AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

(How do you search to see other posts by a poster please? I can’t work put how to - thanks!)

You are wrecking your relationship with your son. I live about 30 mins from my mum and I talk to her once or twice a month, see her every few months. I have my own life now and no longer need mothering.

Oh ffs, you can lack self-awareness without having a fully diagnosable personality disorder.

Op , I can see you're coming under fire , nothing wrong with looking out for your sons welfare, maybe he is under pressure or has stress from work or money, I would be careful to lay blame, his brother having a chat with him is a good idea, he may beable to open up to his brother. Can I ask how ofton do you call your son?

I have my own life now and no longer need mothering

I don’t agree with the OP at all, and think she sounds a bit toxic, but this still really stuck out to me. Do you not see your mother as a human and not simply a mothering instrument? Surely needing mothering is not the only reason to see/ talk to your mother?

OP has already said 3 times per week Monday, Thursday and Sunday, always when she knows her DIL is due home.

My DH doesnt seem to know how to say no to them. I say it to him all the time but he still answers so i just no longer let it impact me. I probably come across rude to them but i honestly couldnt care less anymore

I think you’ve just answered your own question

I hang up the phone too when my DH gets home. We both work have kids so I want to see him when I can :)

The vast majority of posts about MILs are posted by their DILs and loads of posters chime in to say 'I'd love to hear your MIL's side of the story'.

Well here we get that and it is very clear what sort of MIL OP is. She completely ignores the vast majority of posters who say that she is being unreasonable and why, and only responds to the posters who agree with her. She cannot conceive that her behaviour towards her DIL is in any way unreasonable and that it is actually her son who is pulling away and prioritising his wife.

Some of the stuff that OP is doing is unbelievably petty and designed to cause a rift between her son and his wife. Her son is having none of this and that is what she can't cope with.

She has said that her son and her DIL work opposite shifts so probably have very little time together. She still times her many phone calls (her requirements are every two days for 15 minutes each time) to coincide with her DIL returning from work, rather than earlier in the day when her son would have more time to talk. This is obviously a deliberate power play and she is losing because her son will then end the call to have some time with his wife before he leaves for his shift.

She has absolutely no self awareness and is obviously used to getting her own way and she is angry that her attempts to cause trouble in her son's marriage are being thwarted by her son, who obviously has the measure of his own mother.

@thepariscrimefiles

Well said. And the OP is insinuating her darling son is being controlled by his wife, despite them having a long, and what appears to be, happy marriage. I presume it is the only excuse the OP can use now.
"He'd be talking to me for 15 minutes, three times a week, if it wasn't for his wife!"

Errrr... no.

My MIL is lovely. She automatically buys gifts for me when she does for my husband. I’ve never asked, it’s just her default position to treat us as a unit. I don’t think she’d ever consider doing anything else!

Showing consideration when we don’t “have” to shows that we respect and value one another. By not doing this, you’re the one who has relegated her to the position of “other”, “accessory”, or “less than”. Why would you expect more from her when you’ve show that she’s always in second place?

Don’t get me wrong - if my MIL had to save one of us from a burning building, it would be her son 🥲. I’m under no illusions there. And that’s fine!

As a final note: you asked for advice on this thread and have refused to take it when it doesn’t accord with your own opinion. Please heed the wisdom of the crowd!

You obviously don’t like your DIL. You have made a lot of statement that suggests this! Just put yourself in her place and imagine your MIL thinking towards you like this. Why wouldn’t you be happy that your DS is doing what you expect your husband to do to you? What do you mean she travels down to see you with him and you don’t get alone time. If she picks his phone when you ring it is because she is fond of you, if she doesn’t like you she will rather ignore it. (Speaking based on what I would do). If she is chirping in when you are on the phone it is probably also because she thinks she gained a DM when she married your son but you obviously don’t want it that way. I can only imagine you as my MIL. It probably will be hell because there will be no pleasing you. I thought having a DIL/SIL means you gained another child. Bitter pill… you are not his first priority anymore. You have raised a good man, if you can’t take anything away from all of these, take credit for that and leave them alone. Be happy for them!

