AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

"A son's a son till he marries a wife, but a daughter's a daughter all her life."
There must be a reason for the old adage.

Exactly
it was always me suggesting visits to mil.
my dh had zero interest
and he was the most generous and fair person I have ever met.

Always remember, 'they're not "our" children: they're just on loan to us'. Once they make their own lives they fly the nest and we should be delighted we've successfully created independent humans!

Would be for me too and stuff like this depends on the dynamics of the marriage which OP isn’t privy to.

My DH calls his mum regardless if I’m around. He will also call his mum as a distraction for our youngest so I can do something without her clinging onto me.

His wife answers his phone. Why would that be an issue unless MIL knows for a fact that he has an issue with his wife doing so? Many couples don’t mind if their spouse answers their phone.

She walks into her home and her DH chooses to end the call, I would find that more suspicious on his end than on his wife’s. Also, wouldn’t you be able to call him at a different time and not the time his wife gets home if you know their schedule?

Even on here when it comes to phones and couples, there isn’t full agreement, but posters have said that those type of dynamics where a spouse answers phone or spouse hangs up when other enters the room meant someone likely cheated or is cheating.

The gift thing again, dynamics.

My parents and DH’s parents’ wouldn’t go on holiday and just buy for only one of us or they may get the kids something and not us. Obviously birthdays are a different matter. It wouldn’t bother me unless the kids and DH were given something but even then I wouldn’t be the one looking bad for doing so and having to answer to DH if that were to happen.

If MIL doesn’t want to her anything for DIL that is her choice and DIL is being a bit rude about the way she is asking yet it could also be considered rude to make sure to get son something knowing that he wants his wife included too unless she is asking for something expensive. I have yet traveled anywhere where a magnet or a postcard is going to break the bank.They often sell multiples for a reduced price. OP knows his thoughts and choice on the matter but doesn’t like it.

Using the one sibling who isn’t close to the DH doesn’t like DIL is a bit petty.

I do agree with other posters to wait for him to call you and/or to ask the brother he’s close to if you are so concerned BUT be prepared for potential fallout if you’re reading things wrong and they find out you sent his brother for info on their marriage.

Ok si a few things. The reasons I call my son when I do is bc he has only 2 hours from the time he wakes up for the day until he goes to work and I can’t bother him at work. Yes I understand his wife is his priority as she should be but does being his priority mean he has to ignore his mother or hang up with his mother the minute he wife walks in the door like hold up she is here I must drop everything I’m doing. Yes I understand it’s not the best offering a gift to my son and not my DIL but since when is it acceptable when I don’t even know my DIL is around to ask for a gift. He’s my son surely I have a different relationship with him than my DIL as I raised him. Also yes he seems more agitated with me on the phone when I ask simple mundane unintrusive questions such as how their home repair is going etc. I’m his mother surely these are normal questions a friend might even ask. Just bc he is married doesn’t mean his mom shouldn’t get any of his time or consideration. Grown married or not I’m his mom and will always worry about him and that shouldn’t be seen as a crime! His wife loving him doesn’t mean I love him any less. Women can be just as domineering and controlling as men can be and I hate to see my son in a marriage with someone who doesn’t respect his other relationships and expects him to bow down to her. In fact they recently went away and his wife decided for them to control un plug and my son wasn’t allowed to text or call anyone but her for a week

This is the only Mumsnet post I have read where the OP responds to almost every comment. It comes across as obsessive.

So when you replied to a PP saying

The OP stated two completely conflicting points. Not at all obvious which she meant.

with

Yeah, it was.

The you were spouting nonsense because you have no way of knowing which of the figures were correct and if wasn't obvious that she meant ..and married for 9 of them.

I hate to see my son in a marriage with someone who doesn’t respect his other relationships and expects him to bow down to her.

Remove the word marriage and switch with relationship with his mother and ponder on the irony of your remark.

In fact they recently went away and his wife decided for them to control un plug and my son wasn’t allowed to text or call anyone but her for a week

Did she decide or did he? Did he do that with everyone or just his controlling mother?

