AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I’ve seen these types in the wild (thank god not my MIL though, she’s a dream) so I know they exist, but as OP replies more and more I felt exactly the same. It’s ticking all the boxes for a typical MN rage bait thread.

Fair point

The laughing response has disappeared 😀

You sense something is off but have you ever considered that perhaps it’s nothing to do with your DIL and they have something else going on in their lives?

Also, if my MiL buys DH a novelty gift whilst travelling, she would buy me one too.

You’ve posted about this before I think OP? I recognise now the examples you’ve given, e,g. the times you call him and the souvenir thing. Looks like your relationship hasn’t improved.

As PPs have said, there could be any number of reasons why you are where you are. One of them could be your son just doesn’t like you very much at the moment and is resentful of the contact he has with you. That’s a harsh truth. How might you deal with that, if that’s the feedback you get from your youngest, when he speaks to him? Are you willing to accept that maybe it’s you that has a problem?

No it’s not normal to gift your own child once they are married unless you gift their partner too (unless it’s their birthday or possibly a pre-arranged trip like the theatre or sporting event that they have agreed to and the partner doesn’t want to attend). I’d be hugely upset if my MIL started gifting my DH and not me, and equally my parents would never dream of gifting me without getting DH something.

Speaking every day when they are adults sounds a bit much. I do think you could be the problem here.

Gosh OP, you don’t help yourself at all. You wanted undivided attention 3 x a week when they don’t see much of each other? It’s too much.

Take a leaf from my MILs book. Since the day we met, she has treated me as one of her own in terms of gifts and attention. She buys vastly better gifts than my own mum, because she listens, and because we spend time together as a family. She also treated my child from a previous relationship the same way. I dare say she felt in some ways similar to you, but instead of focussing on DH and feeling hard done by, she expanded her already loving heart. The result is that while he would still balk at 3 x a week, I speak to her daily, see her weekly, choose gifts for her too and make sure my children value and adore her as she deserves. She is his life partner, not you, and all this blaming her is just a deflection. If you’re really concerned she is controlling him (she’s not), bring them both closer with love and care, stop alienating her and therefore both of them. You don’t have to smother either of them, but things don’t need to be this hard. Families come in many forms and if what you really want is to maintain that bond with your son, accept it’s changed nature and embrace the new normal. Otherwise I think you’re just disgruntled you’re not the centre of the world.

THIS

Hi 👋 I’m the daughter in this scenario. If I’m busy I’ll ask my husband to answer the phone so it doesn’t go to voicemail (which would annoy my mum much more than him answering the phone). If I was on the phone to my mum and my husband came home from work, I’d wrap up the call because I want to speak to my husband. I imagine “jumping”into the conversations could be annoying but I’m pretty sure that means the call must either be on FaceTime or speaker and she can hear the whole thing, which arguably is pretty rude if you don’t want her to also join in the conversation. I’d be annoyed and pull away if my mum was phoning me all the time for a chat too. Your son and his wife have been together 14 years (yes I know married for 5 but that’s doesn’t make a difference to the length of time they’ve actually been together) of course you’re not his priority.

This poster calls her mum every day because she wants to. You son could call you every day if he wanted to. He obviously doesn't want that. Insisting on a 15 minute phone call every two days is ridiculous if he obviously doesn't want that.

You have set yourself up in competition with your son's wife. That is quite disturbing.

If it is real then clearly he is not interested because you treat his wife so shabbily

Honestly, OP, I think you sound like the problem.

My lovely MIL is dead now, but she absolutely treated me like her own daughter when she was alive. My own lovely mum has sadly gone too, but she always treated DH and BIL like her own sons. Obviously, there is a difference between your own child and their partner, and you're never going to love them the same, but treating their partners/spouses like equal family members is a way of showing love and respect towards your own child imo.

If my mum bought gifts, then they would have been for us as a couple, or if she bought things for me individually, she would have bought something else for DH to balance it out. She was always happy to speak to him on the phone as well as me, because she saw him as having become a part of her own family.

I quite often qnswer DH's phone whereas he never answers mine. In your book, that apparently makes me controlling. The reality is that he has asked me to answer it if it rings and he is in a different room. I don't actually like answering it but I do because I know he finds it helpful. He doesn't answer mine because I know he prefers me to leave it. Personally, I think you should be grateful that she is willing to pick up when she sees that you're calling.

I think calling every 2 days is excessive. I was very close to my mum, and we used to text a lot, but I would have found it too much if she had expected a phone call every other day.

