AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Have you read op’s post ?
all 20 plus
Shes coming across as a bitter and controlling , completely blinded to any option but her own

When a close family member asks what I want when traveling it’s assumed it’s a collective ask for both of us we are married! And have been for many years just like her DIL and son is. We are an entity and like you said rude to get for one and not the other. DIL is perfectly within her rights to assume her MIL wouldn’t be rude enough to ignore her

And here’s the problem. You are not his priority anymore. His wife is.

99% of replies on here are telling you the same thing and apart from saying you will call less, you are not really listening are you.

I'm 100% with you OP. You know your son and if he has turned into a 'yes' man since he married, if he changes his behaviour in her company, he doesn't visit you without her in tow, it sounds as though she's quite controlling or very very insecure. You're right, change 'son' for 'daughter' and people would view it differently. I would try and get him on his own ( or via his brother) and ask him if everything is alright. It's OK to be concerned, it's your child and no you're not intruding. Good luck mum.

And I wouldn’t dream of ignoring my DIL and only buying for my son. Also if the son isn’t available at the moment to answer the phone image just supposed to stare at her own husband’s phone and let it go to VM so mother in law would rather speak to a machine than catch up with her DIL who is family and can also let her know when to expect her son to be done with whatever he is doing. My husband and I answer each others phone quite frequently if the other is unavailable and we are each close with our prospective in laws.

Yes I have that comment was purely
for those still doing the whole trust your mummy gut thing.

I think she’s an over bearing mil who can’t stand the fact her sons not really that interested in her and clearly loves his wife dearly.

And he has very politely asked his dm t o buy a gift for his wife , as she’s his wife.
this is the sons wish.,.. but op is saying ‘ No -.,, I don’t want ti do that …,’
Hardly a kind , empathetic and loving mil.

Also bloody rude to not treat them like a unit and buy for her son and not for them together as an entity

Hi op,

I hear your hurt but your son is an adult and chooses the life he wants for himself. Even if you will keep being worried as probably a lot of mothers…please don’t initiate anything.

Let’s be clear, you can’t call on “abusive” or “controlling” whatever he does NOT do because of his wife. That is called intimacy and for THEM both to figure out and for you to respect. Things that were before are not necessarily kept in time…change is good for everyone. Maybe your other sons will do that too. Maybe not.

And please please do not vilified your DIL. If you loose her, you will loose any future grandkids.

Good luck 👌

Maybe, try actually reading the thread & the OP's posts in particular & then comment.

I find that's a better modus operandi

Have you read some of the responses? Some saying they’d be annoyed if they returned from work and their dh was talking at length on the phone with their mother, when apparently as soon as dil walks through the door their dp/dh should immediately hang up. Or people saying well of course if you’re buying a gift for your ds, then it should be automatically acknowledged that you would need to buy a gift at the same time for your dil. I have an adult daughter who lives with her partner of 5 years, and I often buy her something if I’m out shopping, and never give a thought to checking if her partner wants something too.

Nope he is married the marital relationship come first. Besides they been together 14 yrs why is OP waiting until now to say something. Maybe gaps DIL is trying to bond with her mil

Remember,it is ALWAYS the wife's fault.

You’ve put yourself in an adversarial position against his wife.
He’s chosen his wife.

Give over! If I’m out shopping and see something my dd might like, I buy it for her. If she then responded by telling me that I should have also bought something for her partner, I would think it really bloody rude!

Apologies - I know I’m projecting.
I didn’t read the post properly.
I had a mil like this.
Loved her dearly, but she was her own worse enemy.
I just wanted to shake her sometimes

OP its time to let go , find yourself a new hobby or buy a puppy and lavish all your love on it , let your son live his life

You are the problem I’m afraid and they don’t want to tell you.
you must be going something / things they’re not happy with and he wants distance.

When I read about MILs who have genuine reasons to question their DILs behaviour towards them eg leaving them out every Christmas in favour of her own family or never extending an invitation to visit then that's a justifiable complaint.

When there are no justifiable reasons to complain I then question how much the paternal parents relish their time together as a couple therefore feeling no need to be immersed in their children's lives & making this their primary consideration in life. My DC have flown the nest & although we still have a brilliant relationship & Id give my life for them my main consideration now in life day to day is my DH & it's reciprocated. We are there for our children when required & as long as we stay in touch & see them regularly that's all we ask.

“That’s what it seems like his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on but that in the process I’m diminished to acquaintance status and as his mum it hurts.”

You’re jealous of your son’s wife. You need to address this. Continuing to pit yourself against her won’t end well for you.

That should be that the woman's MIL is always wrong on MN, his MIL is a saint to be worshipped and glorified. If a man objected to his MIL calling his wife/partner too often I think the reactions would be diametrically opposite, the stupid phrase ' a son is a son,,,,,,,,,,,,,etc' gets trotted out to justify this nonsense.

Many of the responses are from MIL’s and their views are aligned with the consensus view.

I treat my DS and DDIL the same way. My DDIL often answers DS’s phone and he mostly chats to me on speakerphone. I buy both of them gifts, I would never leave my DDIL out, she makes my DS so happy, she is also incredibly kind to my DD to the point of having her stay with them when she is home from Uni as much as she stays with us. In fact we all refer to her (jokingly), as the favourite child, even though I have a DS and DD.

OP, have you tried waiting for HIM to call YOU?? If he doesn’t then you know that he’s irritated by the amount of conversation you’re forcing on him. Your DIL has been at work all day and wants to speak to her DH having not seen him all day and presumably he will be about to go to work. Your phone calls are getting in the way of their relationship and TBF you’re probably doing it on purpose for exactly that reason. When my DH is on the phone to his mum I chime in too, because that’s a normal part of a conversation in our family. If he wanted a private conversation he could always move to another room but he doesn’t.