This is a long post but I hope I will get some response and advice. I have been going in circles with DH and it’s apparent we have totally different outlook on running the household and associated responsibilities. The argument boils down to two items:
- money and what happens when my maternity pay decreases. Just as a background we have two DCs preschool age and 4 months. Before maternity leave I worked part time 4 days earning £72k. DH works 5 days earning £35k. We both get bonuses. Mine is c£10k once a year and his is £400 a month. DH refused to have joint account so I take care of all bills and he has standing order to my account. He approximately contributes 35 percent of all bills and kids expenses. Some larger purchases for DCs and household are financed from my bonus and he doesn’t contribute. DH has more savings than me as a result of not always contributing to all expenditure. I am fed up of being responsible for all finances and not having one pot. I don’t like the idea of my and yours money but DH disagrees. I asked DH if he could support me on maternity leave when my wages are lower than his and especially the last two months when I don’t get paid. I thought this is fair as I have been contributing to household expenses more than him and I am happy to do that as that’s fair because I am the higher earner. He said he doesn’t want to hand over all his wages and that I should dip into my savings. I feel very emotional about this as I really want someone to take care of me and stop feeling like I am the house manager and DH is my son.
- Spinning from the argument above there is another argument about the split of mental load. I fully expect to do more when on maternity leave but I also did more when I was working. DH is of a view that he already does more than any man and partner he spoken to in his workplace as they don’t even change a nappy. He also stated that he is tired in the evenings so cannot physically do more. He is of an opinion that I am unreasonably demanding and I should be more affectionate towards him as he doesn’t feel loved. This is totally irrelevant but crops up at every conversation I am trying to have with him so it’s always spun the way that I am the bad wife. Our split is as follows: DH - bins, help get older DC dressed and make her breakfast in the morning, being tidy which stems from his OCD tendency, play with both DCs when I cook in the evening, older DC bedtime but not bath, mow the lawns once every two weeks, iron his work shirts, play with DCs at the weekend, change nappy etc when we are all at home at weekends (yes he thinks this is part of his chores and counts). Me - preschool pick up and drop off when I am on maternity leave, meal planing, food shop, cooking, shopping for all household items eg bin bags, cleaning products and noticing when they need a top up, house cleaning every other week as we have a cleaner, buying, sorting, replacing DCs clothes, daily laundry, planning DCs activities such as swimming and taking them, all preschool admin and asking DH to take holiday for things like sports day or nativity so we can both go, looking after household finances, looking after DCs health (organise private health ins, taking to doctors, dentist when needed), changing beds, thinking ahead of the school holidays and organising clubs and my unpaid leave.