AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Yes exactly! Married or not I’m his mother and I get what ppl are seeing that his wife might consider it rude to continue talking on the phone after she walked in from work after a long day but it’s like he can’t give his own mother 5 minutes of his time he has to jump and say how hi at his wife’s demand. Why can’t he say I’ll be with you in 10 minutes I’m on the phone with my mom? And the souvenir thing I’m sorry but my DIL is not my child pretty presumptuous for her to assume bc I’m buying my own son something I am automatically getting her something. Also I hate this narrative thar a woman can’t control a man. Women can be very sneaky and vindictive too. My son said before his wife thinks it’s rude if he doesn’t hang up the phone when his wife gets home. But I’m his mother why can’t he just say babe I’ll be with you in 10 minutes. Like the princess walked in the door I must hang up immediately

And the souvenir thing I’m sorry but my DIL is not my child pretty presumptuous for her to assume bc I’m buying my own son something I am automatically getting her something

Oh my god. No one but you thinks this is ok behaviour, everyone else thinks it’s rude and passive-aggressive- including your own son! Drop it already!

Starting with the gift, buy something they can both enjoy. People no longer wait to be ready to take a call and can feel ignorant if others enter the room,we as a family usually put the phone on loudspeaker so we can all chat, I think dil wants to be treated as part of the family but you're actively excluding her. A lot of communication is done on WhatsApp, text messaging nowadays so maybe try just checking in that way, discuss it with him. I think your relationship with your son can be saved if you can accept them as a couple, instead of believing your high status as mother is so important it entitles you to a one to one chat with your son with no interruptions. They will be having children eventually, hopefully you will get to be a loving Grandma to them. In the meantime do things that bring you joy, activities/hobbies

My son lives 5 hours away with his fiance
We speak once a week. I used to phone him but he now usually phones me when it's a good time for him and we normally talk for about half an hour to an hour. We WhatsApp several times a week too. I wonder if your son would prefer less calls but a few messages conversations in the week instead, when he could reply when it suited him. Maybe as he is so far away you could have some facetime conversations every few weeks. I don't know how often you see them as they are so far away but facetime in between could help. I wouldn't normally buy my son a gift and not something for them both unless it's their birthday and the,y have only lived together for about 5 years, not married yet.

OP please give your son some space. Why not ask for a time to call him once a week and say he can call you in between if he wants a chat? If you worry about him, you could ask if he would mind sending you a text each day to say hi, although I don't think this is necessary.

Are you lonely yourself? If you are be honest with you son about it. My mum calls me too much, but I don't really mind as I like chatting to her and she is OK with me saying I am busy so can't talk/have to go now ect. However, it doesn't sound like you have this type of relationship with your son.

It's quite annoying reading this thread with people giving you sound advice, and you are picking out the random people that agree with you to reply to. Not answering anyone's questions and harping on about silly presents.....!
How can you even give them presents when you see them once a year!!
Please see other people's views and not just what you want to hear.
It's so controlling and that well obviously come across to your son.

Are you close to his fiancé do you communicate with her as well?

I rather suspect your son is sick of you and your demands. Maybe take the hint and back off for a while. Actually, you sound thoroughly unpleasant.

I would hate to have you for a MIL.

But I’m his mother why can’t he just say babe I’ll be with you in 10 minutes. Like the princess walked in the door I must hang up immediately

Now you’re being just plain bitchy. Princess, for heaven’s sake.

You say he has 2 hours a day because of night shifts and you want him to devote 15 minutes of that 2 hours to you, 3 times a week. That’s insane.

If she works days and he works nights, OF COURSE he wants to be with her in the short time they overlap. He loves her, he chose to spend the rest of his life with her.

My parents would never have bought me a souvenir and stiffed my partner, even after two or three years. This has been FOURTEEN years and you are behaving like she has become part of the family.

Quite frankly, it’s a miracle he answers when you ring at all. You’re doing everything possible to estrange him.

