AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Way too much. My son calls once a week usually but then sometimes goes a couple of weeks between calls. He and his wife live very busy lives and if they’ve just been working hard there’s not much to say apart from how are you. Expecting a 15 minute chat every other day would drive me nuts.

You are sounding a little controlling. Your son is just living and sometimes when you’ve been at work all day the last thing you want is a long phone call. I myself am more of a text person with my family and my sister is the one to ring and have a call on the phone. The gift thing I find is odd I’m sure you son doesn’t need to be asked what gift you can buy him, just talking to each other should be enough and maybe pop round and drop them the odd treat they can both enjoy. He is married and that means they do come as a couple. Sons can be more laid back. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. But you could push him away if you mention what you’ve said on here.

I agree with the vast majority on here that 3 times a week is far too much. But then I grew up in a house with no phone and neither my parents not inlaws had one for years - and then it was for emergencies. If they wanted to contact someone they either walked round or wrote LETTERS.

My MiL became very demanding phone-wise in her later years as a widow and used to phone every ten minutes through the day till she got an answer! We did often ignore her calls till we felt less uptight. My own DPs rarely phoned anyone.

But families are all different aren't they? Some are used to daily contact, others to sometimes only a few times a year. Most of us adapt to it and laugh about it. My younger DD mostly ignored us while at Uni and later till she became engaged and immediately learnt that her DP was cheating on her - then I got 4 or more calls a day! Now happily married she realises the value of good relationships with parents and phones abt once a week. That's fine. The elder one also similar - but either of them know I don't get worried if it slips a bit or there are extra calls in between for some reason..

My cousin lives nearby to all her 4 DS's and now has DGC and DGGC. She sees them all daily, so whenever she's on holiday she phones them all daily too! That would drive me mad.

On a World Cruise in 2020 we met a Liverpool lady (late 60s) who so badly missed her GC that she left the ship half way round to go home! She lost abt £20k for doing that!

I almost never ring my DDs cos they are so busy, they ring me instead. We have good relationships with them and their DHs. It might change sooner than later as our health is deteriorating but we are determined not to expect anything they can't or don't want to do for us. It might be different if one of us is left alone of course. Otherwise we keep ourselves busy with outside activities, friends, hobbies and interests and sometimes don't have time to phone them or even be able to answer phone calls from them.

That's how it should be in my book.

Oh, and we stopped things like souvenirs once they became adults but the GC get them now.

OP please reassess your approach to all this or you will at the very least cause resentment in the families or at worst cause them to cut you out altogether.

I could be the DIL in this situation. My PIL always ring in the middle of family time/evening meal/kids bed etc and expect a proper phone call. Dh always puts them on speaker and it drives me up all the wall we all have to stop exacty what we are doing to honour that call. I dont necessarily blame PIL, my DH should be minful to the situation, if hes happy for a call to take it should be somewhere that doesnt impact family life instead he makes us all sit there and listen/be involved. I used to pause tv/dinner/whatever we were doing but im sick of it i find it so rude of him that im no longer considerate so i carry on family life and dont care if it impacts his call. If he wants a proper call he can go take it in his own space or ring them at a covinient time but im not having cold dinner 3 times a week because his mum wants a catch up. I speak to my parents most days but i ring them at a convinisnt time for me and dont make the whole family get involved

It’s not ‘way too much’. We’re all different. As can be seen on this thread, some call each other every day (my sister calls and speaks to my mum every day), others once a week ( I call my mum just once a week). Some every month, or hardly ever. There’s no hard and fast rule. People have different relationships with their parents, so it’s daft to dictate what you think is too much or too little.

OP, I would strongly suggest you find some hobbies, friends, activities, projects that pull you in so your time flies and you're focused on other things than your grown sons.

That’s what it seems like his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on

This is a wonderful thing that your son so loves his wife and treats her so well. Tell yourself you raised him well, and get on with your life in meaningful ways, and leave them be.

I don't know why it has to be a competition. There is room for both a mother and a wife in a man's life. No, I wouldn't expect my DH to hang up if he was on the phone to anyone if I walked in. I'd wait. I wouldn't be upset if my MIL got my DH a present and not me (though if it's a holiday souvenir type thing, I'd get one for my child in law too). I wouldn't have a problem if I called my child and their partner picked up the phone. I sometimes have one of my family answer my phone if I am busy - in the shower or cooking and have to wash my hands first, for example. Then someone gets the phone before it goes to voicemail.

