AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

@MyCyanShaker you sounds like a nightmare: your son has 2 hours a day free and you want to take up a chunk of it fhattering nonsense. No wonder he sounds irritated: he’s got things to be getting on with.

once a week is plenty!

and I’m not a MIL hater; i loved my late mother in law dearly, and would visit her once a week while on maternity leave, and my husband met up with her weekly without me, but she would never have demanded his time.

does your son have kids ?

Because most posters feel you are unfairly attacking your DIL, for absolutely no reason

And ignore any explanation as to why the situation is, how it is.

I think he senses you are jealous of his wife, who he clearly loves and if you’re ringing 3 times a week i can understand why he wants to say hi to his wife when she comes in. Cut your calls down to once a week and agree a convenient time where he can chat to you undisturbed if he wants to. I think you are embarrassing him by trying to buy gifts just for him and that’s why he wants you to include his wife. Maybe her parents buy for them both. You come across as possessive and overbearing

Check out OPs original reply before the edit.

Also if he is still close to his younger brother than very clearly this isn’t his wife isolating him from his family this is clearly an issue he has with his mother

Is it just me, or...?

Having been with a narcissistic man who was basically married to his mom who like most Asian and Russian moms seems to be inappropriately involved and overbearing in their grown children’s lives:
they gang up on me and attack me whenever he is unhappy with me. He is emotionally abusive and extremely rude to her and instead of asserting boundaries with her son she tries to make it my fault. For example, he doesn’t communicate with her and she starts demanding that I should have told her HIS plans. Not only that but because of the language barrier I said it is better you communicate with your own son. I don’t want to be in the middle of your toxic relationship .

Stop phoning. See what difference this makes.

You are phoning too often. I am a daughter and couldn't cope with that many calls. Life is busy. He has probably asked his wife to distract him as an excuse to get off the phone.

You've been given this feedback repeatedly. Try it.

Just back off. Let him phone you. If he wants to then he will make time. He has chosen her as his wife. Accept it. You have a husband l assume. Give him more of your time.

But you do.
It’s selfish to demand so much of his very precious time off.
I take it you don’t work ( and have loads of free time- you do know night are a killer ).

What valid points do I have

I’m also the mother of 3 boys although only the middle one is married. I would never buy anything for ds and not get something for dil. I do think they come as a team. They live 5 minutes drive from us and we see them every couple of weeks. They pop in for an hour, have a cup of tea and head off again. They almost always come together. Ds only pops in alone if he wants to borrow something, which isn’t often. I would’nt phone him in between visits as I know he’s kept busy but I txt either him or dil once a week or so. I only pop in to their’s if I have something to take them and wouldn’t necessarily expect to be asked in but they do take me out occasionally.

Luckily I really like dil. I do think she can be quite demanding of ds’s time but she’s his wife so should definitely be his priority. Ds and have always been really close and I don’t feel any less close to him although he’s living elsewhere.

I think phoning 3 times a week feels a bit much and I think if you are buying ds a gift you should also buy for dil. Do they ever visit or do you visit them?

Of course you have a choice. You could choose to… not call him 3 times a week.

I can get beyond you calling him 3 times a week.

And 13 hours away isn’t just leaving his home town - in the UK that’s leaving the country.

Is his wife British or from the country they’ve moved to?

In what ways do your DIL is demanding of his time? That’s how I feel about my DIL like she expects my son to drop everything for her and demand all his free time. Do you mind that she is generally always with your son when he visits. They usually visit me bc that’s their home town.

Why don’t you wait for him to call you at a time it’s convenient to him and at a time that he wants to speak to you? I bet that he gets off the phone and moans about you being overbearing to his wife and is glad when she comes home and he has an excuse to terminate the call. If he wants to speak to you the phone works both ways, you’re only focused on the fact you want to talk to him every other day and that you want to buy him gifts without for one second considering what your son wants! Have you considered that he might not want to speak to you every other day in his limited free time at home and that he might not want you to buy him tacky souvenirs? Have you considered that he might be hanging up on you when his wife is home because he wants to spend time with his wife, nothing to do with her pressuring him? He might actually prefer to spend his free time with his wife over his domineering mother. He’s a grown man now not a little boy, maybe time to cut the apron strings.

