AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

OP you really aren’t listening here. You really do need to back off as your DS is getting frustrated with the amount of calls per week you are making.

Even your last post you ask about whether another person was upset about seeing their child without their wife. They are married a unit. Your son lives 13 hours away. Why would he necessarily visit you on his own without his wife? Why?

You really are expecting far too much. As others have pointed out in many posts, they are close to family but would view your phone calls too much, and your lack of inclusion in gifts not appropriate. But you refuse to listen.

I would strongly suggest you take on board what feedback you are being given here, but you really do need to listen and not just push back on everything you don’t particularly like.

This.

From your post it sounds like you are used to being the controlling one. And now your son is breaking free and you resent it. You are assuming it is his wife driving this but it’s more likely to be him. Sounds like you ask too much too often. Attempts to exclude his wife (of 14 years who he chosen to spend his life with) are highly likely to backfire on you. Tread carefully.

Ahahaha
You are a MIL from hell.
Calling children every day.
Expecting adult DCs to have mum as a priority.
You are next level insame tbh

I'm not sure I would say I was very close as they have never lived very close to us but I like her and I really don't want to be the sort of MIL people moan about. I never really got on with my own MIL . My DH was never that close to her and I was always nagging him to visit her but always thought that she thought it was me stopping him from visiting more, she never knew it was him who didn't bother. So I message my soon to be DIL occasionally and like and comment on her Facebook posts but it is my ds that I phone. However I do treat them as a couple and buy for both and although it is nice to occasionally have him home by himself I accept that will very rarely happen now. Living 5 hours away and DIL being the only driver means it would need a very specific reason for him to come on the train by himself. I am pleased he is settled and happy. I hope your DS is too.

As a mother, you have done your job. That mothering role is no longer needed. As your son is independent now then the relationship has to change. It becomes far more similar to a friendship between adults. If you want to stay important in your son’s life, you have to change too.

How long did your husband spend on the phone with his mother?

This is definitely a you issue @MyCyanShaker. I know that’s not what you believe but I think your expectations are out of whack with reality

Good question.

I’m struggling to take in what you have said, and why you think you are right, you quoted…
“That’s what it seems like his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on”.

What is wrong with you? are you so wrapped up in jealousy that you refuse to accept the love and adoration your son has for his wife? So he should worship her! The marriage vows state, “With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee WORSHIP, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow”
“I thee worship” signifies a profound reverence and love for one’s spouse, not only physical intimacy but also a dedication to serving and honouring them with one’s entire being.
You really need to check yourself and be grateful your son is in a loving happy marriage, his priorities are well placed with his wife, she comes first, as she should.
If you don’t accept this and get a handle on your jealousy you could find yourself being pushed out even further. He’s not your little boy anymore, he’s a grown man.

Hell No! I'm a mother & a MIL & I try to stay out of their lives as much as possible. That doesn't mean cutting all contact by any means but they've their own lives to lead &, frankly so do I! You sound like you don't & are clinging onto your little ones 🙄 to fill that gap. Have you got one of those husband things? Have you any interests or, dare I say it, hobbies? If not, get one of those (well, not the HT, they're a bloody nuisance). You will never be happy trying to be the Number One Girl in your sons' lives.

Yes it is. I would feel stifled if my mother called me 3 times a week (I’m her daughter) and more so if she seemed pissed off when I said I had to go and do something.
Call him once a week or - better yet - wait for him to call you sometimes!
If you just speak for 5 minutes, try to enjoy it and let him know it was good to speak to him.
Next time you go on holiday, buy your DIL a nice little gift - if you don’t, he’s likely to feel protective of her and pissed off at you!
Try and harness gratitude rather than grudge; try to include and value your DIL, rather than leave her out. Notice your jealousy but really work hard not to act on it. Notice that you feel rejected but try really hard not to act on it.

The more tightly you try and hold onto him (and just him) the more he will want to wriggle away.

Also - nurture your own life and friendships outside of your kids so that you feel enriched and a part of something and not reliant on them too much.

After you’ve done the above, and he feels less guilt and responsibility in relation to you, the more likely he would be to open up to you about stuff he is worried about.

(The above I write from experience of feeling responsible for a parent’s feelings. I had a parent who felt easily rejected; who was envious and unkind with it. I have written it in the hopes that it might be helpful but realise it may also be difficult to read and hear)

Also, my MIL has never phoned me. Not once. Never asked me to meet for a coffee. Nothing. She had zero interest in getting to know me. She is purely interested in her son (my now husband). That means that 15 years later she no longer feels like family to him. She has carved a divide between her and her son’s family.

Do not make the same mistake.

Embrace your daughter in law. When she answers his phone, ask about her day. Buy her little gifts. Call her for a chat now and again.

By pushing her away, you’re pushing your son away.

I’m very close to my mother and I can’t imagine speaking with her daily. Whilst she’s one of the most important people in my life, we both also have friends/hobbies/work etc that keep us busy. Do you rely on communication with your children so much because you don’t have much else going on in your life? Are you lonely OP?

“Surely gifting your own child from time to time”… listen to yourself! FFS he’s not a child! He a grown man.

@MyCyanShaker if he only has two hours from when he wakes up for the day to when he has to go to work, at what point do you call and how long of this 2 hour window is his wife home?

Boy moms 🙄😂

Son has chosen his wife. She's not just a fly by night girl friend, this is a relationship that's lasted 14 years. Time to let go.

This is true. You do seem terribly jealous of the relationship he has with his wife.

You are always going to be his mother, but naturally you move down the table as it were of importance in day to day life.

But your insistence on talking to him three times a week is stifling. If you eased up a bit things might find their own equilibrium. But you need to accept that he’s your son and is finding his own way in life that doesn’t involve speaking to his mother three times a week and seeing her separately from his wife.

That’s just life and progress whether you like it or not.

But you are acting like the OW with all the competition and jealousy.

In fact they recently went away and his wife decided for them to control un plug and my son wasn’t allowed to text or call anyone but her for a week

This sounds... normal. And blissful, actually.

It might interest you to know, OP, that my husband and I have an understanding with one another: if I need to get out of something, I can blame him, and vice versa. 👀

@MyCyanShaker Do you have any relationship with your dil? Do you call her or ever think of her independently of your son? Your name is obviously visible on his phone when she answers, maybe she's just more warm/comfortable towards you? My sister in law is like that, absolutely lovely woman and so relaxed around everyone.

It sounds like you're just very different people to them, judging by your constant repeating of the rules of relationships, etiquette, priorities, and you describing him as always having been independent. He sounds like he has a lot going on, v little time with his family, and I'd guess fed up of being guilted and manipulated by his mother. You sound a lot like my mother!

How extraordinary 🙄

You seem very needy, and expect your adult children to.meet your needs.

I think you need to build up your interests and friendships for this phase of your life, where your adult children have built their own lives - successfully!

What hobbies do you have? What friends do you see regularly outside your family?

This thread is a perfect example of an OP posting over and over again asking if she is being unreasonable, the majority say she is and she still won’t listen. It’s a lost cause.

It's impossible for us to say if he's pulling away from you because his wife is controlling or if he's pulling away from you because he wants to. I think that you at least need to consider the possibility that it is the later.

If you make some subtle inquiries of his brother you'll probably get some clues as to which it is.