People really need to read the full thread. As @slashlover pointed out, the OP quoted her original post and responded to it with:

"Also if he is still close to his younger brother than very clearly this isn’t his wife isolating him from his family this is clearly an issue he has with his mother"

Then edited it to "I can't believe I'm getting so attacked"

Good one though, @MyCyanShaker. I definitely got a lot of laughs from this thread! 🤣

Your son is absolutely correct that it’s rude to come back from travels with a souvenir for him and nothing for her. It’s like failing to acknowledge her existence, or sending the message that you consider her completely unimportant- not worth being thought of. These are basic norms around gift giving. 🤦🏼‍♀️ you don’t have to give her something big or expensive but how hard is it to get her a small trinket to acknowledge her . Why are you trying to make a point in this way???

Oh no can’t believe I fell for it 🙈

OP I think you’re blaming his wife here when really your son should be telling you the truth and say ‘ we’re away and we don’t want to be disturbed’ you’re using her as a scapegoat . He needs to be honest with you

I can tell you feel very attacked here OP. But in all kindness, I think you are the problem here.

Your son seems to be in a long and committed relationship. Nothing the DIL has done would raise flags with me. I wouldn't think twice about picking my DH phone up if one of his family rang and I was next to it. I'd happily chat to them and pass to DH.

Whilst I would not ask for a gift if his mum was asking him if he wanted something, I would find it very odd she would explicitly ask him and not think to get something as a couple gift. My mum would buy us both something small or something bigger for the house. I think you need to question your motivation in doing this.

As for him having to hang up when the wife comes in. You have no idea of she is making him do this. It is far more likely he is hanging up as he wants to hang up and spend his limited free time with his wife.

I think you are the one with the issue and you are trying to exclude DIL or send a message of some kind and your son has picked up on it. So if you want the situation to improve, I think you need to reflect on your actions and listen to the message he is sending you. He has plainly told you they come as a unit so get them a joint gift. Phone him on his days off so you aren't taking away from their limited time during the week.

Because you have absolutely no self-awareness and you cannot take on board that it's your own behaviour that is causing the problems in your relationship with your son.

If your son really loves his wife, which he seems to do, he will be hurt and cross at your behaviour towards her. Why not try doing the things that he asks, such as buying them a joint souvenir from your holiday, or if you want to get your son a separate present, still buy a small token for his wife. Your son has told you that your behaviour towards his wife upsets him but you still insist that you are in the right.

The quote "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" is very applicable to you.

Im sorry op. I originally supported you and said YANBU.
But after reading your responses, i think you need to back off a little. I would never call my son that much.
And I spend same amount on my son and daughter in law always

Just call him at the weekend or, if he works weekends, on one of his days off. He obviously has very little time with his wife and you are trying to monopolise that time.

What important things do you need to talk about that needs you to speak to him every two days for 15 minutes each time? Why don't you text or WhatsApp so he can respond at a time convenient for him?

Princess??? You are rude and unbearable! It is your son ending the phone call after his wife returns home from work. They have hardly any time together due to their work patterns but you are still insisting that your phone calls take priority.

It's the phone calls that are the issue, if my mum called me on the same days every week I would start to dread it because my weeks are busy and unpredictable with a husband and small children. I just don't have a clear 15 minutes for small talk that often. I would much rather a proper conversation once a week at a convenient time.

I would also be so bloody annoyed if I stepped in to my house THREE times a week to find my husband on the phone to his mother in the precious few hours we have together in the evening.

Him reacting with annoyance to your 'neutral' questions is the perfect example - he's literally telling you, 'I don't have the time or head space for this'. Just back off a bit and it will probably all be fine!

I think calling him every couple of days and demanding 15 minutes of his time is too much, so as you say a weekly call will be better. He sounds irritated on the phone because he feels under pressure.

I think you do sound a bit too demanding. Whilst you are his mum, his wife is going to take priority and that's life! Of course she is going to visit as well if they have to travel 13 hours to see you.

However, it sounds like his wife might be a bit demanding too. Certainly expecting him to come off the phone as soon as she walks through the door is rude. I agree answering his mobile is intrusive. Saying what she would like as a gift is also rude and would annoy me massively.

I think you need to give him space, have the weekly call and then you might find the relationship is better.

Your son sounds like a lovely husband. He is putting his wife first which is how it should be. It doesn't sound like you particularly like your dil and no doubt they will have picked up on this which is probably why your ds is including her in phone calls and asking you to buy her a gift aswell. He is telling you that she is important to him and you need to respect that. I am shocked that you would think of just getting him a gift but not one for dil - surely she is part of your family and you should treat her as such. He sounds like a caring husband and, tbh, you sound jealous.