There is only one time I've been annoyed about a gift from my MIL to DH, and I suspect most here would agree with me on that one thing, but it came in a wider context of being made to feel like I was invisible and didn't matter outside of being a uterus to give her grandchildren, which she wanted to be in charge of.

However, even when I dropped the rope with her, I didn't stop her son having anything to do with her. His lack of contact was completely on him.

Yes, his wife should be the centre of his universe. Realistically, your spouse does come before your parents once you are married. My husband trumps my parents in priority (depending on specific situation, of course) and so do my children. I expect my married child to put their spouse first too.

@MyCyanShaker you seem to think you're in competition with your DIL for your son's time and attention

It’s too much if one party doesn’t want to do it. It sounds as though OP’s ds finds it too much.

I agree. It would be too much for me, but each to their own. However, OPs DS clearly isn't wanting mummy phoning him 3 times a week.

Then she might get criticised for that...I can understand her being worried, and would maybe ask for advice from DV charities, if you are concerned, as someone not trained, I'd not want to advise. I have to admit I always thought control/abuse was generally male on female, but since learning more about Domestic Violence (see the info from a DV charity below), I've found coercive control and even physical violence (I am obviously not saying that's the case here, of course none of us know, which is why OP should maybe talk to someone qualified to advise).

• One in five men (21.7%) said they have been a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime (5.1 million). They consist of 41% of all victims.
• One in fifteen men (6.5%) said they were a victim of domestic abuse in 2023/24 (1.5 million men). They consist of 40% of all victims.
• One in five to six men (18.3%) have been a victim of partner abuse in their lifetime (4.3 million). They consist of 40% of all victims.
• One in twenty men (4.7%) said they were a victim of partner/ex-partner abuse in 2023/24 (1.1 million men). They consist of 39% of all victims.

I admit I did think that men might be more ashamed to admit being a victim than women-I know my workmates/friends would take it very seriously if I ever said I was experiencing DV-but there are lots of men who don't have this security.

I am not saying a mother's instinct is always right, and OP, I hope he is just busy-but just as Les Dawson's jokes about MILs in the 70s seem off today (we would say a woman has the right to be concerned about how a man treats her daughter), some people seem to be automatically against MILs now. I'd actually have been quite worried if a partner of mine didn't want to be loving towards his parents, speaking to them regularly etc (obviously I get there's exceptions, like if a parent had walked out on the family).

With every reply OP this sounds like a ‘you’ problem.
You do not need to be in competition with your dil.
Why are you phoning every other day at the time when your dil is arriving home, knowing they work different shifts, sorry but this would really piss me off if my mum did this.
You really sound like you don’t like your dil. My mil has always treated me and my dh the same, either buying us a shared gift or one each (for anything other than birthdays).
My mum adores my dh and treats him like a son.
I only talk to my mum about once a week, every other day for a lot of people would be too much.
Give them some space and be kind to your dil, she is, as she should be, your sons priority.

Why are you ringing and 'offering' him gifts? Surely, you just see something you think someone would like and buy as a surprise? I would never bring something home just for my child and leave out their partner. I find that part quite calculating.
There is NO way your feelings towards your DIL are not being picked up by them both. They probably discuss how to 'deal' with you so you're not going to get any joy continuing the way you are.
Dial back that calls.Stop trying to cause issues, you know exactly what you are doing and you will not win.
Big step back and reflect on the relationship so far and what YOU need to do to have the one you want with them. Yes, THEM

@MyCyanShaker This just sounds like a couple adapting and finding their way, balancing life - it’s a natural progression, for his wife to be the centre of his world, they are married- and if they have children the dynamic will change again.
I agree with past posters, reign in how often you call him - once a week is fine and if he wants to speak more often, then he will.

