To expect DH to support me financially on maternity leave and increase the share of mental load

[Iris10000]

This is a long post but I hope I will get some response and advice. I have been going in circles with DH and it’s apparent we have totally different outlook on running the household and associated responsibilities. The argument boils down to two items:

• money and what happens when my maternity pay decreases. Just as a background we have two DCs preschool age and 4 months. Before maternity leave I worked part time 4 days earning £72k. DH works 5 days earning £35k. We both get bonuses. Mine is c£10k once a year and his is £400 a month. DH refused to have joint account so I take care of all bills and he has standing order to my account. He approximately contributes 35 percent of all bills and kids expenses. Some larger purchases for DCs and household are financed from my bonus and he doesn’t contribute. DH has more savings than me as a result of not always contributing to all expenditure. I am fed up of being responsible for all finances and not having one pot. I don’t like the idea of my and yours money but DH disagrees. I asked DH if he could support me on maternity leave when my wages are lower than his and especially the last two months when I don’t get paid. I thought this is fair as I have been contributing to household expenses more than him and I am happy to do that as that’s fair because I am the higher earner. He said he doesn’t want to hand over all his wages and that I should dip into my savings. I feel very emotional about this as I really want someone to take care of me and stop feeling like I am the house manager and DH is my son.
• Spinning from the argument above there is another argument about the split of mental load. I fully expect to do more when on maternity leave but I also did more when I was working. DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy. He also stated that he is tired in the evenings so cannot physically do more. He is of an opinion that I am unreasonably demanding and I should be more affectionate towards him as he doesn’t feel loved. This is totally irrelevant but crops up at every conversation I am trying to have with him so it’s always spun the way that I am the bad wife. Our split is as follows: DH - bins, help get older DC dressed and make her breakfast in the morning, being tidy which stems from his OCD tendency, play with both DCs when I cook in the evening, older DC bedtime but not bath, mow the lawns once every two weeks, iron his work shirts, play with DCs at the weekend, change nappy etc when we are all at home at weekends (yes he thinks this is part of his chores and counts). Me - preschool pick up and drop off when I am on maternity leave, meal planing, food shop, cooking, shopping for all household items eg bin bags, cleaning products and noticing when they need a top up, house cleaning every other week as we have a cleaner, buying, sorting, replacing DCs clothes, daily laundry, planning DCs activities such as swimming and taking them, all preschool admin and asking DH to take holiday for things like sports day or nativity so we can both go, looking after household finances, looking after DCs health (organise private health ins, taking to doctors, dentist when needed), changing beds, thinking ahead of the school holidays and organising clubs and my unpaid leave.

Thank you all for your comments. Just a bit of clarification: we have two DCs, my punctuation was non existent there! I did consider going solo but it’s not straightforward. I still think of good times we had in the past and ways to make DH realise life changed after kids and he has to adapt. I did some research and calls about finances post divorce and my understanding is that I might be worse off as he might get a higher share of the house equity as a lower earner if he wants to have 50/50 custody. And frankly not seeing DCs half of the time would break my heart. Our only way is to talk but I don’t know how as he refused marriage counselling .

So there is a need for financial flexibility for the sake of fairness, in terms of it not being 50/50 with who contributes what, but only when it benefits him?
Also, I’d be tempted to tell him that the cavemen at his work probably have that attitude as they are the breadwinner and feel entitled to act like bellends, but he doesn’t even have that excuse as you’re the breadwinner and he refuses to support you financially while you’re on maternity.
If I were you I’d be having a serious think about what he actually does bring to your life.

Bloody hell, sorry is this someone else's baby or his? If its his then he needs to grow some balls and contribute to HIS baby mother's expenses.
Don't put up with this shit.
He's not much of a man is he, I'd have lost all respect for him by now much less had more kids with him.

christ alive I can’t stand these men who think being male means you can’t take care of your children or change a nappy;he’s just a cock lodging,incompetence financially abusive twat who taking you for an absolute ride.

Get yourself over to the bridging the gap group on facebook;it’s a real eye opener.

This. Asking him to support you is like asking him to babysit for you. It's the wrong question stemming from the wrong premis that the children are solely yours and anything he does for the family is helping you out with your responsibilities - exactly as though he were your older teenage son from a previous relationship or your much younger brother who's lodging with you to help out a bit and you'd chosen to have a(nother) couple of children now with an anonymous sperm donor... 🤔

DH realise life changed after kids and he has to adapt.

Something that should have been spelled out loud and clear both ways before TTC.

I posted just after your last update. If you want to work it out with him I’d be tempted to do your own research. If he feels comfortable talking about the division of labour with his work colleagues you should talk about that and the financial situation with your friends and family. Then you can tell him how shocked and appalled every one was he refused to support you financially and practically and see if the shame helps him to reevaluate.

And also @Iris10000he’s definitely not going to want 50/50 custody of two kids he doesn’t think are his physical or financial responsibility.

Well for a start I would be telling him he needs to contribute more. He should be contributing 35% to all outgoings not just the monthly bills, and that needs to start now

He also needs to support you when on May leave, not assume you cover via your savings if he insists savings are used the he provides 50%

I would point out that your working hours cover your job, plus all your tasks, so in effect you are working far more hours than him. If he doesn’t agree then I would not be doing his washing, ironing, or anything else he wasn’t doing, he can do it himself

he sounds very tiresome

He may not want 50/50!
Is any of the house deposit ring fenced
You've been paying most of the mortgage.
Such a shame you got married.
But on your salary I'd still go for divorce in your shoes

I would stop immediately doing anything for him ,no washing,no ironing,no cooking untill he starts to contribute properly

“DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy.”