Sorry OP, you sound like you don’t like your DIL and deliberately isolate and exclude her. No wonder he is pulling away from you. I think you need to choose between treating your DIL like family and maintaining a relationship with them all or risk your son drawing away further.
As the DIL - my MIL buys me gifts with my DH, chats to me too, when we visit (hours away) we’re obviously always together. I have never been made to feel like I wasn’t wanted there. It sounds like you must have

I can’t believe I’m getting so attacked

My MIL used to FaceTime between 2-3 times a day.
We are now NC.
She thought it was her sons house, they had access to our house keys, cameras, she wanted to know my salary, if I told her we didn’t want something she would ask my husband for confirmation. Thinks we had to share what we brought / how much / when etc.
He is free to speak to his mum whenever he wants - it’s nothing to do with me as long as she doesn’t interfere with me or tries to involve herself in my business.

How do you know this isn’t just your son trying to hold boundaries with you and keep you at arms length? Why is the blame all on her?

So he has less than 2 hours to see his wife and you take over that time 3 out of 7 days?

Well he is sleeping the rest of the time or working and then on his commute back home I’m already at work so I don’t have much choice

The fact that they live 13 hours away speaks volumes.

631 replies and you've not taken any of the feedback in.

3 times a week, for some, is too much. Drop it back. Take the hint. You might need him X3 a week, he doesn't need YOU X3 a week. He has a life, a job, a family.

The thing is your son could stay on the phone longer. He could say to his wife "I'll be 10mins love I'm on the phone with mum"

Tbh if you were asking about a souvenir, I'd assume if you were getting me something you'd get my DH something or a joint magnet/bottle of wine/nicnac. I think its weird you'd expect them to assume you'd only get him one. And also it's him thinking you're asking about them both, perhaps because she's been in your family 14 years.

You text him and he is choosing not to reply, his wife comes him and he ends the convo, you call and DIL answers and says he's not around (is it because he's ignoring your call) he tells you a time that's "good" to call and only has 5mins for you. He sounds irritable when speaking to you.

You're saying you don't want to interfere but your complaints are your sons lack of effort and time for you. And your grasped at straws for it to be DILs fault, instead of his.

You're defensive when people suggest the issue might be with you. Or certainly you and your son NOT your son and his wife or you and your DIL. Even if he has got more distant since the marriage it doesnt make it his wifes fault. Its his. He's choosing to treat you like this.

He's told you he loves his wife and it bothers him when you make a show of asking if hes like X and he tries to include his wife and you say I don't want to get her a gift I'm your mum. He sees his mum upsetting his wife and thinks you're being difficult. I can't understand why you'd think making her your enemy would help. You're making him think he needs to choose and you're perpetuating this cycle

If you don't like the way your son treats you talk it out with him without blaming her or he'll continue as he is.

I think people are just a bit vexxed that you lay all the blame at your DiL's feet and won't believe what you DS is doing is his choice alone. Maybe just have 1 quality call a week rather than 3 rushed nes?

You realise we can see your original reply of

Also if he is still close to his younger brother than very clearly this isn’t his wife isolating him from his family this is clearly an issue he has with his mother

Hmmm...

I don’t think anyone is saying you’re bad or neglectful, nobody can make such judgments.

but they been together 14 years, and he is full grown man.

I would be inclined to think the problem is the wife and YOU are not close. Your son is doing the right thing to side with his wife.

it’s very possible she is controlling and a bad person but he has chosen her for over a decade now so I think you should just focus on your own life and other children and family who do want to connect.

I think this is unusual unless it's your DS birthday. They are a unit now.

You do have a choice, you do not need to speak to him 3 times a week. Have a chat see when works best for him, maybe 1 time a week. He may have more to talk to you about.

@MyCyanShaker you need to back off and leave it to your son to contact you when and if he wants to. You sound as if you in some way, resent the relationship your son has with his wife. His wife is his priority. I have a great relationship with our DD but accept she has her own life to lead with her DH and oud granddaughter. What are we going to talk about if I call her 3 times a week? Honestly, not a lot and we do and have always treated them equally since they became serious about each other. Move forwards and find your own interests and leave your son and his wife to concentrate on their life without interfering as you are in real danger of becoming the MIL nobody wants.

That's because you're not looking in the mirror or willing to take the slightest bit of feedback.

Why are you asking for advice if you don't want it and want to argue with everyone?

If he doesn't prioritise you, that's his choice/fault not your DILs.

And the more you are antagonistic to DIL, worse it will get.

I agree, as his mum you'll always love him and it would be nice if he made time for you. But if he doesn't you can't assume it's his wife's fault. Its his, he could make time for you if he chose and hes not.

You've no evidence his wife doesn't respect his need for other relationships with you. He's the one being short and dismissive and looking for excuses to end your calls.