AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Op go with your gut - why do women not understand that some females do dominate the men in their household - emotional blackmail - interfering in who their husbands see - talking in the background when your on a call - just totally without boundaries - and I’m a sister who has 100% watched this -women do manipulate -women do control - and wives can be the one in the wrong …just as mothers can be
I think you sound as though you have genuine concerns - so trust your own instincts and get his brother to check in on him discreetly …I advise this in just the same way I would a female who I was concerned about being in a relationship that was unhealthy - I’ve plenty of friends who took a long time to admit they were in toxic marriages for decades as they tried to put on a front and hope for the best - and all of us were quietly worried but said nothing - I feel awful they were so unhappy but stayed longer because no one reached out - good luck

I’m actually concerned people like you exist

Sounds as though he might have been a yes man before he married. Op sounds peed off because he is no longer saying yes to her.

I mean they are married I would find it very rude if after working all day and not seeing my husband he was talking on the phone and didn’t hang up to greet me and say hi and just continued with his conversation as if I wasn’t there. I mean surely there are a thousand other times he could talk to his mother

Right, but the first quote says

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that…..

So married for FIVE YEARS.

They been together for 14 years and married for 9.

So married for NINE YEARS.

Can you tell me where it's obvious?

Her son is the one who decided to hang up. Her son asked his mom to include his wife in souvenirs so why leave the blame on the wife for her son’s actions. The wife just got home from work why should he continue to blab on the phone and ignore her after being away all day. Surely if this mom is bothered by this why not ask her son when a better time to call is when it’s not during their couple time

Wow you are starting to sound a smidge unhinged. Your mother is not number one when you have your own family unit!

also it’s called daughter in law for a reason. You gain a daughter. Until about 70-80 years ago the wife would join the husbands family and become their daughter! Literally why it’s called that.

You should sit yourself in the naughty corner and reflect on your actions and selfishness.

If anyone is controlling, it’s you.

leave him alone.

I think the solution is you need to see your son more. Your seem to go on holiday alot, so can you go stay with them or near them for a week? Also having children is alot, you dont mention if they have kids, maybe they need a hand there? With both of them working, he probably barely has time to shower, and spend time with his wife. Also I don't know how much news i have to tell every 2 days... Does he ever phone you or is it one way from your side?
That would be an indication that you call too much.
If they have kids, you should do video calls, so you can see faces, and get more of an idea too

Visit without her in tow. You talk about this poor woman like she is insider date from the night before. She is his wife they are a unit. Usually couples especially in this day and age they don’t have much time together so they will be together when they visit family. It’s her DIL why would she treat her like the random woman who is with her son rather than viewing it through the lens of gaining a daughter instead of losing a son. Besides why blame the woman for the actions of the man. Much easier that way to blame your DIL instead of your own son. If he wanted to visit OP alone he would but maybe he prefers his wife being with him

Surely all OP has to do is call when her DIL is at work? Then she wouldn't be able to interfere in the phone call, talk in the background or manipulate/control anything?

Yet OP insists on calling when she knows her DIL is due home from work. It's almost as if it's deliberately designed to annoy her DIL and force her son to choose.

Yes. The answer would be the same and your attitude to anyone telling you what YOU ARE DOING is met with defence.

Your son's wife should be the centre of his universe. Not to the exclusion of every one/thing else but he has a marriage to build and preserve. Did your husband's mother buy him gifts and not you? Were you ok with that? To me that is rude.

They’ve been together 14 years and you’ve only just noticed a change. Does not seem like the wife is the problem in the slightest. You sound needy and controlling yourself. If my son treated his girlfriend/wife as well as your son treats his I would be so happy and proud. You however, seem jealous. Leave him to live his life.

I’m sorry but the son lives 13hours away how often do you expect he should visit his mum let alone leave behind his wife and maybe children? For 13 hours each way. That’s not a pop in for a cuppa or a weekend visit.

again though we are blaming the DIL for how her husband behaves. If the DIL has never been controlling before why would she suddenly start after being married for years zero sense.

More like for some reason op has more time of her hands, son has slowly got more and more fed up of demands and is backing away and once again a man can never be blamed for his behaviour and all dils must be controlling and evil.

Op could easily change the time she calls him if she wanted to but she calls knowing when the wife gets home she is choosing to pick that time and basically force a pick me or your wife to talk too situation where when she “loses” the wife is the bad guy.

no you give over! Sorry they are an entity you don’t come home with a souvenir like your son is 4 and ignore his wife who is your DIL. And clearly the son asked his mom to include his wife and she is stomping her foot. How hard is it to find - $10 mug or shirt. She is family and has been for 14 years time to give up treating her son like a single man. Imagine if they bought a gift for OP’s husband and not OP

Totally different scenario. OP pre-asks the son if he wants anything whilst he is in the company of his wife.

This complete entitlement right here demonstrates how you are the problem. Not your DIL.

No where did the wife say she should call less often. It’s her SON not answering the texts the SON not answering the phone calls and hanging up when his wife home as it would be bloody rude to just ignore your own wife when she comes home after working all day. This would peeve me off. Whether it’s his mother father sibling friend or enemy on the phone. But of course it’s easy to villainize the woman/the wife instead of seeing the faults in your own son

Okay, obvious to people with a brain.

I'm a MIL and I have a grown up DS. He lives in same town as me but I don't call him or message him often as he is busy with his work, family and DC. I know that his wife and DC are his priority and rightly so.
I don't at all get your concerns about her answering his phone though?! My DH and I do it, if one of us is busy or in the garden or whatever it's not unusual at all for the other to answer the phone rather than miss the call.
I also have to say that if I buy my DS a gift from say a holiday or something then I would always buy a gift for my DIL and DGCs as well.
I think, reading between the lines that you genuinely dislike your DIL for whatever reason - perhaps it's because they moved 10 hours away? Was it her who pushed for the move? Either way, I'd suggest you chill a little and give him space. Your calls and texts he is probably finding too much I would imagine.

What you have to accept OP (or spend the rest of your life feeling hard done by) is that your DS won't think of you in the way you think of him. You are his Mum. He is your baby boy!

So how long on brainy one.

The five years as stated in the first quote of They've been married for 5 years or the nine year as stated in the second quote and married for 9?

This is definitely a you problem.

Have you never mis-typed and transposed numbers in your perfect life? Get over yourself; OP made a mistake.

I don't care if you're a MIL or not. As your kid if I had to listen to the same three points repeated and repeated and repeated I'd be limiting contact time as well.

He is your son. He has moved 13 hours away. It seems you are pushing contact on him. I would be majorly peeved if my mother called me 3 times a week and I would finish the call when my partner, who I had limited time with, came home.

His wife answering his phone - that's totally normal. It's not the mortal sin you are making it out to be. It would be different if she didn't give him his phone when he was available. Did you ever think she might just want to say hi to you too?

The gift buying seems mean to me. It's very unusual to buy one half of a couple a souvenir. It's clear you don't see her as family which must hurt her, and by extension hurt your son.

I've had the same guilt trip you're laying on from my own mother and all it does is push me away.