The part about the phone calls reminds me of one of my SILs, she is incredibly rude and interrupts constantly if my DH is on the phone to his brother (her husband), he doesn’t often call and it is bizarre. My other SIL and myself don’t do this if any of our DHs are on the phone at the weekend.

I also know somebody who has a massive issue with her DH having a weekly phone call with his parents, he has zero issue with her speaking to hers. I’ve told her that, like I would find it weird if my DH was funny about me speaking to my Mum, and vice versa. She’s had an issue with it for years, and it does feel controlling as an outsider, as she wouldn’t tolerate him saying the same about her speaking with her parents.

OP you can keep shouting 'I'm his mother!' into the wind, or you can listen to people on this thread about how to salvage some sort of relationship with your son, before you push him away for good.
Nothing you have said about her suggests she is controlling.
He ends calls because his wife who he doesn't see much is home.
He sounds bored or frustrated because you call an amount many people would find utterly suffocating - you're making the calls into an obligation rather than something he enjoys being a part of.
You say do you want a present and they hear you as applying to both people in their household so both respond.
She sometimes picks up her husbands phone when she sees his mother is ringing (again).
Stop focusing on your one sided fight with her and focus on how to improve your relationship with him. You are picking at tiny non issues and it may cost you your son.

Women absolutely can control men. You are. You're considering recruiting your other sone because one isn't giving you the attention you want. That is the epitome of controlling

I love my mum and enjoy talking with her - I usually call her - but every couple of days would be too much for me. Maybe wait until you have some news and don't quiz him on things - just ask how he is and let him direct the conversation. If he doesn't sound keen to talk - maybe just say 'you sound busy I'll let you go' or DIL has come home? Say hello to her from me - have a great evening'

I think your life would be easier if you do but your FIL gifts as requested. Maybe focus more on getting to know her and that might improve your relationship with your son

My mum sometimes writes cards to my husband and he really appreciates it. He doesn't expect it and it's not asked for but well received. She also buys him gifts on his birthday and when he visits tries to have his favourite food. It feels nice that she's welcoming of him.

That said I get it's hard that that you don't get to see him one on one. My brothers marriages was like that and I always felt uncomfortable that I wouldn't know if the response from him or her

The marriage is over now and although he's in a new relationship the dynamics have changed - now he'll visit mum on his own sometimes.

Christ almighty I couldn’t cope if my own mother called me as much as the op, let alone my MIL (not that I have one).

as pp have said, you probably just need to dial down the intensity a bit!

I think you are being unreasonable. I think that you get on your son's nerves by calling every few days and no doubt getting a bit ratty that he doesn't want to talk to you as much as you would like. Ultimately the contact that someone has with their parent is a personality thing and not necessarily about how close they are. My husband would be seriously fed up if his Mum wanted to speak to him every few days. He's not big on phone calls ,texts etc and that applies to everyone in his life. I sometimes pick up his phone because I feel bad that he doesn't want to!! I speak to my Mum every day. My sister will easily go 2 weeks without a call. It's not a reflection of the degree of love or the state of our marriages - it's simply that I am sociable and my sister isn't!! But re the buying gift thing you are very out of order. If you were gifting £10k then fine that can go to your son, but picking up a cheap souvenir (as per your example) and excluding her is mean. You can pretend you aren't doing it to make a point but you clearly are. They both know it and it is causing damage. If you love your son as much as you say then it is time to start embracing your daughter in law as your family. For what its worth my parents say that their two son in laws are family now and my in laws say they love me as a daughter. This isn't an unreasonable expectation when your child has been married for a long while regardless of what you seem to believe.

You're not listening.

You don't want advise, you wanted to be coddled and told how right you are.

Calling your DIL after so many years a princess is so rude. She is his princess. You're his overbearing mother.

Respect your son. Give him space he so clearly wants.

@MyCyanShaker does your son and his wife have children? Are your other two sons in relationships?

