

I'm not criticising either of them. Just saying what I think happened.