If she's buying little gifts somewhere, my mother in law would always pick up something for her daughters in law, as well as her sons (although equally none of us would be so rude as to ask).

I’d be ok if my MIL bought something for my DH that she saw and thought he’d like on an odd occasion, I’d be pissed if she constantly bought him gifts and ignored me. As I am sure he would if it was the opposite way round. It’s rude and disrespectful.

You seem to resent your DIL being there. Have you tried embracing their family and including her in things you do? As much as you may not like it, she is your family too.

Better job opportunities. Plenty of adults move away from their home town.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it sounds like the behavior you are finding concerning may be more to do with his relationship with you rather than with his wife (from what you have posted).

For example, him ending the call with you when his wife gets home could be his ‘excuse’ to finish the call with you as 3 times a week is excesses. I think especially as it is set times rather than being a meaningful call when you both have something to talk about.

Do you text each other? Or have a family group chat set up as that can be a good way to communicate between less phone calls. Like sharing where you have been one day or something funny you have seen. It will just take the pressure of the phone calls off him it keeps you in communication with all of you.

Also try backing off (apart from texts) for a bit and see if he calls you.

probably better to back off and of your relationship is good he would know to talk to you if something wasn’t right.

My MIL reported me for ‘coercive control’ and accuses me all the time of stealing her son ! Thinks he should put his family first (them) rather than his wife and dc!

No, his wife is his priority now. You need to take a step back.

I sometimes answer my husband's phone when his Mum rings. It's usually because he can't be arsed talking to her but I don't want her feeling rejected so answer on his behalf. That is the act of a caring DIL not a controlling wife!

I don't think a single person has said you are required to love your DIL the same as you love your son. That seems a typical strawman type of response from you, which is just one of the red flags littered throughout your posts.

Whilst you may consider it "insane" to treat your son and his spouse equally in terms of gift-giving and communication, clearly that is not a universally held belief. Lots of posters here are telling you they treat their children-in-law equally, that they are treated equally by their parents-in-law, and - most importantly - your son is telling you that it's important to him that you treat his wife equally to him because they come as a package. Another red flag is the fact that you are completely unable and unwilling to consider other viewpoints beyond your own. This is further demonstrated by looking at the length of your replies to the small number of posters who agree with you, compared with your replies to the vast majority who don't.

Your son gets off the phone when his wife arrives home and you have concluded that "he has to". You seemingly have no evidence to support this, but it's something that would prop up your beliefs if it were true, and so you've latched onto it. It sounds to me like he's just happy to see his wife after they've worked long hours and he wants to get off the phone and spend time with her.

I think the fact that she answers his phone is sweet. He is occupied and can't get to the phone, and she is making sure your call isn't unanswered. Perhaps she assumes you care for her and see her as an important part of the family (which would be normal) and she just assumes that it's a nice thing for you to speak to each other every now and then. Another red flag is that you see her as such a threat that even this is manipulated by you into something sinister.

Ditto the asking for gifts. I think it sounds lighthearted and they are just assuming that there's a normal desire for a warm connection between you all.

I don't understand why you keep saying "everyone would react differently if this were a daughter and SIL". No they wouldn't. You could easily be describing my sister and BIL and there's nothing problematic about their marriage.

From your brief descriptions of your son and his conversations with you, I think he'd be horrified to learn the depth of your jealousy and resentment for his wife. Despite your claims about your DIL, it's actually you who sounds extremely controlling. You are insisting on a dynamic with your son that he does not want or accept, and if you don't listen to him and stop your crusade to retain the kind of one-on-one relationship you had with him as a child, you will lose him completely.

We do. I did. I still speak to my family regularly because I want to and I would move back in a heartbeat if it were feasible.

Your son doesn't want the level of contact you do. Would he move back? Or does he like his space so much that 13 hours is necessary to him?

You might come across as controlling by not respecting or allowing him to actually BE independent. Maybe he’s trying to engage his wife in the calls so the three of you all get along?

Jesus christ... and you cant see your behaviour is part of the issue 😅😅😅😅

You have to be winding us up with this

I'm genuinely shocked at the way this thread has gone.

As @MyCyanShaker rightly said, if this was a thread about her daughter and her daughter putting the phone down as soon as her husband got home we would be rightly suggesting this wasn't a healthy or safe relationship

I love hearing DH on the phone to his parents, I can't imagine expecting him to put the phone down as soon as I got home.

Aagh, too late to edit but that should have said that he doesn't answer my phone because he knows that I prefer him to leave it!