But do you not consider it is HIS choice to end the phone call when she gets home? Why are you blaming her and saying she is being demanding and whatnot? HE is the one ending the call with you so why are you mad at her?!

Kindly OP, this.

I think your other son calling everyday is very unhealthy.

@MyCyanShaker have you actually had a conversation with your son about wanting to have some one to one conversations with him? Maybe schedule a slightly longer call at a weekend if he doesn’t work then and prioritise a more in depth chat just once a week. You may get more from him if you compromise.
if he and his wife only have two hours together a day he may be choosing to spend that short amount of time with his wife rather than on the phone with you.
He may then be willing to give you more time if it’s just once a week but he could spend longer with you. Try talking to him about it.
also I think you have to let the answering the phone and the gift issue go. Honestly neither of those things are controlling.
most couples I know will answer each other’s phone if it’s nearby and they see if ringing. Especially if it pops up with your name and your DIL has known you for 14 years, she probably feels comfortable answering the phone to you. You making an issue out of this harmless thing might be what’s pushing your son away.
And also it feels like you’re making way to big a deal over the gift thing. If he’s already said to you that they’re a unit and he’d like you to include her in your gift giving, then you need to accept that. If you are really that set against buying a cheap mug for your DIL then you shouldn’t get your son anything because he’s already made it clear it’s both of them of nothing. Stop making it into a thing or you’ll push him away

I think you are looking at this the complete wrong way, I think this is originating from your son, not your DIL and you are laying the blame on her unfairly.

3 times a week is a lot for a mother and her adult "independent" son, he probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you not to call so often, but if they only have a limited window to speak to each other before going their separate ways every day, then I'm not surprised he wants to get off the phone when she comes in, or he actively converses with her until you get the hint to sign off.. it doesn't mean she is making him do these things, it means he is begrudgingly taking these calls but will sign off with any excuse.

He never calls you, never instigates, never buys you gifts etc? It is all you contacting him, and him being lacklustre when you do, you purposely buy gifts for only him only and don't acknowledge your DIL, you expect him to prioritise you alongside his wife.

There is nothing healthy about your relationship as it stands, it isn't a two way street, it is very much you dictating how your relationship is, you have a complete lack of respect for him, her, and their marriage and you wonder why he is pulling away?

Stop the 3 weekly calls, drop it down to 1 at a time where you aren't forcing him to choose his priorities, and see if things improve, stop buying him gifts if it is causing resentment, he obviously doesn't want you to and has told you as much.

Yes this is definitely too much!
I would never phone my married daughter this often, she's far too busy with work, her children etc.

What do you mean you didn’t know if the answer came from her or him? When they were there in person or via text. Also how come it mattered so much where it came from if they were a couple like everyone is saying? Did it bother your mom like it does me that she never saw her son without his wife?

What am I reading..

my husband wouldn’t think twice about answering a call from either of my parents, chime in with conversations. My parents also wouldn’t think it’s abnormal that he did. They’d also always buy him a gift/souvenir from holiday if they did me or the children.

my husband, rarely speaks to his. Is that my fault? No! Because he’s a grown up that can make his own decisions.

I’m also a MIL - would I think it strange my DIL answered my son’s phone? Nope! Would I be delighted if she chimed in? Yes. would I buy her a gift from holiday? Yes. on saying all that my son works away from his wife, I/we often call when he’s working away but also when he’s at home. Neither are an issue but I absolutely wouldn’t call him every 2nd day. We do all message every couple of days (family chat) and we’re ALL part of it including our older and younger children and my DIL.

take the pressure off yourself? Your son? Change contact to less regular and see if it’s better received?

and… his wife IS his priority. Mums/family whoever else are just not for him. You’ve brought him up to be independent, let him be!

The vibe from this is very much that you don’t like her and I imagine if they feel that to that is the issue, and is probably causing him to create some distance. I think as well people don’t like talking on the phone try messaging him more and calling him less.