AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

THIS
As I mentioned many posts ago.
Your son has picked his side.
His wife.
She is the love of his life

His wife has already won.
Stop trying to compete

The OP of that other thread has posted on here, unsurprisingly supporting the OP. Kindred spirits in their lack of self-awareness and complete unwillingness to take any advice on board that isn't unconditional support for their actions.

I love it that people are still responding like it never happened! 🤣

You sound totally insufferable. Dil is answering the phone because he doesn't want to. It's not her, it's not him, it YOU!

Phoning your adult child every 2 days, wanting to buy him little presents, not wanting to buy anything for his wife - you may think this is normal and understandable, but I would find it suffocating as your child and aggravating as their spouse. Talking once a week at a convenient time for both of you sounds reasonable, but this constant phoning which never gives him the opportunity to call you, and wanting to buy him love tokens, is weird. If you want a loving relationship, you are going about things the wrong way and are coming across as demanding, controlling and trying to push his wife aside so that you can get a stranglehold over him yourself, even if this is not your intention. You can’t force your child to be the dutiful son you want him to be.

It may be worth talking to the brother he is closest to, to see if he has become distanced from him, too. If he hasn’t, then you’ll know not to worry - it’s you he’s distancing from, not everyone. If the latter, you should give some thought to whether you are actually babying him and giving the distinct impression you don’t like his wife.

I spotted a Daring Eagle on this thread being suspiciously supportive (although in a totally different posting style) but not a Fast one but it's a speedy thread! Either way I'm 99% sure fast eagle and OP are the same person.

Your DS is likely feeling smothered and also that you are not valuing his wife.

Pull back to once a week and put some real genuine effort into caring for his wife. There are family members I don’t click with but I take a fake it until you make it approach. It does work!

It seems to me if their is a controlling woman in this narrative, it is you.
You have no rights over your so sons time. Why not listen to some of the sound advice that has been given in this thread and make it so he wants to speak with you rather than manipulating and coercing him into communicating with you.
Respect his wishes in regards to presents. He wants you to buy her stuff too so do it or don’t buy for either.
You have got yourself into a power struggle you are not going to win.
Get yourself a hobby.
Just let go and let him come to you.

I have to echo other posters.

When my mum is driving me mad I pretend my husband needs me, or I use him coming home as an excuse. Or the kids. It’s the only way to end the call when she is going on about something. Being truthful gets me into lots of trouble, so I lie.

My DH used to call his Mum every three weeks or so, sometimes less often and it used to blow my mind. Every two days is a little bit much when your son and DIL are busy and have so little free time: so the issue, I’m afraid, is you. Why not go a while without calling or call once a week and see how much he actually wants to speak to you. I’m imagine it’s every few weeks. You don’t have any rights to his time or attention. You might wish he wanted more to do with you but he’s moved on.

As a DIL if my PIL went on holiday and brought back trinkets, I’d expect them to be for the kids but I’d find it very strange if his Mum bought a souvenir for just her son. It’s not a birthday gift, it’s a cheap present that’s supposed to show you are thinking about someone and what you say here is that you thinking of your son as a single person, like he was before, and therefore invalidating his marriage. They are trying to tell you something and you are not listening and turning your DIL into a monster when in truth, the problem is you.

OMG have you actually read anything else on these 30+ pages of responses? It's all about your projections, you create these stories in your mind and you seem to be totally incapable to even consider that there is another way of seeing these situations.
Your son is incredibly tollerant, if it were me I would have put a stop to this rigid calling schedule, it is ridiculous. Particularly with the f8x schedule, so you call him on Sunday, which might well be a day off when he might want to enjoy time with his wife and at the end of the conversation he must be thinking, oh God this is happening again tomorrow because you have to call Mondays too. Of course he sounds edgy, an adult with his own family having to obey to a rigid schedule imposed by a controlling mother who openly despises his wife.
Here is an idea, ask him how he wants to communicate with you and actually listen. Not like you do with the gifts issue where your son actually told you to treat them as a unit abd you are ignoring him.
Respect goes both ways, show some respect to your son. He is obviously going above and beyond to put up with your despicable behaviour.

@MyCyanShaker this is what we are all (probably also your DS and DIL) wanting you to say:

'I am sorry. I realise that I have been forcing myself into your lives and making it all about me. I call too often and obsess too much.

I realise you are both living busy lives and I care for you both deeply. What can I do to support you both? How can I help?

