AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Tough 😞. The only way to win this is by trying to get closer to your DIL. Maybe suggest a manicure together so go out of your way to complement her parenting etc.

You do sound a bit controlling and needy op. Your son sounds as though he is irritated by this. I think you need to back off if you want to maintain a good relationship with him and his wife.

I've skimmed through OP's posts and despite it being a 750 post thread the only thing she can actually complain about from the DIL is that she answers her husband's phone sometimes, that he ends phone calls when his wife comes home and that on one (?) occasion she offered to buy her son a souvenir and he asked her to buy his wife one too.

OP you have absolutely zero self awareness and don't see how and why you're pushing your son away with your possessive, petty and critical behaviour. You won't win the battle you've invented between yourself and his wife, and nor should you. Leave it alone.

Oh for goodness sake there is zero evidence that the DIL is abusing the son and it's unhelpful to encourage OP to view it that way. She needs to let go of her son, her instinct in this situation are not serving her well.

🙄

Well let’s just say the dw is controlling (she’s not)
But if his wife is controlling what exactly can you do op?
He has chosen to be there
Yiu can’t go and drag him home to live with you.
What do you want to happen?
Yes she controlling …. And ????
Now what?

This.
Please op read this again …. How can you not even consider this?

No, his primary family is now is wife…

You should have stopped thinking like that when he grew up. What happened op?

You didn't answer my question of do you have any other interests apart from your family, so I assume not. Please find a hobby or interest and stop harassing your son. He will always choose his wife over you, so try and accept that with grace and move on.

OP is your relationship in a good place with your husband or partner? This really smacks of jealousy , are you not being treated the same way your son is treating his wife and you want that yourself?

I’m sure you have but couldn’t you just ignore the call?
or answer and busy but will call back in an hour?
it seems very intrusive of them and completely tone deaf

😂😂😂absolutely fucking bonkers. You need to back off.

I am normally on the side of the MIL, I think they get attacked too much on MN.

However @MyCyanShaker not in this case!

Your son has a new family now, and it is obvious to me you dislike the DIL. It's as plain as anything. As for speaking 3 times a week for 10 minutes, I don't know any adult son who speaks to his Mum that frequently!

Of course, his priority is his wife! My DD can be on the phone to me and her DH comes in... she says "gotta go, DH is here". This is totally normal. And he might answer her phone or speak in the background, I love it! They sound a happy family unit, which is all that matters to me.

As for the presents, stop buying him souvenirs, that really is a bit odd! And yes I would be buying my Son in law something if I saw an item that would amuse him.

You will drive him away if you carry on like this. Your son has been with his wife a long time, give them some space! You sound smothering, sorry, but you do.

Your question is….

AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

The answer is NO.

However, please reflect and ask yourself….

Should I be worried about the dynamics of MY relationship with my son?

When you have a son, Its very difficult being a MIL , you can’t do right for doing wrong. I strongly recommend you read all the reply’s in this post, reflect, and back off.

👏👏👏

OP - kindly, you need to find some friends, or a hobby/whatever, and live your own life 🤷‍♀️

You can’t live life through your adult kids - they now have their independent lives, and you are not a priority. Nor should you be.

It may well be that it’s your son that’s tired of your needy, intrusive behaviour and backing off from you.

You’re not willing to accept anyone else’s thoughts on the matter are you?

Have you spoken to your son about it? Does he want to talk to you 3 times a week?

You’re not going to like this OP but my husband would use me walking in the room as an excuse to get off the phone with his mother and I wonder if your son is doing the same? I’m not comparing you but my MIL can be a bit draining, with her ailments and complaining and repeating the same stories.

Can I make a suggestion? Have a chat with your son and say that you always seem to speak to him at a bad time so instead of 3 times a week, have a weekly scheduled catch up and if you need him in the meantime drop him a text or email that he can answer when he’s free?

I don’t know what to say about the gift thing, I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone if they want a gift, I just get it. My children don’t have partners but I suppose if I bought for one of my children I would buy something their partner could share or a gift of their own? Just stop discussing it with them?

Finally, you can’t compete with a grown man’s partner, nor should you. I think in this instance if you are less combative you will end up with a much better relationship with your son. I know you miss him and it’s hard but you raised him to set him free didn’t you?

None of this was meant unkindly, you seem so angry and bitter at the moment and I hope this advice is helpful?

One thing I will say is that you know your son better than anyone here and it's not impossible that you're picking up on subtle changes in his behaviour that other people wouldn't. That's not unreasonable. What IS unreasonable is pinning it on his wife. There's really nothing in what you've said to suggest that. It's possible they've got things going on in their life that you're not aware of. By all means ask your other son to check in on him but I wouldn't be saying anything about his wife.

I would also echo what others have said - I think you need to back off a little bit. I would feel suffocated by anyone contacting me so frequently.

As soon as the “I am entitled to this because I raised you” card is in play, you are dealing with an unreasonable woman.

3x per week.. for 15 minutes? What do you actually say to each other? He probably has deliberately set his wife up to interrupt so he can get off the phone. This would drive anyone insane..

Also, my DH would automatically ask me about any sort of non practical gift because there is genuinely nothing he wants if it’s not golf or diy. I do the home decor stuff, I do the drinking and we are a team!

You call him three times a week??
Do you not see how ludicrous that is??

Once a week is fine for a catch up. What on earth do you have to talk about three times a week? You sound like a bit of a nightmare OP, with no self awareness.

This the problem though. OP has asked a question but seems unable to reflect fully. She is only replying to either defend her point of view or acknowledge any point that fits her narrative. She’s not listening to the bigger picture of what people are trying to say to her. This is a pointless AIBU post as she is only willing to listen to those who agree with her so am still unsure as to why post the question in the first place!

It sounds like your son is being the perfect husband. His wife gets home from work and he hangs up so he can greet her (probably give her a hug and a kiss) and they can get on with their evening. It would be rude to carry on a phone call. My parents and his parents would never ask one of us if we want something and not the other. It's exclusion and (a little bit) like bullying. Him saying what his wife would like is his subtle clues to you to treat them both equally. That's how he wants his marriage to work.

Don't think your DIL hasn't picked up on your nasty thoughts. Or you son. They are trying to manage you politely without causing a rift between them.

What if they have a child - will you be offering to get the child something, your son something and not your DIL?

You sound a bit like a narcissist. Up to 5% of the population are. It's demonised and it shouldn't be because it's just a personality type. I'd look into it if I was you. My friends MIL is a narcissist and she behaves just like you sound.

She has narcissistic behaviour.