Arr thats not nice at all! Why fo the females on here have to be so Bitchy .
this Lady cares about her Son Gut Feelings hard to ignore…
So true if it was the other way round the Girls would be falling over them self to give support to there Mothers

Then stop acting like the other woman

We live away from my in-laws and Im glad my MIL appears to like me more than you like your DIL. She never calls us. My husband calls her whenever he feels like it but typically weekly. I actually call her more often to chat with her and so she can speak to my children as they are too young to call themselves. She always buys something for me if she’s getting something for my husband and my family do the same (birthdays not included ofc and she gets my husband bday gifts but not me, but that’s ok with me). She is remarried herself and we would never buy a gift on vacation just for her and not for her and her husband. I think you don’t like your daughter in law if you’re upset she’s answering the phone. My husband tries to get off the phone as soon as he’s home as we haven’t seen him all day and I think that’s the norm.

I think you should stop the calls for now and let your son call you. If a few weeks passes then reach out. I’d text in the meantime but keep it friendly. I would do joint gifts tho. Honestly they probably don’t want crap you’re getting on holiday and so stick to birthday and Christmas. It is rude to ring your married son and ask what random gift he wants.

A decent husband SHOULD 'treat his wife like gold and worship the ground she walks on.' Sounds like you raised your son to be a gentleman.
That aside, it rather sounds like you don't really like his wife very much.

Of course you do - but he has explicitly said he doesn't want you to. So you can either continue to do what you want to do based on how you feel - or you can respect your son's wishes.

Ds2 is a quiet chap. He has two really good friends that he meets up with but works remotely so doesn’t meet up with colleagues. He has a hobby and has friends through that but only really sees them when he’s doing his hobby. Dil is outgoing, gregarious and has lots of friends.They seem to spend a lot of time visiting her friends or inviting her friends to visit. Ds appears to be happy with this and therefore so am I.

I don’t mind them visiting together. Her parents are in another country and I think she misses them and likes being part of our family. I definitely feel as if I have gained a daughter rather than losing a son.

Maybe you could write him emails instead? He can reply when it's a convenient time for him.

This! 👏👏

Oh for goodness sake you are so so wrong saying you should be the priority even tho he's married. Do you know how controlling and weird you sound. You need to take a few steps back seriously or you will lose him. He is happily married with a wife he treats exactly as he should and a wife that is absolutely his priority and first priority at that not you his mother. Let go of the strings 2 different kinds of love and as adults we love our mums but hey my own family is my priority and I'm so glad my mother doesn't act like this and treats me and hubby the exact same and knows fine well I love her so much but won't be messaging,calling all day or when hubby in from work as I want to spend time with him

Good grief! We hold our children's hands a little while and help them fly! My son my son until he gets a wife, my daughter my daughter all my life. You recognise any of these sayings?

You're the problem here and you need to look at your part in this. You need to change to meet conditions like it or not. You can't change anyone else accept yourself.

You are not in competition with your DiL. His wife gets home from work yes he should be getting off the phone. Why shouldn't your DiL chime up on things.

It's clear you see your son wife has a divide to your son. Ive news for you. By not including her, being welcoming friendly and treating her as as important as your son this is why you have a problem. There is nothing wrong with her chiming in and saying things.

Yes I'm MiL to one SonIL and 2 DiL and there is nothing you have described there that they are going wrong. You need to look at your attitude.

Your remark of "his own mother" says it all. Your son is not your possession.

As for your other son/s ringing you everyday what the heck is wrong with them? Why? You should not be front and foremost of their lives.

I speak to my daughter approx 3 times per week. My son's approx once a week along with my DiLs if they are there.

I see my eldest weekly when he drops the grandchildren off. My others yearly as they live abroad so yearly when I go out.

Take a look back at how your MiL was hey and see what you liked, disliked etc about her.

My ex deceased MiL was a nightmare. I always swore I would never be like her so I've gone probably to the other extreme. However a good relationship is had with my adult children other halves.

You need to look at you in this

Crikey, this smacks of ‘I’m losing my son as he has his own family and life and I cannot cope.’ Your son is an independent adult who is probably enjoying a bit of peace. He probably hangs up the phone when his wife gets home because he might want to hear about her day and see how she is, he’s missed her and wants to catch up with her.
You sound like you’re loosing control of your child and you can’t cope with it. I have the most fantastic MIL who will take care of our children and we spend lots of family time together, sometimes just her and my hubby but mostly all of us together. We enjoy her company and love being with her, she doesn’t try to control us or guilt trip us into when we may next visit or she can next come and see us. She ADDS to our lives, she never causes stress or bother. Maybe think about what you could do to become that kind of mother, how can I get my children and their families to want to spend time with me without controlling or guilt tripping them?