I have no idea what sort of misogynistic company he works for, but I can only speak as I find, and in both my DC and DSC’s families, the husbands change nappies and take responsibility for the DC during the night, as well as sharing bath times and bedtimes when possible. I am full of admiration for my DS and DSILs as when my children were little, it was unusual indeed for a father to be as hands on as is now the norm, and it would seem that your DH is out of step with what most modern husbands seem to accept as a normal part of parenthood. While you’re on maternity leave, he can reasonably expect you to take more of the domestic load, but that doesn’t mean that he gets a free pass!
As for finances, I would find your DH’s attitude both hurtful and negligent - does he take ANY responsibility for his DC? Expecting your DH to support you when you’re not paid and on maternity leave should be a given - I’m not seeing that he’s bringing much to the party. You have enabled him to amass the savings he has: he is now being downright mean and unreasonable in not expecting to contribute to household expenses while you’re not at work. If he wants a family, it doesn’t come for free, and you and he should be a team, pulling together for the good of your children, rather than him being needy and wanting to keep all his money for himself.

Did you not have any conversations about this before pregnancy OP, or in your previous pregnancies? 4 months into maternity leave is really a bit late to discuss finances for that period, especially if his income wouldn’t actually cover the bills.

Your set up doesn’t really make sense to me to be honest, having separate money & savings while married with 3 children just feels overly complicated.

If he wants a family

That's the question. If he was lukewarm about the family then it would explain why he's not pulling his weight now a family has arrived. And if he did want a family then the OP was in a very strong position to give him a large list of domestic and financial responsibilities up front. "OK, we'll have Children, but you'll need to do this.".

Even if he wants 50/50 given his low level of support and help now I think he’d be hard pressed to argue for it. And even if it were awarded I’d give it 6 months and he would be rowing back on that.

Whilst it may sting to give over more of the house than he’s paid into, it will be more financially prudent in the long run to cut your losses now.

No kids but I ended things with my lazy round the house ex who earned half of what I did. Yes he did well out of the house sale, but I’ve made back that money in three years without having him spending my cash

God love you, thats some loser you have chosen to have 3 children with.
You poor woman.

Stop paying for ANYTHING that benefits him.
Any subscriptions.
Stop laundry or buying any food he likes.
Cut expenses to the bone.
Start saving quietly.

He is a loser and they don't change.
Tell your family and friends the truth about him and for goodness sake stop having sex with him.
Mind yourself OP.

I’d keep separate finances from this man too. There’s no way op should give him full access to her earnings once she’s off maternity leave

Dump him, get a nanny and go back to work.

You do not need us to tell you he is being unreasonable but sometimes someone saying what things could be like can really help you to see just how unhealthy your situation is. I have seen varying degrees of financial management over the years and the couples that appear to stay together are those that have full financial transparency. (This is once there are children, I think things can be a little different before then.)

such as

joint accounts
joint savings and investments
joint debt - mortgages etc
Being able to make decisions about how to manage the future and finding ways to manage this together (like going part time / career changes)
not arguing about money
supporting purchases even if you don’t agree

being able to have difficult conversations/disagreements about the above and it not spiralling into a row.

I think these values generally show up quite early in relationships - I would reflect- was this the case. If do you have a problem and it will be a long hard road to divorce unless things change.
If it is a new trait maybe there is some underlying stressor making him behave this way. For example after our second child arrived my husband sold his family car and bought a small totally unsuitable budget type car, he was panicked about another child arriving, we sat down went through everything and it was fine.

good luck OP - you don’t have to live like that.

Do you really think he would push for 50/50?
Your babies are still young and you are clearly primary career - so I don't think 50/50 would be likely if that isn't what you wanted.

I am so sorry that you are married to a man like this OP. I bet it just sort of snuck up on you.

LIke others, I actually don't believe this relationship can last. I am sorry. I'm not saying LTB, but I am saying that I suspect in 5 years it will be over anyway. You'll have given up because of his uselessness or, sadly, he'll have decided that you make his life too difficult and get his head turned. I'm sorry, that's an awful thing to say to someone but i believe it 100%. s

First, you have to even out finances. It's INSANE that he won't accept that the pot is smaller when you're on maternity leave. I think the only way aroudn this is to make it clear that as you are meeting too many of the household bills you will no longer be contributing to his bills in anyway. Perhaps invoice him for food and childcare while you're on maternity leave etc. Obviously, he will refuse to pay, but perhaps it will bring clarity.

I did some research and calls about finances post divorce and my understanding is that I might be worse off as he might get a higher share of the house equity as a lower earner if he wants to have 50/50 custody. And frankly not seeing DCs half of the time would break my heart.

Do you reall yhtink he'll be having the DC 50/50 of the time? Not a chance. Especially if that means he has to pay for 50% of the childcare costs that will be necessary.

Also, the finance thing is a sunken cost fallacy. even if you DO have to give him more, the sooner the relationship ends, the sooner you have time to build up your assets and earnings again, without having to share them with him.

I was married to someone very like this. The key word is WAS. He sounds useless. What IS he bringing to the table? It doesn't sound like it's money, or affection or great parenting skills, or help at home. I hope his cock is made of gold because that sounds like it could be the only thing on his side!

Set out what you need from him financially and support and tell him if he doesn’t it will be over

i suspect given the fact that you sacrificed your career it probably would be 50/50 as could he earn more if needed, would he want 50/50 and remember savings are joint as well

This post has clear good advice.

and to reiterate (and speaking from experience) "He is a loser and they don't change."

In all seriousness, may this kind of marriage never find me.

He needs a SERIOUS conversation about fairness and division of finances & labour. Why should mat leave be at your expense? I presume the baby is 50% his?

He would be significantly less comfortable financially if you were to leave him, so I suggest he picks his ideas up ASAP, otherwise you would be better off on your own.