Oh, and by the way, I am going to stop with my relentless calling. It would be lovely if you could call or update me weekly, but I understand sometimes life gets in the way.

Meanwhile I will be busy living my own life, but will always be here for you both.'

Try it in the mirror then try saying it to them.

You are the problem here.
You need to get some therapy. Everything you say about DIL is actually you
https://www.bpc.org.uk/information-support/find-a-therapist-or-clinic/

@MyCyanShaker I haven't read the full thread because it's v long. However, you do seem to be being v unfairly attacked! I do understand your concerns and speaking to your other children for advice, and to check out he's ok, is a good idea.

I do think calling more than once a week is a bit much. If he'd like to speak to you more than that, leave him to call you.

I think it's probably all fine, but do ease off on the calling, and ask your other son to checkout with your ds that he's ok. If he is, you don't need to worry

I suspect you are so threatened by/jealous of your DIL that you are being deliberately excluding of her and calling your son at inappropriate times and frequency to deliberately intrude on their time together in an effort to make him 'choose you' to spite her, and he's reacting to that by not wanting to talk to you at all because he doesn't want to play your silly game and finds you really annoying.

The souvenir thing is just weird. No adult needs a mug or whatever tat from every parent's holiday, but to insist on getting him one and deliberately leaving out your DIL is just antagonistic. Do you get your grandchild/ren a souvenir too? Or is it just your son?

@MyCyanShaker I'm not going to offer an opinion on your concerns about your son and his marriage, as you've had plenty on this thread, however I have a friend who is experiencing, almost identically, your situation with her son and DIL.

My warning: My friend, her son and DIL are now 'no contact'. The relationship has completely broken down and my friend does not have any communication with them. She also has no contact with their two children (her grandchildren), both of whom she loves dearly . The son and his family also live at the opposite ends of the country. The only 'news' she gets is when her other son speaks about them and that's not often, plus he won't say anything that would be gossipy, it's only general every day stuff.

that all sounds great and obviously she would have to mean it which I don't quite see happening. From the OPs messages she clearly has contempt for the DIL and that shows. I asked my husband, would you put some distance between you and your mom if she showed she hated me (she doesn't). His answer came instantly, "Of course". And this is a very loving man who adores his parents but cannot even imagine what it would be like to be squeezed between a rock and a hard place by the women he loves and are important in his life.

I've just seen a big fat pink pig fly across the sky in front of me!

AS IF the OP would do this! I wish so but no, won't happen!

Good god woman back off. You sound like his stalker. Why would he want to speak with you so often when you are openly hostile to his wife. You also don’t seem to acknowledge their children. Do you ever get presents for them. You need psychological help. He’s a grown up now.

My DH gets frustrated that his Mum:

1. Rings when it's not really convenient.
2. Sends long emails about medical health expecting detailed replies that take him hours.
3. Sends texts or FB messages at 3am.
4. Has been derogatory about me.
5. Has wanted to see him but not include me.
6. Only wants his opinion on going out for lunch and not mine — even if I'm included in the invite.
7. Refuses to accept our child is trans.
8. Complains that he doesn't see her enough.

We've been married over 25 years...

Married life IS about a partnership. You can't expect him to not include his wife. And if you are just calling to "chat", then a wife coming through the door looking exhausted should take priority. My DH gets so upset that he feels he's being made to choose all the time. He wants me to be happy but he loves his Mum too. One thing he does do is organise times he'll call his Mum for a chat which works well — unless she starts being rude about not seeing him, that I'm a lazy waste of space, that I'm controlling him etc. Then it just gets tiresome.

Totally feel for you.
(I’d be hiding his phone - and put it all silent)
And he’d be sleeping in the shed.

If you stopped offering gifts it would solve half your issues. A grown man does not need gifts from his mother.

Yes! It reminded me of this one immediately!

It sounds like he could have married a girl just like him mother 🤔

I think they have to be the same person with just frequent name changes, hopefully there aren’t that many Mothers that behave like it….
the removing of the fb comment thread was bonkers… that OP just couldn’t see that by her FDIL paying half the rent in the previous place she had helped the OP son save enough for the deposit int he house and that they were a team. It was just bonkers as is this thread 🤦‍♀️
I have 3 boys and I’m reading this as manual of ‘how not to behave’ 😂

You should show your son and DiL this thread and really LISTEN to their views…