You sound insufferable

Relationships can and do change naturally over time. Why dont you ask for some 1 to 1 time with your son if that is what you want? Naturally i think marriages do and must come first. Its a big jump to blame the wife for the off vibes in your relationship with your son.

Always the wife's fault eh?
More likely he couldn't be bothered to keep talking to you and she is a great excuse to get off the phone. Similarly "oh no my mum is calling again, can you answer and tell her I'm busy"

I adore my mother but she is very like you and honestly I dread seeing her number come up. Your son doesn't owe you updates on his life. Learn to back off. He most likely knows you hate his wife and is choosing to distance himself for his own sanity. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Funnily enough my mother calls me independent and my father gets it in the ear from her about me and he continually has to remind her that I don't need to have the same relationship with her as she did with her own mother which was pretty much daily phone calls. And let me get on with my own life

My Mum buys for my DH on a completely equal basis as she does me, she wouldn’t dream of excluding him. You sound like you are magnifying minor issues to find ways to dislike your DIL, whilst she sounds friendly and engaged with you. It sounds like your son is weary of your demands and that is what you are detecting. Your demands on him don’t sound loving they sound selfish…centering yourself and not respecting his choices particularly about who he loves. Speaking to join your conversation isn’t a crime, nor is caring about your wife and wanting to greet her as important when she returns home. These are such ‘trivial’ slights they demonstrate your unreasonableness..in finding them a problem rather than a sign he is MARRIED and grown up

From your post and your responses, you sound like my mother. As others have suggested, back off and stop suffocating them.

None. You have a serious case of empty nest syndrome and really need to address that. Your life has probably centred around your kids for years, and now they are adults, they have moved on, and it's your time to move on somewhat. Get a job or a hobby and some therapy to deal with your clear jealousy of your DIL.

Good grief, you sound like the MiL from hell. You don’t like any comment that suggests you may have an issue yet you asked for advice…

Do you like his wife? It doesn't sound like you do maybe thats come across and is pushing them both away a bit.

How I see it you are very right OP . But they are seeing your post and thinking about their MIL .
God forbid a mother should be calling their son everyday. What a lot of nonsense. Some mothers do some dont.
She feels her son is being controlled . There is many ways how to control a man and thats all Im going to say.
There is a flip side to this he should grow a pair too and not hang up the phone when his wife walks in the room like a little boy thats been caught with cookie jar in his hand.
my ex used to hate it when I spoke to my family without saying anything to me. I knew it straight away as she would be in a foul mood and start to pick a fight and would end up fighting so I used to avoid it speaking in front of her.
We dont know their relationship and for all we know the daughter in law has no blame at all but please dont crucify this lady for being a mum.
Her son will be her son either 30 40 or even 70 years old.

That’s how I feel about my DIL like she expects my son to drop everything for her and demand all his free time.

What does she expect him to drop?

In a marriage where they work opposite shifts and are essentially ships in the night, of course their time together is precious as it’s so limited. If I never saw my husband and his mum was insisting on calling him every other day during that short window of time I had with him, I’d be pretty fed up (though not as fed up as him!). Why do you feel entitled to control so much of your son’s time from afar, even though you know he’s busy at work, married, and presumably has interests as well? He’s not six!

sorry to chime in with others but youre the problem - sounds like you havent accepted her, and importantly you’re expecting to be treated in a certain way because you hold the title of mother. try making a bit more effort with your DIL, and being grateful for what you get from your son - which sounds like quite a lot. I am a DIL to the youngest and only boy, got a fantastic relationship with my MIL. She sees our kids loads, I call her to chat and when im with the kids on my own. She has her own relationship with her son, but she moved heaven and earth to accept me and our relationship i think probably to preserve that. She has completely accepted me as a third sort of daughter and the mother of her grandchildren, and il be forever grateful to her for her support. You dont get an automatic right to a relationship the way you want it because youre a mother, try making an effort with the DIL and the rest will follow. Sounds like she feels like you have mummy issues (which i think you do)